LMN 6-3-14 No more attack ads tomorrow!
by Lisa Mason
posted Jun 3 2014 7:58AM
Happy Primary Day! Polls close at 7 tonight, then we’ll find out what Primary Claus left for us. Probably the same junk he left us last year. Many in Alabama say having to show photo ID to vote isn’t fair. I hear ya, how am I supposed to vote twice? At least the attack ads will stop … unless there’s a runoff. Please don’t let there be a runoff; we’ve had enough.
The lines are already forming to question US Army Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl once he returns stateside. Accused by his comrades of desertion, Bergdahl was traded for five Taliban militants and a draft pick to be named later. At least President Obama promised Berghdahl he could keep his Taliban doctor. Under fire for the secret prisoner exchange, the president says the Taliban guys he released may return to terror. What. Is that a statement or is he giving them permission? No word what we’ll have to give Mexico to release our Marine from down there.
Adolpho Birch, the NFL Senior Vice President of Labor Policy and Government Affairs says the name “Washington Redskins” is “not now, never has been, and never will be intended to be used as a racial slur." Thanks, for the update, Adolpho Birch. It’s jolly to know that we have a guy whose name is a little bit "Hitler" and a little bit "John Birch" to keep us current on whether the name "Redskins" ever becomes a racist slur in the future.
For the second time in a month, children have been injured, this time in Colorado, after being blown away while playing inside one of those giant, terrifying "bouncy houses." Am I the only one who predicted the bouncy housing crisis?
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1972, San Jan Priesand became the very first female rabbi in the U.S. She marked the occasion by singing, "Oy to the World." Finally, women were able to walk into a bar with a catholic priest and a minister and be part of a joke.
On this date in 1937, the Duke of Windsor gave up the throne for the woman he loved. She had been pounding on the bathroom door for over half an hour yelling, "Aren't you done reading that newspaper yet?"
Dan Marino has joined the ranks of former NFL payers suing the league over concussions. Given Dan’s last few years at the Dolphins, he ought to file suit against his nonexistent offensive line for failing to prevent his concussions.
Jacques Cousteau's grandson is planning on staying a record 31 days under the sea in a laboratory... which is nowhere near the record of being underwater held by a home in Florida.
If you care what celebretards are doing, the rumor mill claims Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman are having marriage problems. So she’s doing what most dumb women do: she's arranged for a surrogate mother to have another baby for them to "save their marriage." Because if two grown adults can’t do it on their own, a helpless newborn certainly will. Well ... it might if it’s Muad'dib from “Dune” or something.
A theme park based on "The Hunger Games" is in the works. Of course, since only one in 24 visitors will survive, they'll be asked to pay up front.
The MLB draft and the College World Series are right around the corner. Also, the NBA Finals always seem to coincide with Father's Day. Like NBA players don't have enough to worry about without getting all those pesky visits from kids they never heard of. It ALSO coincides with the World Cup! I haven’t seen so many pending draws since playing “Red Dead Redemption.” This year’s world cup is in Rio and other countries say they could do a better job. At least after the 2022 World Cup, Qatar will have some amazing stadiums to stone women in. I warned you about the soccer jokes, didn’t I?
And … Someone has developed a new app to help find lost cellphones. When the owner yells "Marco!" the phone yells back "Polo!" OK, NOW can we get back to working on that cancer cure thing?