LMN 6-23-14 Go Tie USA! Oh wait...
by Lisa Mason
posted Jun 23 2014 8:00AM
Today’s forecast for Iraq: mostly Sunni with a chance of additional gunfire. Secretary of State John Kerry is in Baghdad today, because they need to get less done.
Defeat snatched from the jaws of victory! The US gave up a last-minute goal to Portugal yesterday, ending their World Cup match in a tie. European teams are rather ticked at the US for doing so well in a sport we don’t even call “football” like the rest of the world. The US goalkeeper was so ashamed of Portugal’s score; he’s considering joining ISIS because their training camp seems very successful. Meanwhile, it’s great to see Team USA fans getting into the soccer spirit; they’ve already eclipsed SEC fans in the crazy-getup-on-national-TV category.
Lois Lerner is back before a House Committee today for another grilling on missing emails regarding the IRS targeting of conservative groups. Ms. Lerner is expected to testify that she accidentally traded her hard drive for 5 Gitmo prisoners.
Sugar prices are at an 8-month high. Oh, yeah, like that will slow us down.
Some uber-conservative groups are alleging that the immigrants flooding into America are bringing a plethora of Third World diseases that the CDC hasn’t dealt with in ages. At least we have a new Third World health plan to deal with those Third World diseases.
Kraft Foods is recalling thousands of pounds of Velveeta cheese. That's odd; I never realized Kraft was a subsidiary of General Motors. Kraft says you can get a refund for your tainted cheese, but you can’t get a coupon for free cheese because that would be considered impersonating the federal government.
The City of Anniston is considering a proposal to move City Hall, possibly to Arizona where it’s not so humid.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1848, Antoine Joseph Sax was awarded a patent for the saxophone. It was all he thought about. He was a regular sax maniac.
A woman in Virginia just graduated high school at the age of 111! Not sure if she's been accepted at a college yet, but good luck getting those student loans paid back.
HBO is going to offer a language course to teach "Game of Thrones" fans to speak the fictional language spoken on the show. Oh good, because my summer was just going to be spent watching soccer for a month, then waiting two more months for Game of Thrones to come back on.
Sunday night’s "Daytime Emmy Awards," hosted by Kathy Griffin, was limited to live streaming. It's about time Kathy Griffin got a chance to let her hair down without those pesky FCC restrictions. "The Young and the Restless" received 26 nominations! The only group of people to walk home with more hardware this week was ISIS.
And … I went to Huntsville over the weekend to hang with the parents. I’m from the Rocket City but have lived in Birmingham long enough to lose my natural Huntsville-driving techniques … so I’d like to apologize to everyone on the Parkway for using my turn signal to change lanes yesterday. In Huntsville – if you use a turn signal, they take it as a challenge. I saw more middle fingers than a manicurist because I was only going 70 in a 55. It’s like they think they’re on the Autobahn; a sign will say “road ends in 1000 feet” but in Huntsville, they’ll say on it for another 2 miles.