March 5, 2015
12:44 pm

Lisa Mason in the Morning


LMN 5-9-14 The pre-Mother's Day edition

by Lisa Mason posted May 9 2014 8:48AM
The US readies more sanctions against Russia, who conducted a huge parade show of military might. If Vlad Putin has his way, his forces could soon overrun Ukraine – turning every coffee shop into a Tsarbucks.

When are they going to outlaw human trafficking? And how can they televise it? Oh, it was just the first night of the NFL draft. For a sec I thought Boko Haram had kidnapped a bunch of college males to sell to different bidders and was waiting for Liam Nissan to show up and free somebody.

The Secret Service concludes that the driver who took a wrong turn into a motorcade and ended up right behind the car carrying Obama’s Kids, simply made "a mistake.” Magellan here has a lengthy history of having zero sense of direction; he also accidentally trailed the pace car at Talladega, and followed Russian tanks into Ukraine.

Governor Robert Bentley today visits east Alabama to survey storm damage. “Lookie! The Governor’s here! That’’ll fix everything!” Etowah and DeKalb counties were hardest hit but Bentley did not initially request federal relief funds for them. What’s up with that? Bentley didn’t have a friend lose a church roof there or something? Anyway, federal dollars have since been approved so residents there can get back to … to … Ummm.  Hmm.

The State of Oklahoma Department of Corrections will delay an execution scheduled for next week, because of last week's “botched” lethal injection that caused a condemned inmate to suffer an agonizing, completely deserved, 43-minute death. The decision puts the kibosh on "Capital Punishment Amateur Night," where novice, local, untrained executioners get to try out 5 minutes of original material on live, death row prisoners.

Fitting that we wrap up National Be Kind to Animals week with a guilty verdict for the president of the Birmingham Animal Adoption and Rescue Center, Scott Kirkland. They say karma comes back to get you, especially if you are a sick freak who abuses dogmas.

Lockheed-Martin has unveiled a new laser superweapon! #PleaseBeADeathStar

And a few things you need to know…

On this date in 1960, the FDA approved the sale of birthday control pills. Up until then, no one had conceived the idea. The new-fangled pills replaced the headache.

Same date in 1899, the lawn mower was invented. Up until that time, guys had every Saturday off.

Yepper. American Idol’s Clay Aiken is running for Congress in North Carolina. The North Carolina Dem Primary is still too close to call; it's literally neck and redneck.

Breaking news! Gwyneth Paltrow just said something stupid again and a bunch of women are mad at her again and saying stupid things themselves.

A new survey says that American journalists are increasingly dissatisfied with their work and that the industry is lurching in the wrong direction. I read this in a very unsatisfying article in an online paper that doesn't appear to have a bright future. Wait. It was in my own blog.

A former New York Jets cheerleader is suing the team for low pay. Hey, if she only has to cheer every time they score, she's got a pretty cushy job.

A British man went into the hospital for an undisclosed "minor surgery," and was accidentally given a vasectomy. Trying to cheer the man up, the surgeon said, "Look, you're probably the only thing in this operating room that's sterile."

And … Mother’s day is Sunday! Here’s hoping one special day can make up for 364 days of smug ingratitude. I don’t have kids, so my Mom’s been denied the justified joy of watching me try raise an annoying child like myself … though the dog comes close.
Be nice to your Mom; pretend to be interested when she starts telling you about the engagement of some kid you don’t even remember from Middle School. It won’t kill you. And don’t forget to get your Mother something sweet. I was going to make mine a coupon book with little cards saying things like “Redeemable for one call letting you know my plane safely arrived EVEN THOUGH that information is readily available.” Or, “Good for one non-condescending tutorial on how to load music into your smartphone.” Whoops. Mom reads this so I’m probably grounded now. Love you Mom! Happy Mommy’s Day! 
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05/09/2014 8:49AM
LMN 5-9-14 The pre-Mother's Day edition
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