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LMN 7-25-14 50 Shades of Rage!

by Lisa Mason posted Jul 25 2014 7:48AM
YES! The Internet is back, and with it, some highly questionable news.
 
Secretary of State John Kerry says he’s drafted a truce proposal for the Gaza Strip and Hamas immediately declared “A Day of Rage.” I sort of know how they feel; Kerry’s voice grates on my nerves too. AND the fact his hair looks like that bad wig the main guy wore in the “Reanimator” movie. So if today is the Day of Rage, what was yesterday? The Day of Major Annoyance? The Day of Pretty Darn Ticked Off? Ugh. Why can’t we just declare a Day of Napping and all chill out?
 
The FAA has lifted the ban on flights to Israel, saying that it's now safe to visit the land of rocket attacks. Former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg flew El Al to Israel Tuesday to protest the temporary flight ban. Now, if we can only ban Israeli flights to the U.S., we can keep him there. Even though a rocket landed near the airport in Tel Aviv, Hamas rockets never seem to hit their intended targets. Seriously, Hamas is 0 for 192,937 from the 3 point range. Apparently, in Gaza, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to be a rocket scientist.
 
A congressman who flew to Central America on a "fact-finding" mission and NEVER ONCE left his hotel, says he found no evidence of the so-called dangerous conditions causing Central American children to flee to America. In a related story, the congressman also said he found no evidence of brutal Central American gang murders in the backseat of his stretch limo. 
 
Breaking news---The U.N. Security Council is in an emergency session to try to broker a cease-fire between General Motors customers and their car dealerships.
 
House and Senate Republicans this week called President Obama's border policies a "total failure." And when you're a member of a Congress with single digit approval ratings, you're absolutely qualified to testify as experts on failure.
 
I’m so excited Alabama may house some of the children who flooded illegally across the border. I have numerous friends who are opposed to deporting them – well you get your wish! I expect those of you who express such empathy for these lone kids to have a welcoming hug ready, to bring them a treat, a blankie, a stuffed bear. They will need school come August so, I beg you to let me know how often you drive them to school and the doctor. I’m being non-sarcastically honest. Here is your golden opportunity to put your money where your Twitter Mouth is. If something matters this much to you; it shouldn’t take much effort to take care of these kids you don’t want sent home. I’m betting most will simply update statuses complaining about the people who don’t want the children in the state instead of taking any useful action. Please prove me wrong. For science.*
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
On this date in 1946, the U.S. conducted their first underwater atomic test. The toughest part was, of course, getting the fuse to stay lit.
 
Former quarterback Tim Tebow says he's still in training waiting for the chance to go back to the NFL. Michael Sam suggested, "Have you considered saying you’re gay?
 
 
Sleep experts say that a lack of sleep can put "false memories" in a person's brain. I'm pretty sure my dog told me that before. No really – I remember her saying something about it.
 
Duran Duran is suing the president of their official fan club for $40,000, which they say is their share of membership dues she collected. Police have issued an all points bulletin for the fan club president. They say her name is Rio, and she under-finances in the sand. 
 
And ... A Brazilian soccer player who changed his citizenship in order to play for Ukraine is now regretting it. That's because 34-year-old Edmar was just drafted to fight in the Ukrainian army!  This guy’s gonna be useless on the battlefield; any shelling anywhere NEAR him and he’ll flop over like he's been shot.
 
 *SCIENCE!
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07/25/2014 7:52AM
LMN 7-25-14 50 Shades of Rage!
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