LMN 7-15-14 Now with more Princesses
by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 15 2014 7:42AM
Deportations continue today down on the border. I don’t know why we want to get rid of ALL these kids – they’d greatly improve America’s chances in the next World Cup.
Sargent Bowe Bergdahl went from “verge of death and in need of rescue” to “active duty” in less than 6 weeks. Wow – he must be a quick healer. Bergdahl stands to receive $350 thousand tax-free even though the investigation into his “disappearance” is not complete. Officials are waiting for next week’s episode of “Homeland” to find out what to do next.
Negotiations are underway to get Israel and the Palestinians to work out a cease-fire. Meanwhile, the U.N. says full-out war could erupt with the return of Rosie O'Donnell to “The View,” so they’re writing ABC a stern letter.
As unbelievable as it sounds, Secretary of State John Kerry has brokered a deal to break the stalemate in the Afghan presidential elections. Both sides agreed that if Kerry would finally STOP TALKING, they'd let an independent appraiser audit the votes. They should just go with penalty kicks.
Watch this – I’m about to make parents of young girls roll their eyes with just two words: Princess Movie. One dad has gone a step beyond sane to fuel the princess obsession. Jeremiah Heaton, a father of three from Abingdon, Virginia, claimed a patch of land between Egypt and Sudan as his "kingdom" so that his 7-year-old daughter, Emily, can be a “real” princess! What about his OTHER kids, “Chopped” and “Liver?” Heaton flew to Bir Tawil, an 800 square-mile area that, due to land disputes, is claimed by neither Egypt nor Sudan. The area is reportedly one of the last unclaimed pieces of land on earth (and probably a hell-hole). So Heaton actually trekked through the desert in June, planted the "Heaton kingdom" flag and demanded that everyone address his daughter as "Princess Emily." I don’t know if this is crazy sweet or just crazy.* Confession – sometimes when I’m outside I see how close I can get to woodland animals and pretend I’m a Disney Princess.**
And a few things you need to know …
It was on this date in 1815 that Napoleon was captured. It was a short arrest.
I’d like to go on record to say the name of the Cleveland Browns offends me, but only in the summer when I'm tan.
There is now a shrine in Japan solely dedicated to hemorrhoids. They say it's so crowded, it's standing room only ... which is probably for the best.
Tonight's Major League All Star Game between the National and the American Leagues will determine which league gets home field advantage in the World Series. It's the opposite of the NFL, where being in the Pro Bowl means you didn't make it to the Super Bowl.
And ... Weird Al Yankovic is celebrating his latest album by releasing a new music video every day this week. Finally, a reason to be happy MTV doesn't play music videos anymore. Just stay away from YouTube and we’ll make it through this long national crisis.
**This is 100% truth