LMN 6-4-14 Now with unicorns (no unicorns)
by Lisa Mason
posted Jun 4 2014 7:52AM
Time to get out and hit those “After Primary” sales!
Word is the release of Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl was urgently negotiated because of his health problems. So … we’re going to bring him back here where he’ll be treated at a VA hospital? Isn’t that cruel and unusual punishment? No matter what you think of the prisoner exchange, we don’t leave Americans behind, unless #Benghazi.
The Chinese government has banned the search engine Google, because their people might, you know, find out the truth about things. So Google will be replaced by the government-approved search engine, "Moo Google Gai Pan." Now, when you type in "Tiananmen Square" or "Falun Gong," you get the homepage of the Chinese TV game-programs like "The Tiananmen Squares" and "The Falun Gong Show."
People who could prove they voted in San Jose, California yesterday, were given free pot by marijuana dispensaries. The old campaign saying used to be, "A chicken in every pot, a car in every garage." Now it's "a pothead munching KFC living in every garage."
If you live over the mountain, you might soon have access to a satellite courthouse; they’re negotiating to open one in Hoover! The satellites all closed thanks to Jefferson County’s bankruptcy and it's been a headache ever since. I miss the one that used to be on Greensprings, sure it was a wretched hive of villainy but it beat the wretched hive of villainy Downtown. It’s sad that in the 21st Century, a “Satellite Courthouse” is as exciting, coveted and fantastical as a space rocket. Maybe one day, we’ll get one of them there new-fangled indoor electrical light bulbs or a toilet that’s INSIDE the house! Sometimes I wish I was a unicorn so I could stab JeffCo officials with my face.
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1812, the Louisiana Territory was renamed the Missouri Territory, just to confuse people.
“The Womb Raider” Angelina Jolie turns 39 today. Gentlemen, the line to give her a birthday spanking starts waaaay over there.
A 47-year-old Baltimore man will serve 5-years in prison for faking seizures to avoid paying for restaurant bills. So he’ll now get free food from us for 5-years? Hey, if I fake a seizure, can I get out of paying my taxes?
The town of Sandy Springs, Georgia has outlawed the use of sex toys without a doctor's prescription. In Georgia, you can take your gun anywhere, but not your “toys.” So, if whatever you're handling goes off prematurely, you better hope it's a gun.
Because of the increasing popularity of bourbons and whiskeys, distillers say that there's the possibility of a shortage in the near future. Slow down, people! Warning: the consumption of too much alcohol may create the illusion that you are bigger, tougher, and more attractive than other people.
And … A Seattle woman was arrested after being less than thrilled about the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure outside her apartment. Officers say she hurled a trash bag filled with 10 pounds of cat litter and feces from her window, dousing the racers in filth. The woman told police she was tired after working a long shift and the Komen racers were keeping her awake. She was promptly arrested. I’m not advocating throwing poop at people like some rabid spider-monkey; but this nutty woman has a point. I was once unable to leave my own home because there was a “Marathon for (Insert Cause)” going on. Five different routes out of my neighborhood all blocked by people in $95 running shorts, powered by their own sense of self-worth. I’m all for the “Imma do a 5k for (Insert Disease Cure) and feel special,” I’m glad you slammed back a bottle of Mega-Fuel Super-Stamina Krush-Rush; but don’t throw the wrapper in my yard, dagnabit! Now get off my lawn!