LMN 6-18-14 Put Title Here
by Lisa Mason
posted Jun 18 2014 7:52AM
Iraq and the militant group ISIS (ISIL) are holding their own World Cup outside of Baghdad right now, except they’re just going straight to sudden death. As extremist militants seize control of Iraq’s largest oil refinery, President Obama says he’s sending an “elite team” to help; the Alabama Crimson Tide! Whooo! We’re going to Bagdad! Roll Tide!
There’s finally been an arrest in the Benghazi attack. No it wasn’t Susan Rice. Or Hillary. Suspect Ahmed Abu Khatallah is described as “an independent filmmaker who loves YouTube and long walks on the beach.” Especially if he gets to kill you after that long walk and upload the footage to YouTube.
Embattled clippers owner Donald Sterling has hired four private investigators to dig up dirt on NBA commissioners and other owners. Unfortunately for Donald, the best stuff that came back was about him.
And just a few (very few) more things you need to know …
On this date in 1873 Susan B. Anthony is fined $100 for attempting to vote in the 1872 presidential election. As punishment, her head was pictured on a very unpopular dollar coin.
Having solved all their *real* issues, Congress is grilling Dr Oz because he promotes non-scientific weight-loss products on his show. Like anyone would fall for his schti—oh hey! They were all out of monk fruit powder midichlorians and Honduran insanity frogs but Dr OZ promised me a box of his poop would work just as well for weight-loss. Want me to grab one for you?
And … At the World Cup this week, Iran and Nigeria battled to a zero-zero scoreless tie. You're never getting those 2 and a half hours back. Nigeria has a better chance of getting those kidnapped girls back. I keep trying to think of a better punch-line for this, but I've got nothing. I say we decide this joke with penalty kicks.