February 1, 2015
3:13 pm

Lisa Mason in the Morning

by Lisa Mason posted Jan 30 2015 8:50AM
Oh dear, the deadline has long passed for Jordan to cave to demands from ISIS. Now we’re grimly waiting for news. In a related story, The Al-Jazeera channel is airing a new show called "Sharia Law & Order," with stories on be-headings ripped right from the be-headlines.

An ex-scientist from the Los Alamos Nuclear Weapons Lab got 5 years in prison for offering to supply Venezuela with nukes. 80 year old Pedro Mascheroni says he was going to “gain money and power.” He has a bit of an ego problem; probably from all the teasing he got in school when other kids constantly called him “Mascheroni and Cheese.”

Hey remember Ebola? It’s baaack! A patient at UC Davis Medical Center in northern California is being tested for the virus after showing symptoms. Health officials aren’t saying from where the patient came, or how much contact it had with the outside world – let us just hope doctors found a cure for stupidity because of those imbecilic people wandering around Dallas and New York so we don’t end up with another Ebo-la-la-palooza tour. I’m completely gob-smacked that no one has sponsored an Ebola-awareness 5K already.

The tense border area between Israel and Lebanon appeared eerily quiet all Thursday. No fire was traded between Israel and Hezbollah fighters, where 24 hours earlier it was an all-out war zone. It was almost as if someone found the Lebanon-and-off switch!

Dubai International Airport has overtaken London's Heathrow as the top international airport in the world. That’s weird because half the people in Dubai are on the no-fly list.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1847, the California town of Yerba Buena changed its name to San Francisco. Because "I left my heart in Yerba Buena" just didn't have the same ring to it.

The average American is expected to consume 2,400 calories during the Super Bowl! Meanwhile, doctors are preparing for an influx of illnesses on Monday after everyone spends Sunday sharing germs because nasty people double-dip at Super Bowl parties.

The Obama administration wants to make it illegal to operate a drone while intoxicated. Mothers Against Drunk Droning support the idea.

Somebody has created a new alert system that will let you know if your baby is drowning. I thought we already HAD such an alert system; EYES. Good grief people we’re getting too dumb.

And … word is Amazon.com’s sales are the lowest ever. Hang on, I’ll fix that singlehandedly in 3…2… (PLACE ORDER) Boom.. You’re welcome Amazon.
 Update on the story I had yesterday wherein Denise was trying to find a guy named Michael she met at a concert in Tuscaloosa. We have a lead! Actually, we may have found him already. If this guy isn’t the “right” Michael ... Denise should still give him her number because #Hot. I’m waiting to hear back from all the parties involved. Behold the power of the Eagle! They should put us in charge of finding all of those terror suspects they can’t find. We’d have everything solved in 4 minutes! 
by Lisa Mason posted Jan 29 2015 7:55AM
Malaysia has officially declared that Flight 370 was an accident. No they still haven’t found it but CNN is thrilled to again be relevant. This story has played out EXACTLY like the TV show “Lost:” riveting at first, then too many plot twists and ultimately no acceptable explanation to wrap it up.

We're now learning that the genius who crashed his remote-control Radio Shack drone on the White House lawn at 3:00 am the other morning has admitted he "was drinking" at the time. Was there ever really any doubt? Come on! Friends don't let friends drone-drunk! 

The Church of England consecrated its first female bishop on Monday, meaning that for the first time in England's long history, women can be both Queens AND bishops. I'm not going to tell anybody how to run their church, but they certainly don't know ANYTHING about chess!

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1845, Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven" was first published. On this, the same week the Ravens won't play in the Super Bowl. Coincidence? Yeah. Completely

A study says that people who hear voices in their heads should try talking back to them. Actually, all of my voices had a vote and said that's not true. Then there was the time the voice in my head had laryngitis.

Look out -- Tom Brady is suffering from a bad head cold! I wonder what the PSI is on his sinus pressure?

A report says the super wealthy are buying hideouts in areas like New Zealand where they can escape to in the event of a civil uprising. Sure, but just wait until the Hobbits, Elves and Orcs start fighting again...

And … the story that took up most of today’s show involves a lady named Denise. She was at the Black Jacket/Led Zeppelin show in Tuscaloosa this past Saturday night. She got to talking to the guy sitting in front of her during the second part of the show, they made plans to hang out afters but got separated in the crowd. Denise asked for my help finding this guy because odds are he’s one of us since he’s in Birmingham and knows to see Black Jacket do Led Zep. SO: if you are or if you know Michael from Birmingham who was at the show, I need to hear from you. Hit me up on Facebook or Lisa@Birminghamseagle.com or call my studio line (but not after 10am because I’m not there) (205)741-1069. Denise says he’s tall, brown hair, looks to be in his 30’s and has awesome taste in music. Isn’t this wild? I love a good mystery so help me help Denise find Michael. And yes, I’m trusting that no one involved in this quest has access to chloroform or duct tape. I might be able to make you a good deal on some though. 
Filed Under :
Location : Birmingham
by Lisa Mason posted Jan 28 2015 8:34AM
New York shut down with Alabama-like precision panic due to the threat of terrifying snow. Yet it wasn’t bad, so all the lunatic weather scaremongers had to haul their cookies over to Connecticut and Massachusets. In all, New England received 30 inches of snow, but a Patriots team trainer lowered it to just 26. It’s all about de flate, de flate, de flate – no cheating.*

The Pentagon now says they have not filed desertion charges against Bowe Bergdahl. The investigation’s BEEN complete for a while yet the findings on his actions still have not been released. What’s the deal? Do we need to exchange 5 Taliban guys to get the report released?

The controversy continues over the overturning of Alabama’s same sex marriage ban. The federal judge’s initial ruling was revised because the ruling on the ruling was new and therefore was independent of the ruling whereupon she ruled about the ruling.

The proposed tax hike on 529 college savings plans – has been scrapped. The idea was nixed shortly after it was discovered President Obama has one such plan for his own kids. Oops! There’s one White House “check to see if anyone finds out we have what we want to tax” assistant who will be looking for work.

Didn’t the X-Files already cover this? Researchers want to release genetically modified mosquitoes into the Florida Keys. The hilariously sinister-sounding firm Oxitech, believes they can stop mosquito-borne diseases. By making more mosquitoes. Who would have no natural predators. Don the Listener called in to tell me he Googled the article and found the researchers plan on adding herpes simplex 2 and Ebola to the mosquitoes’ DNA. What could possibly go wrong with this? I’d like to offer you a part in my next film, “Mutant Mosquitoes from Florida.”  

After all the NFL scandals and Tiger Woods’ “tooth-gate,” I’d like to thank the Patriots for at least making their sports scandal actually about a sport. With the whole "Deflate-gate" thing still going on, maybe the Super Bowl half-time show should feature Air Supply. I ordered a “Patriot” with my dinner last night. It's pretty much any drink with soda that's semi-flat.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1861, Kansas became a state. Up until then, Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz had no idea where she wasn't.

A drone landed on the White House lawn the other day. Somewhere, Joe Biden is being yelled at right now.

Who you gonna call? Some complainey-pants Ghostbuster fans are upset there’s an upcoming movie with an all-female cast of specter-slayers. Oh boo hoo hoo. So you’re not getting the movie you wanted them to make? Get in line behind all of us Star Wars fans who had to sit through Jar Jar Binks’ and Hayden Christiansen.

By the way, there’s ANOTHER asteroid coming today. How’s that space program coming along America? This asteroid isn’t as large as yesterday’s, but it IS large enough to build a Starbucks there. It’s not the best place for a restaurant, it lacks atmosphere. HEY! You know what kind of plates they’d use in it? Flying saucers. You could get reservations up there if you planet in advance. I wouldn’t go, I prefer to pack my own food in a launch box. Boom.

And, it was this date in 2014 our area experienced the Icepocalypse. Hundreds of drivers abandoned cars on frozen roads while others were trapped for hours, kids couldn’t get home from school, I had to sleep here at the station for two days – and the words “only a dusting” became legend.
*It’s a song we don’t play on the Eagle. 
Filed Under :
People : Joe BidenObamaTiger Woods
by Lisa Mason posted Jan 27 2015 8:16AM
New York was told they’d get three feet of global warming, instead they only got about 5 inches. Sorry – my favorite part of winter is still not living in New York.

The 11th US Circuit Court has until February 9th to decide what to do about the overturned ban on same-sex marriage in Alabama. C’mon, Gay Divorce Court would be an awesome show! The argument against overturning the ban is that marriage in America is a sacred institution. Yeah? Allow me to present everyone who has ever been on an episode of “The Bachelor.” Yeesh.  It’s the obsession with shows like that that the aliens refuse to talk to us.

The federal government has asked Disney to make a “Frozen” spin off warning kids about global warming. Because doom and gloom go well with a top 40 hit.  

Remember the Facebook fights surrounding Bowe Bergdahl? The guy who got himself captured by the Taliban and for whom 5 terrorists were freed from Gitmo? I saved hundreds of dollars on Christmas presents because of the defriending that took place during a Bergdahl debate. Anyway, he will be charged with desertion. No clue if that’s us or the Taliban bringing the charges against him. There will be a court martial, but the WH is trying to keep it on the down-low since we now know we traded FIVE of their guys to get ONE of their guys.

A mystery radio signal has been picked up in deep space. The main thing that makes me believe in UFO’s/aliens is sometimes I lose stuff that I had in my hand not three seconds ago. MUST be aliens.

And a few things you need to know…

It was on this date back in 1662 that the lime was first introduced to America. It wasn't until 250 years that the lemon arrived in the U.S., on a Detroit assembly line.

In 1948, the very first tape recorder was sold. We offer that option with this show, but no one takes us up on the offer. Except the NSA.

Sports Illustrated has laid off all its staff photographers. This year's Swimsuit Issue could be entirely selfies.

While you may never actually want to unboil an egg, it can be done. Researchers in the US and Australia have found a way to do so with a primary ingredient from urine.  Great – who needed that cure for cancer anyway?

KFC is out with their new “double down dog.” A hotdog with a bun made of fried chicken and topped with gooey cheese sauce. The real injustice here is A) It is only available in the Philippines and B) they didn’t wrap it in bacon.

AND … Facebook went down for an hour last night. Worldwide, social media addicts had to print out pictures of themselves and hold them up to total strangers while screaming, “DO YOU LIKE THIS?”
Filed Under :
Topics : Human Interest
Location : AlabamaDetroitNew York
People : Gay Divorce
by Lisa Mason posted Jan 26 2015 8:23AM
Already we have travel disruptions because a blizzard is going to hit New York later. They’re calling it Winter Storm 2015. Uh, it’s only January, what happens if there’s ANOTHER winter storm this year?

Alabama’s ban on gay marriage was overturned Friday. No matter what you think of it one thing is certain: in a gay marriage you never have to argue over who left the toilet seat up. I support EVERY couple’s right to a 50-50 shot at a miserable divorce.

Thank goodness they finally have a suspect in this sad case -- A Georgia couple went missing after leaving to purchase a car from a seller on Craigslist. You know how to tell if a deal is potentially dangerous? It’s ON CRAIGSLIST.

Cheetos is introducing a new cinnamon and sugar snack called 'Sweetos'. I'm assuming it'll do better than the time Comet offered that violet-scented cleanser, Vomet.

The Bulletin of Atomic scientists last week cited increased threats to mankind's existence, so they turned the infamous Doomsday Clock ahead 2 minutes, leaving the world just 3 minutes from midnight! So the other night, when President Obama told everybody that 'the State of our Union is strong," apparently he left out the part about everyone in the world dying in 3 minutes. We would have been OK had Joe Biden not set the Doomsday Clock ahead an hour during the time change last spring. 

SkyMall, the catalogue of unnecessary items that air travelers have long flipped through while waiting to be told that they're allowed to turn their iPods back on, has filed for bankruptcy. Now, people who have more money than sense must find abother source for platinum iPad bed easels or life-sized Lord of the Rings chess sets.

The Old Farmer's Almanac says bitter cold is expected to dominate the Central Plains and Eastern Seaboard next month. But enough about the day Hillary Clinton goes to Iowa to announce that she's running for President. Which leads me to this; Sarah Palin says SHE’S definitely interested in running for president in 2016. I’m surprised she’d take the pay cut from doing all those reality shows. Comedians, comedy writers, morning show hosts, democrats and Tina Fey are all desperately hoping this happens.

CNN says they're going to try a political game show. Suggested title: "Who's watching it anyway?"

Hey FYI -- there’s an asteroid the size of two cruise ships that’s passing by Earth today. Astronomers are calling it a “near miss.” Excuse me, but isn’t a “near miss” an “almost hit?” It’ll be at its brightest around 10:52 this morning but you’ll need binoculars to view it unless scientists are wrong and it really kills us all. My dog isn’t worried about the asteroid, I’m Sirius. 
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