Lisa Mason's Morning News (09-17-13)
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 17 2013 8:07AM
I’ve added a handy chart to this morning’s news to preempt everything the MSM is about to start saying about Buddhism. 34 year old ex-shooter Aaron Alexis is said to have been a practicing Buddhist. I ... think he’s doing it wrong. BTW, do you know many Zen Buddhists it takes to change a light bulb? Three. One to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change and not change it. The 12 killed in yesterday’s shooting at the Washington Naval Yard haven’t all been identified yet but the debate over gun control is already heating up. If guns cause crimes, then I’m blaming this Dell keyboard for all the typos.
Only in Colorado can you go snow skiing and water skiing on the same day. I’ve always felt bad for the people of that state, prone to so many disasters plus they spend their entire childhood having to plan Halloween costumes around a coat. The footage of the floods is staggering – seems like every car fleeing the area has a mountain bike on top that cost more than the car.
I don't want to say things are going badly for President Obama, but the winner of the Miss America pageant received a congratulatory phone call from Vladimir Putin.
There’s a crisis in New York! Since Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner both lost their races, the city currently has no politician embarrassing himself.
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad says he is turning over his chemical weapons because Russia asked him to, "not because of the U.S. threatening to bomb him." He also said his doctor just told him he's allergic to gluten and being bombed.
New reports say that there are 1,000 feral rhesus monkeys living in Florida and many of them have herpes. Whatever you do, don't walk around down there dressed like a sexy banana.
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1796, President Washington gave his farewell speech, saying he was retiring for good. Washington had it tough; he didn’t have much of a previous president to blame everything on.
Today back in 1964, "Bewitched" made its debut. It taught us that if you replace Darrens and act natural, no one will notice.
It was this date in 1920, the American Professional Football Association -- which became the NFL -- was formed in Canton, Ohio. Up until that time, people got things done on Sunday.
I missed this one yesterday thanks to the sick freak who shot up the Naval Yard in Washington. The fans at Seattle's CenturyLink Field set the Guinness Book record for the loudest crowd ever at 136.6 decibels, which is comparable to a jet engine at 100-feet. No wonder people are sleepless in Seattle. It's too loud to doze off. You know who I feel sorry for? The NSA operatives who were listening to that Seahawk game with their super-sensitive microphones
It hasn’t commanded decent press in years but now we know NASA's Voyager 1 spacecraft is now officially 12-billion miles from Earth. Of course, Voyager doesn't recognize The Seattle Seahawk's Guinness Book record for world's loudest crowd, because in space, no one can hear you scream.
And finally -- Miley Cyrus has quit following Liam Hemsworth on Twitter. That can only mean one thing: breakup! More information about their relationship is available through the freedom of information act at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Bonus random story of interest: You’d think Hawaii would be used to this but a woman there is in trouble with the DMV because her name won’t fit on a driver's license. Janice "Lokelani" Keihanaikukauakahihuliheekahaunaele married into that beast of a last name and is being told she can’t have it on official documents because there’s not enough room. Mrs. Keihanaikukauakahihuliheekahaunaele lost her husband in 2008 and takes great pride in the name. In Hawaiian, her name means "When there is chaos and confusion, you are one that will stand up and get people to focus in one direction and come out of the chaos." Seems perfectly suited someone fighting with the DMV.
Filed Under :
Aaron Alexis, Anthony Weiner, Bashar al-Assad, Eliot Spitzer, Janice "Lokelani" Keihanaikuka, Liam Hemsworth, Lisa Mason, Miley Cyrus, Obama, Vladimir Putin, Zen Buddhists