LMN 7/1/14 The Internet is extra obnoxious today
by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 1 2014 8:15AM
Denizens of the Internet continue the mind-numbing debate over which religious views we can now use as an excuse to get around laws. Pfft! “Executive privilege” usually works. People upset over the Supreme Court’s ruling that Hobby Lobby doesn’t have to pay for employees’ contraception are running into a SNAFU; in order to make protest signs they have to shop at Hobby Lobby. How about we fight the REAL issue with Hobby Lobby; the overwhelmingly annoying scrapbooking epidemic that’s infected the nation. Hobby Lobby is a kingpin keeping hoards of bored housewives** strung out on hot-glue, glitter and scissors that cut fancy edges. My former Traffic Diva Vicki Ward is a scrapbooker, last time I saw her she was stealing the shiny satin ribbon off of a Christmas bag I’d thrown away. I tried to take it from her and she nearly bit me while calling the ribbon, “me Prrrecioussssss.” WHEN WILL IT END?
I’m going to do a soccer flop so I can leave work early to go watch soccer. Americans are complaining about the referee selection for the U.S./Belgium World Cup knockout round today. The Belgians speak French, and so does the referee, and there could be hard feelings, because the U.S. knocked Algeria out of the last World Cup. Don’t worry; the fact that ref and the Belgians all speak French just increases the chance they might surrender to us!* Have you seen video of thousands of World Cup fans struggling to walk up stadium aisles that are unstable? If we get knocked out by Belgium today, I say, "Good!" It's a death trap, it's a suicide rap, we gotta get out while we're young. Cause tramps like us, baby, we were born to run. Honestly, some of the stadiums are so dangerous I’m shocked they’re not sponsored by GM.
BP estimates there are 53.3 years' worth of oil left in the world. Boy, it's going to suck when you’re 93.
It’s a victory for Obama’s foreign policy! Poisonous snakes and killer bees are forcing the terror group Boko Haram to leave their jungle hideouts. The snakes and bees probably got sick of waiting for President Obama to actually do something to find those kidnapped Nigerian girls. Well, besides having Michelle make a video. In a related story, Senator John McCain called for arming the snakes and bees. Meanwhile, the Boko Haram leader is baffled; he said the snakes and bees would greet them as "liberators."
The owner of a Birmingham pet grooming business and questionably-named animal rescue center has turned himself in to cops. Scott Kirkland is charged with animal cruelty and operating a business without a license. Doctors are conducting court-ordered blood tests to determine if phenomenally high levels of d-bag are to blame for Kirkland’s behavior.
You’d think it would have been done by now, but a state senator is working to arrange a lab test to determine the nature of a creepily unsettling leak from a vault at Cullman Memory Gardens cemetery. The eerie fluid has gone untested for over 5 weeks! WTH? Samples were shipped off but must never have reached their DEATHTINATION. Sorry, I’d do a better pun but my allergies are acting up and I’ve been coffin and am feeling lich’d.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1863, the famous Civil War battle at Gettysburg took place. I don't know exactly where. I lost the Gettysburg address.
Robert Downey Jr’s son has been arrested for cocaine possession. I guess the uh … crack doesn’t fall far from the pipe?
Speaking OF, Crack-smoking Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is back on the job after 2 months of rehab. Ford has lost a ton of weight, he’s either getting healthy or he’s finally starting to LOOK like a crack addict.
Somebody named Jill Farren Phelps has not been fired from the daytime soap, "The Young and the Restless." I’m SHOCKED! "The Young and the Restless" is still on the air?
And … A food truck with marijuana-infused sandwiches is making the rounds in Washington State. Definitely a case of the ala carte before the horse.
*With apologies to Andrew B.
**I expect death threats over the scrapbooking issue.