LMN 7-10-14 Still not out of soccer jokes!
by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 10 2014 8:14AM
After a 0-0 tie in regulation, Argentina beat Netherlands 4-2 on penalty kicks to advance to the World Cup Final vs. Germany. Dutch fans weren't happy and told the Argentines to go "Falkland" themselves. I like soccer, but if I want to watch a bunch of guys not score, I’ll start going to Jitterbugs on Thursday nights.
A group called Syriantruth.org is claiming that the militant group ISIS/ISIL is trained in the use of chlorine gas as a chemical weapon. Terror leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi disputes this, claiming he's only trying to get his whites their absolute whitest. Shiites in Iraq are terrified of this guy due to his plans to force every Shiite to eat their eggs Sunni side up.
AL.com, bless their hearts, posted “tips for not leaving your kids to die in a hot car.” Seriously? OK, here’s MY tip: don’t leave your kid in a hot car. Boom. Done. Honestly, I run the AC higher when I’m simply driving with my dog. I freeze while she stays comfy.
President Obama says he will hire more people to guard our border. Yayness! Unfortunately, the only applicant was the goal keeper for the Brazil soccer team.
A Jacksonville woman reported the theft of a bong from her house. Oh wow, this is in Jacksonville, Illinois. I just assumed it would be Florida. She told the police that it had strong sentimental value because it belonged to her son, who is in prison, and it is all she had to remember him by. Guess she never quite found the time to make that baby scrap book.
Think you’ve seen a bear? You just might have. Conservation officials say black bears are expanding their range in Alabama. So THAT’S what happened to my pic-i-nic basket!
And a few things you need to know …
It was on this date in 1925, the Soviet Union created TASS, their official news agency. Their motto was, "All the news you're going to hear." Kinda like what you get from me on my morning show.
This date back in 1966, Orbiter I launched on it's mission to the moon. Ironically, Orbiter 1 landed on the moon, while Lander 1 orbited.
Celebrating their 87th birthday tomorrow, 7-Eleven plans an entire week of giveaways that include everything from free Slurpies to free Twinkies. 7-Eleven’s owners say they had to give away more free stuff this year to compete with the Obama administration.
The man who wrote the book “How to Survive the Running of the Bulls” was gored during the Running of the Bulls in Spain. I can’t wait to read his NEXT book, “How to Survive a Terribly Ironic Injury.” In this author’s case, the “S” in “Spain” is silent.
A group of scientists in Scotland have concluded that global warming could cause the extinction of redheads from the human race. We blondes aren't worried though; we’ll just move. DUH!
The heirs of legendary actor John Wayne are suing Duke University to assert the family's right to market bourbon branded with the late movie star's nickname, "Duke." The university is afraid some people will confuse Duke Whiskey with Duke University. Of course, most of those people would be drunken Duke students. Guess they'll just have to "Duke" it out in court.
And ... This is great news to Americans like me who've always wanted to commit suicide on another planet: Astronaut Buzz Aldrin says the U.S. should send Americans to Mars, but those astronauts should establish a colony there and never return to Earth. Ever. Cool, can we send all of the Kardashians? Few people actually understand the concept of not being able to come back. Well, unless you play for Team Brazil.