August 28, 2014
10:25 am

Lisa Mason in the Morning

by Lisa Mason posted Aug 28 2014 7:02AM
No news today, it's 7:05 AM and I'm already ready for a nap. The only times I'm NOT sleepy are when I'm in bed, supposed to be asleep.
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 27 2014 8:11AM
Odd happenings in the wake of that earthquake. Napa Valley residents are back at work, encouraging tourists to come, the gas leaks are fixed and power is coming back. Yep. Normalcy. Nobody waited for FEMA to do it for them and no one was caught looting. Granted, how does one go about looting in Napa Valley? "Standish, smash that window and grab that magnum of Cabernet Sauvignon! Wait – check to see if it's the 2010 by Raymond Generations first. I don't want the Chateau Montelena. Oh. It IS the Montelena? *Sigh* I suppose it'll have to do."

White House officials are swearing the U.S. paid no ransom to Syria to win the release of American reporter Peter Theo Curtis. This has most of us saying, "I wonder how much ransom money the White House paid Syria?"

Burger king says moving their HQ to Canada will save them millions of dollars. Saving money? Can we move the Federal Government there?

Prince says he'll release 2-albums next fall. No wonder the Old Farmer's Almanac had Purple Rain in the long-range forecast.

That young homeless man who accepted the Video of the Year Award for Miley Cyrus at the VMA's Sunday night is wanted by Oregon police on an old warrant. Great, so he found a place to stay! I love happy endings!

Matt Damon took the Ice bucket challenge with water from his toilet, raising awareness for the millions with neither clean drinking water nor acceptable sewer facilities. Great – he's taking the Hepatitis C challenge.
This charity awareness is getting out of hand. There's a breast cancer challenge going on where you are shamed into posting an embarrassing status update to support the cause or whatever. I'm sorry* but the online peer pressure, humiliation and physical discomfort "for charity" is getting old. Every charity wants the same viral action as ALS, so we're flooded with new weird stunts. "I'm raising awareness for the Humane Society by stapling this napkin to my face!" What's next? "I'm raising awareness for ovarian cancer by tying a motorcycle to a tree branch and riding it like a swing."

And … It's a first world problem; some customers are upset that Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Lattes don't contain pumpkin. It DOES contain the equivalent of you having to do 45 minutes on the elliptical though.

*Not sorry
Filed Under :
Topics : Human Interest
Location : Oregon
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 26 2014 8:29AM
I couldn't find any picture that somehow related to any story here, so have a cute bat.
Did you watch any of the Emmy's last night? I believe they're just about done with acceptance speeches. In honour of "Breaking Bad" most of the actors showed up high on meth. Call me when they start handing out awards for Best Original Tweet about Someone Else's Screenplay because I think I've got it.

Sunday's 6.0 earthquake is considered California's biggest disaster since the Oakland Raiders. Meanwhile, Doomsday Sayers claim California will be plagued with floods, earthquakes and droughts as punishment until we stop doing that Ice Bucket Challenge. All the cable news stations are showing video of winemakers sweeping up thousands of broken bottles. Nobody has seen that many jagged shards since breakfast with Courtney Love.

The US is prepping airstrikes on ISIS targets in Syria. Syria says that sounds like an act of war … against Syria. How long till the Nobel Peace Prize people call and tell Obama they want their award back?

The Birmingham City Council only has a day left to act before hundreds of city retirees see their health insurance costs skyrocket. Sorry guys! Can't help you on the insurance thing, we got ourselves an Empowerment Festival to plan and need to take those DNC reps to Hot and Hot.

A Tennessee high school senior was suspended from school for saying, "bless you" after someone sneezed. That's pretty bad, but in Iraq you get beheaded for that.

Critics are saying that President Obama is spending too much on the golf course during these trying times. His caddy says that's absolutely untrue. Just because the Golf Channel is going to get the exclusive on all his future press conferences doesn't mean a thing.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 55 BC, Roman forces under Julius Caesar invaded Britain. You thought the Beatles were the first British Invasion -- guess again!

On this date in 1920, the 19th Amendment was passed, giving women the right to vote. Finally we could share the blame!

The network FXX is now showing every "Simpson's" show ever. That's all 552 wacky "Simpson's" episodes … except for the one where O.J. chopped up those people.

Not to cause a panic or anything BUT we're exactly four months from hitting the after-Christmas sales. Monday's Labor Day so those Christmas decorations should be up in stores in 3 … 2… 1.

And … here's two stories I had on the show this morning for your consideration.

It was a real Sit Storm. A United Airlines flight from Newark to Denver was diverted after 2 passengers got into a fight over a Knee Defender. The Knee Defender is a passive-aggressive gadget that prevents the person in front of you from reclining. The incident escalated when a woman went to recline her seat, only to find it blocked by the man behind her and his Knee Defender. A flight attendant told him to remove the gadget, he refused so the woman threw a drink in his face. The plane diverted to Chicago, dropped off the idiots, then flew on to Denver an hour and a half late. If two goofs make me late because of their attitude one of them BETTER end up in cuffs. Both passengers are 48 years old. Grow up. Flying is bad enough without turning it into the Hunger Games.

The next story for debate is the South Carolina high school freshman who was arrested then suspended. Know what his terroristic crime was? A writing assignment in which he tells a story about shooting his neighbor's pet dinosaur.
The creative writing assignment so horrified teachers they immediately called 911, the kid was searched and hauled away. Cops say he was arrested because he became disorderly when confronted by teachers. Well heck who wouldn't be gobsmacked and ticked off? "Lisa, we've called the police because you used the word 'gun' while writing your news." WHAAAAAAT?
Hey - Can I have the teacher who made me read Of Mice and Men arrested? There was a gun in that. This is beyond absurd; they can't take real guns away from us so now you can't even say the word without fear of the complainy-pants-police. Given the state of education in many areas, it's a miracle the kid could even spell "gun."

Filed Under :
People : Courtney LoveObama
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 25 2014 7:53AM
Napa Valley residents expect a heavy economic blow thanks to yesterday's 6.0 mag earthquake. Why? It'll be easier to make wine now that the grapes are pre-crushed. Let's all pause for a moment to remember all that wine that has been destroyed...

A captive journalist has been freed in Syria before anyone could remove his head. I just crossed "foreign war correspondent" off my employment wish-list. Seriously, if you want to become a network talking head, the minimum requirement is a head that talks.

The ISIS member who beheaded a US journalist is believed to be a British rapper. A rapper? I'm shocked; rappers are generally known to hold themselves to much higher ethical standards

A memorial "service" to honor Tiger, War Eagle 6, will be held Friday in Plainsman Park. The event will begin at 5 p.m. and is free. At 34, she was believed to be among the oldest living golden eagles in captivity. The memorial will feature Tiger's highlight reel, because if there's one thing we can do in this state its put together a highlight reel. Anyway, just a note to my fellow Bama fans not to be buffoons over this. How would you feel if the elephant we don't have died and the Barners made fun of it? Let's just get through this football season with some grace and quiet dignity and don't go acting like we're in Missouri.*

The Cincinnati Archdiocese says the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge is at odds with good Catholic values. Their problem is with the ALS Association, which backs a study using embryonic stem cells. The bucket thing has about run its course anyway. It's funny they're selling "bucket" Halloween costumes, like it'll still be a thing in two months. The main thing online NOW is ice bucket challenge FAILURES. When will we start raising money to help all the people who have been cracked in the head with buckets? Bucket injuries have risen 300% in the past 2 weeks; when do we start calling for stricter bucket control???

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1822, William Herschel died. Herschel was the one who discovered Uranus and don't think he wasn't kidded about that.

In 1875, a man swam across the English Channel for the very first time. It wasn't until years later than someone channel surfed.

Model Claudia Schiffer turns 44 today, which is 156 in model years.

York City Starbucks locations are now selling hard liquor, as well as wine and beer. This is for those you who want to pay $13.00 for a 12-ounce drink without having the chance to watch a show at Oak Mountain Ampitheatre.

Suzanne Somers is blaming the producers of "Three's Company" for ruining her TV career. What? Joyce DeWitt didn't get the Thighmaster endorsement. What's SS's deal?

Miley Cyrus won big at last night's MTV Music Awards. Why is it called art when SHE licks a hammer but when YOU do it you get kicked out of Lowe's?

And ... A special thanks to all the friends, family and my Eagle listeners who came to the Sidewalk Film Festival this weekend. My short "Nine Minutes" was in the Sidewalk-equivalent of the World Cup's "Group of Death." Everyone brought their A game (except for [Name REDACTED]). All of my crew represented and I'm just so proud of everyone. Let's do it again next year! I have SUCH a story for you…

*This is the SEC. We don't "do" quiet dignity and grace.
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 22 2014 7:15AM

U.S. airstrikes are finally helping to slow the advance of militant Sunnis in Iraq. It sure took long enough for President Obama to take the ISIS Bucket Challenge.

Speaking OF … The U.S. Departments of State and Defense have come out against the Ice Bucket Challenge, ruling that current State Department employees, service members and Pentagon employees cannot have ice dumped on them while in uniform or civilian clothes. President Obama seconded the ruling, saying he prefers throwing money at problems instead of ice.

Officials in Ferguson, Missouri, are blaming "outside agitators" for stirring up trouble in their town. Eric Holder responded, "Hey, but I'm the Attorney General!" Only a couple arrests there last night. Wow, that's tame: I saw more arrests last night at the Sidewalk Filmmakers' reception.

The wife and child of the leader of the militant wing of Hamas have been killed in an Israeli airstrike. The "militant" wing of Hamas? I guess that's to distinguish them from the "Hamas Meet and Greet Welcoming Committee" wing that hands out fruit baskets.

A new report says that former president Bill Clinton loves a certain cigar that costs $1,000 each! I don't want to even begin to think where THAT has been.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1692, eight "witches" were hanged in Massachusetts. Needless to say, that was the least popular costume the following Halloween.

On this date in 1906, the Victrola was patented. It was the predecessor of the record player, which was the predecessor of the cassette player, which was the predecessor of the CD player which is what we used to listen to before our phones.

The Old Farmers' Almanac is predicting a "Super-Cold" winter with heavy snows this season. Of course, Al Gore is threatening to buy all the copies and burn them.

In California, a guy wearing a clown mask has been robbing gas stations and convenience stores. Police describe him as "armed and hilarious."

And … don't tell me there's nothing to do this weekend because the Sidewalk Film Festival is underway Downtown! You have a date Sunday at 10:00 at ASFA to watch "Nine Minutes." This is a great short from Birmingham's own Backwoods Films and when you get your audience survey card, remember to rank "Nine Minutes" the highest.
Wait just a sec – why am I promoting a single film when there are 200 + being screened? Because I'm IN "Nine Minutes." Directors are learning that if you hire a radio announcer to be in your film you will get unlimited shameless plugs.* Half of my radio show this morning was about "Nine Minutes" even though I'm supposed to be promoting the CS&N show tonight. Well if CS&N put me in their show I'd talk about it more. Anyway -- Come early because seats are first come EVEN if you have VIP passes. Even if you pre-purchased your tickets (and didn't get the secret reserved seats) you aren't guaranteed a seat. Guess that's ONE way to make money! See you at Sidedwalk!

*Because all radio announcers are shameless ho's.
Filed Under :
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 21 2014 7:53AM
Officials in Ferguson, Missouri are again pleading for people to stay home after dark. Ferguson residents responded, "But there's nothing good on TV. Just a bunch of people throwing firebombs and bottles at cops."

Before hitting the golf course yesterday, President Obama took a minute to comment on the horrific beheading of an American journalist by ISIS. He was so upset about it he nearly choked his backswing. Though they didn't consider trading 5 Taliban guys for his release, turns out the Pentagon DID try to rescue James Foley and other hostages but went to the wrong location. That's Apple Maps for ya.
Bit of a rant here BUT … Bush was crucified for continuing to read a book to students on the "original" 9-11. President Obama went golfing 15 minutes after his little speech about Foley. Does Barry not have a single advisor to tell him, "Ummm … you need to at least pretend to be bothered?" Even Tony Stewart was smart enough to stay home the day after he ran over that guy.

Mike Ditka defended Washington's use of their team name saying "the Redskins are part of an American football history." As evidence, Ditka recalled the book "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee," wherein Geronimo played the entire 4th quarter with a torn ACL.

There's a nationwide peanut butter recall including brands sold at Whole Foods. Animal droppings may have reached the production line, so your Reese's Pieces could be tainted with Geese's feces.

A study says that 36% of all Americans haven't saved anything for when they retire. You could always go with my plan: I've saved enough to rent a moving van so I can move in with your kids.

A solar plant in California's Mojave Desert is reportedly generating so much heat it is frying birds in mid-air. I was trying to come up with a fried chicken joke but thought about it so long I eventually just left and went to Chick fil-A.

And … Former President George W. Bush has taken the Ice Bucket Challenge and then challenged Bill Clinton to take it. Clinton accepted and challenged Dick Cheney to take the Ice Water Boarding Challenge.
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 20 2014 7:14AM
The cease fire in Gaza has crumbled. The place is starting to look as bad as Ferguson, Missouri. Speaking of, the Westboro Baptist Church says they're planning to picket in Ferguson. So it's officially a 3 ring circus now.

Conservatives are suggesting an indictment against Texas Governor Rick Perry is "banana republic* politics" coming right out of the Oval office. I don't know if Obama is behind it, but looking at his approval ratings, the president is the guy with one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. Or maybe it's just Michelle Obama practicing banana bread politics.

Phil Simms from CBS sports says he won't use the word "Redskins," during his broadcasts this year. Don't think this is a big thing. The Redskins suck, so Phil Simms won't be doing any of their games anyway.

The Princeton Review says that Vanderbilt University has the happiest students in the country. They obviously aren't the football season ticket holder students.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date back in 1914, the Germans occupied Brussels and quickly earned the nickname, "Brussel Krauts."

On this date in 1918, during World War I, Britain opened its offensive on the Western front. Suddenly, it was no longer all quiet.

It looks like fall is going to arrive a little early. You can get the Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks starting next Tuesday. My favorite urban legend making the Twitter rounds is that if you know if you say "pumpkin spice" in the mirror three times, a white girl in yoga pants will appear and tell you all her favorite things about fall. I adore pumpkin spice. I stockpiled pumpkin spice coffee creamer last year and I'm finally down to my last bottle AND I use it in my pumpkin spice coffee. Maybe I have a problem; I once sang "Wish You Were Here: while playing Rock Band and dedicated it to pumpkin spice.

The NFL says that performing in their Super Bowl halftime show is so profitable for the artists; the artists should pay them for the privilege. There certainly is lots of exposure. Just ask Janet Jackson.

And ... it's a sign of the End Times; TLC has ordered more "Kate plus 8" specials. Maybe she'll get lucky and one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single and likes crazy broads with too many kids.

*That's some sharply dressed politics!
Filed Under :
Location : BrusselsFergusonGazaMissouriTexas
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 19 2014 8:32AM
For the record, it took me an hour to do today's headlines and TWO HOURS to find a picture to post along with it. I couldn't find anything I liked so here is a picture of an awesome puppy.

A temporary cease fire in Gaza ended last night. President Obama urged both sides to exercise restraint. And both sides told President Obama they're hoping people in Ferguson, Missouri, do the same thing.

Don't you wonder how all those protesters in Ferguson have the energy to get up and go to work every morning? Attorney General Eric Holder is making a furiously fast trip to Ferguson. Oh great, now he's going to sell the rioters guns.

President Obama says Kurdish forces have recaptured the Mosul dam with help from US airstrikes. Okay, how does this help relieve the drought in California?

Several Hoover parents are up in arms over proposed rezoning. They say the move will lower property values because people will move to a certain home or subdivision because of the school they want their children to attend. Um… isn't how school zones work? I thought that's a main reason Hoover looks like a giant gerrymandered octopus on a map.

If your child uses essential oils for asthma or allergy relief – they're now banned in Jefferson County schools. Oh, you can still get a liver-killing Tylenol or birth control from the school nurse, but eucalyptus oil is right out.

And a few things you need to know…

On this date in 1960, the Soviet Union launched 3 dogs into space. Of course, they had to circle the earth several times before they could sit down.

This week in 1950, ABC began showing cartoons on Saturday morning. Those were the days! Now when I wake up on Saturday, I watch a few minutes of depressing news and just go back to bed. I felt much better when the worst thing that could happen was having a safe dropped on Wile E. Coyote.

Facebook is testing out a "satire" tag for feeds from places like The Onion because too many people mistake satire news for the real thing. There's a name for people like that.*

The creator of the pop-up ad, Ethan Zuckerman says he wants to apologize for the idea. I'd tell you more but an ad for a cheese grater was blocking the rest of story.

A German man with devil horn implants and 435 tattoos and body piercings was denied entry into Dubai because of his appearance. The man says that no one understands him. Well if he didn't have 20 tongue piercings maybe we COULD understand him. I have no idea what he's saying.

And … A UFO was spotted in the skies during a forest fire in British Colombia last week. Because aliens don't have Smokey the Bear to help them? The pictures are ridiculous -- it's like when someone sees a UFO they immediately rush to grab their poorest quality camera.

Filed Under :
Topics : Human Interest
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 18 2014 8:16AM

Today's Nearly Impossible trivia for CS&N tickets brought up a touchy subject; the thermostat. 65% of fathers will not let their kids touch it, marriages have fallen apart over it, coworkers killed over it. The thermostat *might* be the biggest threat to modern civilization since ISIS and the McRib combined. The only thing that comes close to the terrible power of thermostat control would have to be leaving unused time on the microwave. Not only is it freezing in here, but somebody left the break room microwave with :07 left on the cook-time. Seriously? Don't be a barbarian, clear the time if you take your food out early! Mainiacs!
Anyway, I could stay in here and write my news blog as I normally do but I only have my parka and one blanket and the Eagle studio has been hit by Winter Storm Tom (Tom's our engineer who refuses to hear my frozen pleas and locked my thermostat). See? Absolute thermostat power corrupts absolutely!
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 15 2014 8:04AM
Watching the news, I'm starting to wonder when we walked through a time portal and returned to the 1960's. Missouri Governor Jay Nixon yanked the St. Louis County cops command of the Ferguson riot scenes, and replaced them with the Highway Patrol. "Tin soldiers and Nixon coming, all there for the world to see. This summer I hear the drumming, 2 dead in Missouri." The protests over the shooting of Michael Brown have calmed since the Highway Patrol took over and I think that's just sup-pu-per, troop-pu-per.* Don't worry about the cops who were replaced though -- they can always get new jobs as Nazi storm troopers in World War II recreations.

With relief packages from the US, thousands of religious refugees in Iraq are escaping the onslaught of the extremist group ISIS aka ISIL aka IS.** They're escaping into Syria, which is like jumping out of the frying pan into a hotter frying pan that's on top of a different frying pan. Even with this, President Obama says the situation in Iraq is "improving" due to US help. Yeah, everybody is LEAVING. Obama just had his "Mission Accomplished" moment.

A Chinese phone company has announced that the name of their new phone will be the "Nana." Nothing says cutting edge of technology like naming a phone after your grandmother.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1939, the Wizard of Oz premiered. . It was a Toto success. In honor of its 75th anniversary, the first half of my morning show today was in black and white.

Woodstock opened on this date in 1969. The tricky thing about Woodstock: if you were there, you probably don't remember you were there.

Major League Baseball is considering playing some regular season games in Europe. It may be time to take out some insurance on all those stained glass windows.

There's a 200-pound butter sculpture of "Field of Dreams" star Kevin Costner on display at the Iowa state fair. They should have done it in margarine. "I Can't Believe it's not Costner!"

Why so little news today? Because I'll be with the Eagle tonight at the Alice Cooper concert and A) need a nap B) need to find something to wear. Welcome to my nightmare!***

*Gratuitous ABBA reference.

**Please decide on what the heck you're called.

***It's a song, Mom and Da.
Filed Under :
Location : IowaMissouriSt. Louis County
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 14 2014 7:39AM

I turned on the TV and saw violence, beatings, fear, oppression and hatred. Oh I'm not talking about Iraq; I'm talking about Ferguson, Missouri. The violent scene on the streets looks as if either the Rams or the Cheifs either won or lost the Superbowl.

The refugee situation in Iraq is nightmarish. But remember – you can't have a CRISIS without ISIS! President Obama says it's Bush's fault that he withdrew troops from Iraq. The president went on to blame Bush for the fact that Michelle won't let him order fried crab cakes in Martha's Vineyard.

The Ebola outbreak has claimed the life of another doctor in Sierra Leone. Aid workers are warned to avoid contact with bodily fluids from the infected. So normally they're cool with strangers throwing up on them?

A poll says that trust in the government is at an all-time low, with one in ten Americans saying they never trust the government. Now I wonder if the government just wants us to believe that?

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1900, China's boxer rebellion ended and citizens peacefully returned to wearing briefs.

Yesterday was National Lazy Day. Just couldn't get up the energy to tell you.

And … A riot broke out inside New York's Rikers Island after prisoners were sent to bed early and forced to miss their favorite TV shows. Just curious-- why are there any televisions in any prison to begin with? Isn't the idea to make criminals not like going there? I've never been to jail but I HAVE been stuck on a few group texts, I imagine it's pretty much the same.
Filed Under :
Topics : PoliticsWar_Conflict
Location : FergusonMissouriNew York
People : BushObama
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 12 2014 8:39AM
President Obama took the time to weigh in on the situation in Iraq before making an official comment on the death of Robin Williams. Obama says the US is NOT at war in Iraq. Oh, so those airstrikes, drones and weapons are just movie props? It is primarily a humanitarian mission though; thousands of refugees have fled the extremist group ISIS/L and are now trapped on Mount Sinjar with neither food nor water. Wow, I bet they're pretty depressed being trapped on something referred to as Iraq's "Mountain of Death." If only every celebrity on the rotten planet would Tweet about their situation. Sorry, it's getting ranty in here.

I wasn't going to talk about this at all. Yeesh. Robin Williams had three new movies coming out, a bazillion dollars, countless adoring fans and every posh resource for treatment/management Marin County (and the world) had to offer. And it's not like he was having to wake up and dig a ditch or get yelled at by the boss.
I'm not trying to belittle his depression and substance abuse, but there are thousands of people who wake up and think "why bother" yet they get up and go to work anyway. Through the pain, through the darkness, through the mind-forged horror, they don't let their disease kill them. And these are people without a secretary to take their calls, with no personal assistant to pay the bills, who don't have to clean the kitchen, who don't have money for treatment, who don't have a driver to take them home when the depression becomes too much to be out with friends, who aren't trapped on the "Mountain of Death" in Iraq.
Hmmm ... maybe I'm being needlessly harsh simply because Williams is famous. I DID like him in "Aladdin" though.

Big surprise here. Hamas broke their 3-day truce with Israelis by firing 50 rockets into Israel before the truce was over. Hamas is also launching armed drones and they say they'll resume suicide missions into Israel aimed at killing civilians. For the last several weeks, Hamas suicide attackers haven't gone into Israel because they were afraid they might get blown up by their own rockets and drones.

Remnants of a pipe bomb were found at a Colorado middle school. I know what you're thinking, but no, there wasn't any pot in the pipe. With Colorado these days, you can never be too sure.

Mayor Bill de Blasio has signed a bill dropping New York's city-street speed limit from 30 to 25 MPH. Well, there was a rumor that Tony Stewart was in the area.

The whole world is a hot mess; Iraq has ousted their nutty PM and the election in Afghanistan isn't progressing well. All the votes were divided between Abdullah Abdullah, Ashraf Ghani and Larry the Kabul Guy.

CNN's Baghdad correspondent, Arwa Damon has apologized for biting 2-paramedics while she was drunk. Those paramedics are lucky it wasn't a higher-level CNN reporter. If Wolf Blitzer bites you, you turn into a werewolf. Don't even ask me what happens if Anderson Cooper bites you.

And a few things you need to know …

In 1877, Thomas Edison recorded sound with his invention, the Edisonphone. He also invented the Edison-pod and the Edison-pad.

Someone leaked a copy of the yet-to-be-released "Expendables 3" and nearly 2 and a half-million people have already downloaded it. The good news for the film's producers is, the movie was so clichéd, most people thought it was "Expendables 2" and deleted it.

McDonald's reported its worst global sales since 2003, dropping 2.5%. The other day, I noticed their Happy Meals were now known as Only Mildly Amused Meals.

And … Millions of Facebook users are up in arms after being forced to download the stupid, annoying and crummy Messenger app. Which is horrible. I'm convinced Ebola is spread through Chat Heads. Seriously, I hate the Chat Heads. Half the people who contact me on FB Messenger I don't even know who they are but there's their little facey face just popping up on my screen! GAH! THEN I always accidentally press their stupid face-head and pull up the message and I KNOW they can see that I read it so they'll write back. Wait … can we go back to talking about rich people with depression and alcoholism?
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 11 2014 8:02AM
Millions of Facebook users are apparently now experts on Sprint Cup racing. Who knew?

The U.S. has resumed strategic air strikes in Iraq for the first time since 2011. ANOTHER summer sequel? Can't ANYBODY come up with an original idea? General Douglas MacArthur once said, "Old soldiers never die," so I guess the same goes for old wars. Along with airstrikes, the US is now arming Kurdish fighters in Iraq. If this keeps up they're going to make Obama hand that Peace Prize back.

No, you're not hallucinating; the latest cease fire is still holding in Gaza. Egypt has launched a Kickstarter campaign in order to fund Israel and the Palestinians with something to do besides kill each other. No one's ever been shot over a friendly game of Scrabble.*

A floating restaurant in Kentucky sank into the Ohio River. The restaurant owner said he suddenly felt like a homeowner.

The mother of Cooper Harris, who died after being locked inside his father's SUV, has been cleared and will likely not face charges. Leanna Harris says the issue of her husband's sexting while Cooper was dying is between "God and us." Actually it's between Tricksie, Pheonixxx and Selena and God and you, Leanna. Prosecutors say the only thing Leanna is definitely guilty of is acting so darn weird and creepy after Cooper was killed.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1919, the Green Bay Packers were born. Wow, that was more than three Brett Favre retirements ago.

A bedbug infestation has been found on New York City subway trains. These days, a train might not be the only thing you'll catch.

ABC has canceled "The Black Box." Wish I had known it ever existed, so I could pretend to care.

A Canadian production company will soon stage a new musical based on the life of Mayor Rob Ford. I believe it's called "The Best Little Crackhouse in Toronto."

And … Smokey Bear turned 70 years old on Saturday. Now instead of saying "Only you can prevent forest fires, he just shakes his fist screaming, "You kids get off my lawn!"

*That we know of
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 8 2014 8:22AM
BREAKING NEWS! The long feud is over! There will be no future fighting now that peace has been established. Paris Hilton Tweeted that her 8 year long spat with Kim Kardashian is over. It's your move Israel and Palestinians. If Paris and Kim can talk terms, what's stopping you?

Not only is Hawaii dealing with the first hurricanes in 22 years, yesterday they suffered a 4.3 earthquake. So, it's official. "Hawaii Five-0" has been downgraded to "Hawaii 4.3." Okay, that joke was criminally bad. Book me, Danno.

Israel is defending themselves against criticisms that too many civilians have been killed in the latest dust-up in Gaza, saying that Hamas uses Palestinian civilians as "human shields." Well, that's a move forward. At least one side is conceding that the other side is even "human." Baby steps! Meanwhile, the cease fire in Gaza is over – guess everyone had time successfully reload.

The White House says that they have powerful tools at their disposal to discipline Russia diplomatically for not acting in good faith on the world stage. Powerful tools? That's a completely disrespectful way to refer to Obama and Vice President Biden!

People in Russia are concerned President Vladimir Putin's ban on U.S. agricultural imports will take them back to the days when they had to stand in long bread lines. Putin told the complainy-pants to tighten their belts. Now they're standing in the line for belts.

It will be nearly two more weeks before half a dozen Tuskegee University students will be able to return from Liberia. They've been stranded there thanks to travel restrictions due to the deadly Ebola outbreak. You'd think anyone with ties to Tuskegee would know to stay away from heinously infectious diseases.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1888, the revolving door was patented. Until then, companies with high turnover had to use regular doors.

On this date in 1876, Thomas A. Edison received a patent for his invention, the mimeograph. Copy that. If you're old enough to remember what that was, you might remember how the sheets smelled.

The FDA is warning that there could be some health risks with tattoo ink. Expect a disclaimer written on your lower back.

Dreamworks announced this week that they're planning to release "Madagascar 4" in May of 2018. Joe Biden asked, "Madagascar the continent, Madagascar the country, Madagascar the island or Madagascar the movie?" Meanwhile, 20the Century Fox/Dreamworks also announced more sequels, "The Croods," "Puss in Boots," "Captain Underpants" and "Hitman." Apparently that severe drought in Southern California also extends to original ideas.

New York's Museum of Natural History held an adult sleepover last week. It's rather sad that the only way to get Americans to go to a museum is to recreate Ben Stiller movies.

Buffalo is getting ready to host the National Scrabble Championship this weekend. I love Scrabble; it's the only game where someone will fight tooth and nail to convince you that Gloopaglottimus is a word.

And … NFL football is back! Last night it was the Patriots vs the Team Who Can't Be Named. It's been so long since I've seen American football, I couldn't figure out why the players were using their hands.
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 7 2014 8:10AM

Aloha Hawaii! "Birthplace of Obama (depending on whom you ask)!" They're set to get hit by two hurricanes starting today. Many hurricane parties have been cancelled due to hurricane. Poor Hawaii; they have a thousand words for "water" but not one word for "love."

Israel and Hamas are said to be at odds with one another over extending the current cease fire in Gaza. No kidding. Are we through the wormhole if they're actually fighting ABOUT fighting while not actually fighting but waiting to fight? I hear Saturday night's alright for it.*

The first senior leaders of Cambodia's Khmer Rouge to ever be punished have been sentenced to life in prison for crimes against humanity. Only took 35 years after their reign ended! Pol Pot murdered everyone he deemed smarter than himself, let's hope Joe Biden doesn't catch wind of that.

A North Carolina diner is offering a 15% off "Praying in Public" discount if customers give thanks to God before eating. Of course, if you're praying that your 'dine and dash' plan works successfully, sometimes God's answer is "You have the right to remain silent."

For the love. Lock your doors, people. Two homeowners in Ross Bridge awoke Wednesday morning to find their belongings missing. It's reverse-Christmas! Police say burglars entered the homes through unlocked doors. If I ever wake up to find a burglar in my house looking for valuables, I'll probably just get up and look WITH him.

Supporters yesterday held a mock funeral on the Edmund Pettis Bridge for portions recently struck out of the Voting Rights Act of 196fiiiiive YEAH. Wow! Fiiiive – yeah! WOW! Demon-warp is coming alive in 1965 - fiiive – fiiive! Gimme that, gimme that now! Gimme that, gimme that NOW! Gimme that, gimme that fiiiive – yeah! WOW!**

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1912, the Progressive Party nominated Theodore Roosevelt for president. Wow. I never knew soup had a political party. Oh, wait. That's Progresso. Nevermind.

A leading U.S. scientist says that aliens will be discovered within the next two decades or whenever you travel to Texas, Arizona or California. Whichever comes first.

Russian hacker-gangs claim they've stolen over 1 billion user names and passwords from U.S. internet accounts. I'm guessing if I can't remember 1 password, they can't remember 1 billion. Haha! Chumps!

Sharknado 2 is coming to movie theaters for one night later this month. That's good. Walking out of your house isn't as rewarding as walking out of a theater.

* It's a song, Mom and Da.
** It's a different song Mom and Da. It has nothing to do with the Voting Rights Act of 196fiiiiiiive YEAH! Wow! Fiiiiiiiive -- oh nevermind.
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by Lisa Mason posted Aug 6 2014 7:38AM
You wouldn't believe how brilliant today's news was going to be! Really; you wouldn't because you know me. I had the whole thing written and ready and then Word crashed. Not a big deal with the auto-recovery function, right? Well, if you click DELETE instead of the file you actually WANT then it's a different story. You're not missing much but a bunch of Bergdahl cracks and some stuff about Arby's.

I'm not concerned about Ebola getting out of Africa, I AM concerned about it getting into Atlanta though. Many Africans are complaining that the two American aid workers with Ebola were treated with experimental drugs that were not first offered to Africans with Ebola. Get in line, Africa! We ALL want untested drugs but not all of us live in Colorado or Washington. A West African child is the latest to be diagnosed with the deadly virus. Doctors told the boy, "You have Ebola." The child responded, "That's great! A bowl of what? I'm starving!"

Secretary of State John Kerry calls for fresh peace talks as Israel and Hamas meet in Cairo to talk peace. Wow. I'm gonna call for stuff that's already happening to happen.

First the Ebola crisis, and now this! Geologists say that the severe California drought could destabilize the San Andreas Fault, thereby causing horrific earthquakes. Plagues, droughts and earthquakes? Are there any virgins we could sacrifice?*

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1890, the electric chair was used in New York for the very first time on convicted killer William Kemmler. Needless to say, he was shocked.

Syracuse University has been voted the nation's top party school. Because blacking out is the new 'Orange'. They were going to receive a trophy, but no one was sober enough to accept it.

And … The official dictionary of the board game Scrabble has added 5,000 new words, most of them invented by Sarah Palin.

*Not in California
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by Lisa Mason posted Aug 5 2014 8:19AM
Bowing to international pressure, a binding truce has at last been agreed upon: the "Big Bang Theory" stars have agreed to go back to work in exchange for a great big bag of money.

This is odd: a cease fire that has actually seen firing cease. Israel is pulling out its ground troops while Hamas complains that the rest of the world is doing NOTHING about their situation in Gaza. Nonsense, Iran is doing a great job supplying them with weapons. Sorry, from this point on, I am observing a temporary cease-fire on Gaza jokes.

The second American aid worker infected with the deadly Ebola virus arrives in Atlanta today and residents concerned. It's OK! There are strict guidelines for transporting Ebola patients. First, identify the infected, then prep them for transport and place them on a Malaysian Airlines flight. Problem solved!

Alabama's new abortion law has been deemed unconstitutional. A bunch of old white men want doctors performing abortions to have hospital access to "ensure the safety of women." Um… aren't they doctors? If something goes wrong, there's a doctor right there. Why wait to be admitted to a hospital? Especially if that hospital is Brookwood because GOOODNESS it takes 3 hours just to get a mammogram there, I can't imagine an emergency situation. If Brookwood is involved, I'd rather take my chances with someone who's watched a few episodes of M*A*S*H.

New school food laws went into effect last month. Anything sugary, salty or fatty is banned even from bake sales. And it IS a law, so schools breaking that law will face penalties, unless they do what President Obama does regarding burdensome federal regulations ... just ignore the law. If they take all the sugary, salty and fatty foods out of public schools, gym class will turn into the Hunger Games.

And a few things you need to know …

It was on this date in 1620 that the Pilgrims left England, bound for the new world. It was just one day later that the phrase, "Are we there yet?" was born.

"Sharknado" star Tara Reid has launched a new fragrance line called "Shark". Just splash on a little and you'll feel like you can't act.

Turns out a blood clot is to blame for the death of Former American Idol contestant Michael Johns, I'd feel something about this if I remotely knew who he was.

A pro-marijuana activist claims responsibility for placing white flags on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. Everyone was shocked it wasn't France. Sorry Andrew B., it was all I had.

President Ronald Reagan's first White House press secretary, James Brady, who was shot along with Reagan by John Hinkley in 1981, has died at the age of 73. Although there will be no wake, his family is planning a Brady brunch.

And … In Sweden, a woman found IKEA bags with 80 skeletons inside. True to form, they were all unassembled.
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Location : AlabamaAtlantaGaza
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 4 2014 7:26AM

Atlanta is just ONE lab accident away from actually becoming the set of "Walking Dead." The CDC says having patients with the deadly ebola virus at Emory University Hospital is perfectly safe. Granted, this is the same CDC that apparently kept their smallpox samples behind the Pringles in the pantry instead of locking them up. The WHO is very concerned about the spread of the deadly virus, though I don't know why Roger Daltrey is involved with this.

It's an excuse for news anchors to quote Samuel Taylor Coleridge; Toledo's water is undrinkable due to toxins in Lake Eire. Toledo: the new Mexico.

This may have been a new record. Israel called for a 7 hour cease fire in Gaza, and then immediately shelled a beachside camp. Israel is condemning Secretary of State John Kerry for condemning their airstrikes, and now some conservatives are condemning the Obama administration for being pro-Hamas. Michelle Obama is unashamedly pro-Hummus.

Both houses of Congress are now on a 5-week vacation. Instead of going to Vegas to gamble, they're going to gamble and visit Gaza. If you hate the idea of not having Congress to gripe about for the next 5 weeks, you can always watch CSPAN's "Best of Gridlock" marathon.

And a few things you need to know…

The U.S. Coast Guard was founded on this date back in 1790. To their credit, not a single inch of our coast has ever been stolen.

On this date in 1926, the U.S. purchased the Virgin Islands, passing up a cheaper deal on the Floozy Islands.

They're trying to bring back the old game show, "To Tell The Truth." Obviously, no one from congress will be on it.

There's a new website called, that allows users to send anonymous emails to anyone, and it's already getting 10,000 posts a day! It's a free service but for $50 they won't eventually rat you out.

And … A Catholic priest in Poland, who recently performed an exorcism on a teenage girl, says that ever since, he's been receiving taunting texts from Satan. That's impressive! It's incredibly expensive to text from the 666 area code.
Filed Under :
Location : AtlantaGazaToledo
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 1 2014 8:07AM
Tensions are escalating to a breaking point despite international calls for peace and reason; Justin Bieber is making fun of Orlando Bloom on Instagram. Bloom took a swing at Bieber the other night almost punched him in the face, now Biebs is retaliating by acting like a 4 year old (which in his world is also known as "Thursdays"). The video of Legolas shoving Bieber and swinging at his face is making the internet rounds. With half the world at war and the other half getting ready to join in the war – Orlando Bloom has given us all a rare gift. Thanks, Orlando. You're still hot.

A three day cease fire is underway in Gaza, only 4 people killed so far during this one. I do not think "cease fire" means what they think it means but they're trying to move forward with the truce. Wow. While I was typing that last sentence the entire truce crumbled and they're back to fighting. One analyst I heard said "It's normal during a cease fire to test the other side's commitment to it." So it's normal to lob a few rockets around during a truce just to see if you get craphammered by an airstrike in return? That idea makes as much sense as a gloopiglottumus hydrangea-pig depository.

There's a devastating drought under way in Los Angeles. Today, the Department of Water and Power urged city residents to only fill their bongs with water on odd-numbered days. Right now, conditions in L.A. are drier than my own "comedy."

The TSA is offering a $5,000 reward for the best idea on how to speed up airport security lines. If you win, you'll get $1 a year for the next 5,000 years.

And a few things you need to know…

On this date in 1793, France became the first nation to switch to the metric system. You know the old saying, "Give 'em inch and they'll convert it to 2.54 centimeters."

I'm an idiot – I thought Sharknado 2 was the other night, then heard it was last night, but it was actually the other night. How sad is it that the NSA knows I have it on my DVR but I don't?

Production on "The Big Bang Theory" has been halted due to unproductive contract negotiations with cast members. The actors want to change the name of the show to "The Big Bucks Theory." Funny thing, actors; they'll hold out for more money to the point where they will lose the job all together.

And … "Game of Thrones" is adding 9 new characters to the show for the upcoming season. I'm guessing one of them will be Keith Urban because he already has a beard.
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Location : GazaL.a.Los Angeles
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