LMN 7-23-1945 Still no internet
by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 23 2014 8:04AM
Still no internet at home. No, I did not go back to Starbucks yesterday to latch onto the free Wi-Fi, instead I stayed home and eventually used a hot spot (which is still pretty hipster if you ask me). I just didn’t feel like putting on an eco-friendly t-shirt of Obscure Band along with a scarf I’d claim to have knitted myself. Then I realized: I don’t even know how to turn on the new TV’s. Nor do I know how to activate the hot spot on my phone. NOR do I know how to work the Direct TV remote!
So instead of going to meet up with Atticus, Nico and Piper at Starbucks, I went to the basement and turned on the radio to try and catch the latest news. It was very 1945. I totally expected the Jerries to start bombing at any second and I started talking in an old-movie voice. “Applesauce! This air raid came at the worst time! I had a cake in the oven that would have been ring-a-ding. I might just snap my cap if the all-clear doesn’t sound soon.” It was the only logical course of action. On the upside; I might land a job as an Air Warden. Anyway – on to something like news…
Israel is accusing the US of aiding Hamas because the FAA has cancelled all flights to Israel because of the escalating violence. Yet you can still book a flight to Ukraine. Go figure.
FINALLY that mystery liquid leaking from a Cullman crypt is being tested. Wow – we’ve only known about the creepy seepage since MAY. Way to get right on the case, Quincy. That cemetery should just go buy a new crypt at one of those 'big box' funeral supplliers, It's one-stop coffin!
Texas Governor Rick Perry has ordered 1,000 National Guard troops to help protect his state from an influx of illegal aliens. Weird Al Yankovic's is catching heat for his latest parody song, "Four Dead in El Paso."
“Birmingham is a city on the move!” It’s a hilarious little slogan since the City Council is bowing to local pressure to block “Uber” from expanding into the city. It’s a ride-sharing company and some local “professional driving services” say the gas and money-saving ride option is a bad thing for the city. It WOULD be a very bad thing for the towing companies who lurk Downtown like a pack of velociraptors waiting to spring on anyone who tries to park for more than .05 seconds.
A North Carolina man is in jail today, after leaving his 98 year old wheelchair-bound mother locked in his truck for nearly 5 hours while he gambled in a Maryland casino. The woman was dazed and confused when rescued but is OK ... except for having idiot offspring, she’s OK. Remember, when you ask “How stupid can people be?” Some people will take that as a challenge.
If you’re going for that “don’t hire me” look, there are now tattoos for your teeth. Just be sure to use a reputable dentist. I made mine sign a waiver that read, "Do you swear to tat my tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?"
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1885, Ulysses S. Grant died at the age of 63. He wanted to be cremated, but as much as he drank, they were afraid the fire wouldn't go out for months!
On this date in 1998, scientists announced they had been able to clone 50 mice. At long last, our country's mouse shortage was over.
Monica Lewinsky turns 41 today. Golly, seems just like yesterday she was crawling around on the floor of the Oval office.
This past June was one of the hottest on record! The average global temperature was just over 61 degrees. 61 degrees??? Turn on the darn heat!
The bad news, Casey Kasem's body is still missing. The good news, this weekend, Ryan Seacrest will broadcast the Top 40-places it might be.
And …There was a George Harrison Memorial Tree at L.A.'s Griffith Park, but it has died ironically as a result of hungry beetles. My Sweet Lord what’s next? The Ringo Starr Tree wasn't damaged because even hungry beetles said it wasn't very good. This is the latest in a string of bad luck for the celebrity tree section; the Jimi Hendrix Memorial Tree died last year of a drug overdose.