Today is Valentine's Day. If this is the first you're hearing about it, you're doomed. Just making sure I'm getting this right: Cupid is a guy wearing a diaper that shoots arrows into people and that's supposed to be romantic? Seriously, I like to spend my time not being stalked by a chubby winged toddler carrying a weapon. Vicki Ward, my traffic reporter chewed me out for disliking Valentines Day this morning. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to bring you down! You go and have the most extravagant dinner Groupon has to offer. Go be lovingly spontaneous on this pre-determined day of obligatory romantic expression. Go hold hands with someone and make it special by using the hands that aren’t already holding your phones. It comforts me to be so maladjusted. In all seriousness, I sincerely hope you all find The ONE who will one day become your emergency contact person.
Governors throughout the South deserve kudos preparing their citizens for the latest winter snow and ice storm. Georgia’s governor, under fire for the last ice-crisis, did well this time. He sent out specific early warnings which gave Georgians time to go to town to stock up on the necessities like, bread, milk, soup, moonshine, methamphetamine, long-johns for their "wife-beater" tank-tops, Rebel Flag cozies and trailer hitches.
Comcast announced its buying Time Warner for $45 Billion. The deal will close sometime between 9am and 5pm.
Archaeologists say they've discovered 60 well-preserved skeletons beneath the Uffizi Gallery Museum in Florence, Italy. Really? THAT'S supposed to be a big deal? It's Fashion Week in New York City. There's at LEAST 60 well-preserved skeletons with their fingers down their throats in the Guggenheim Museum bathroom at this very moment.
Paula Deen is forming a new company with the help of an investment from the owner of an NBA team. Paula said, "I want to thank God for the people who still believe in me, and I also want to thank God that owners of NBA teams don't watch the news."
Facebook is now offering custom genders. Aww goodgrief, are we so insecure that we NEED our 545 friends whom we’ve never met IRL to know that though I’m classified female I’ve always identified more with the Cyborg species? This is gonna get annoying when the “otherkin” start changing their genders to “night-elf-woof-spirit.” At least we’ll instantly be able to see the crazy coming.
George Zimmerman is spending a typical Valentine's Day down at the police station. Eyewitnesses say it was self-defense on George's part. Cupid was about to shoot an arrow at George, but Zimmerman was too quick for him.
And a few things you need to know …
On this day back in 1848, President Polk became the first U.S. president to be photographed. It was for the annual White House swimsuit issue.
On this date in 1788, the American Ship Ranger arrived in France, the first ship to bear the brand-new flag of the United States of America. Out of habit, France surrendered.
On this date in 1984, Elton John married a woman in Sydney, Australia, the marriage lasted just under five years. Wonder why they broke up?
Kanye West's Nike Air Yeezy 2 shoes have completely sold out, following Kanye, who sold out about two years ago.
2 million Prius Hybrids are being recalled. There’s a problem with the back bumper; drivers report problems getting the “Obama/Biden” stickers off of them.
GM has announced a massive recall due to ignition switch problems that have resulted in several deaths. GM says the fault lies with drivers who have too much stuff on their keychains. Wow, way to take responsibility by blaming the victims! Guess “GM” now stands for “Getting Malignant.”
A survey says that teens are generally more stressed than their parents. Sure they are. With so many adults out of work, they're worrying about who will pay for their phone, their car and their acne cream.
And … If you missed it, Matt Lauer had to replace Bob Costas as NBC's prime-time Olympics host because of eye infections, and Matt sarcastically blamed Bob's affliction on Vladimir Putin. You know Matt Lauer and Vladimir Putin, right? One is a pompous, evil man who rules with an iron fist, and the other is Vladimir Putin.
BTW --- it’s Bacon Week in Atlantic City. Why are you still here?