LMN 7-24-14 A water rant this time.
by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 24 2014 7:57AM
Welcome to the latest installment of Moveageddon. I’m headed home today to sit and wait for the Internet Guy who never called even though we had an appointment. I just want my Wi-Fi, baby, why you gotta be like that? I swear; if he ditches me again I’ll be forced to sit by the phone and wait for him some more. He’ll call. I know he will. He wouldn’t leave me like this.
Yesterday, not having Wi-Fi and not knowing how to work the TV, I did what everyone does on a beautiful summer day when they’re bored; went to wash my hair. I turn on the faucet aaaaaand … nothing. Seriously? The water’s been on for four days and now it’s suddenly cut off? I haven’t even had a chance not to pay a bill! So I call our Friendly Birmingham Water Works and Sewer Board for a swift fix to the situation.
I made it to the “there are 4 calls ahead of you” announcement when they disconnected my call. I call back, and get “there are 20 calls ahead of you.” Yayness!
Long story long, the lady informed me I had never transferred service. Yes, I did. Last week. It took 5 calls. I even have a fax confirmation, call log and another representative’s name to prove it.
Turns out The Man who set up the change of service “is not now nor has ever been employed by the BWWSB.” What? Was he some crazed lunatic who just ran into the BWWSB offices and started answering calls like a madman? It’s like dealing with some shadowy agency like Specter or, more appropriately, Hydra. Hail Hydra!
Long story even longer, I’m waiting on Mr. Water to come turn my water back on but really honestly wanted to take a bath so I fill the tub with bottled water like a Kardashian. I never thought I’d be jealous of all those people in Sochi, Russia who had to bathe in tainted water. Sure they couldn’t get it in their eyes due to risk of blindness, but at least they had the OPTION and it didn’t cost about $80 at Costco.
Naturally, Mr. Water is running late so I cracked open another bottle of H20 and did a deep conditioner treatment. It’s what Uma Thurman would do. (Actually, Uma would have personally visited the Water Works and gone Kill Bill on them … or she would have just taken her precious fax confirmations and call logs and said, “Yes, I’m home all day. Please send Mr. Water over to turn my service back on”). Because that’s all you can do when you’re dealing with a Bond villain-level entity of evil; play along.
On the bright side; my hair DOES look lovely when washed with half a case of Smart Water. Hey! Maybe the Smart Water will make me smart enough to move out of the Water Works service area! Problem is, I used all the water in the tub and have none left to drink. Good thing I’ve seen every episode of Man vs Wild!
Anyway, I DID have some actual news written but I’ve used up far too much valuable internet space with this wall of text. The only semi-giggle-worthy lines involved Biden at the NAACP meeting and Camilla’s oat bucket. You’re really not missing anything. Now excuse me, I feel it in my heart that Internet Guy will come and install my precious Wi-Fi. He’ll call. You wait and see.