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Lisa Mason in the Morning


Lisa Mason's Morning News ((-19-13) Talk like a pirate day? Who speaks Somali?

by Lisa Mason posted Sep 19 2013 8:12AM
Today is International “Talk Like a Pirate” Day! Let me be the first to say “Huufarkarafkayga waxaa ka buuxa eels!” What? They didn’t specify what manner of pirate we are supposed to talk like so I’m going with Somali.
US installations worldwide are reviewing security protocols that allow access to contractors like Aaron Alexis, who was killed after Monday’s shooting spree at the Naval Yard.  Mental illness, alcoholism, video game addiction and erratic behavior yet no one saw any red flags? Really? This guy had enough red flags to open his own red flag shop. You could use his arrest record alone to warn of rough surf in Gulf Shores.
There was only one winner in last night’s Powerball drawing and it’s worth 400 million dollars. The winning ticket was purchased in Lexington, South Carolina – Hey! That’s where my uncle Marlowe Chandler Mason lives! He always buys Powerball tickets. Congrats dear sweet favorite Uncle Marlowe whom I've always loved best.
Russia, where horrible new laws banning homosexuality are in effect, has asked Cher to perform at next year's Winter Olympics. Because nothing keeps “the gays” away like a Cher concert.
Caroline Biden, the 26-year-old niece of Vice President Joe Biden, has been arrested for taking a swing at a cop during a domestic dispute in which she refused to pay her rent. Vice President Biden replied, "Caroline, I told you Democrat’s don't have to pay TAXES! Rent’s another story.”
The CEO of Starbucks says guns are no longer welcome in his stores, even in areas with "open carry" laws. This from a guy who doesn't consider it robbery to charge $7 for a cup of coffee?  Great, people with guns who've just been refused their morning jolt of caffeine. I don't think combining the shakes with high-powered weaponry will work out well. Besides, who needs a gun when you're already armed with a 180-degree cup of coffee?*  
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1957 the U.S. conducted it's first underground nuclear test. It was a bomb.  
This date back in 1849, the very first commercial laundry began in Oakland, California. It was also where the first laundry-dancing TV show was filmed, "Dancing with the Starch." (Wow. Pack a lunch. That was a long way to go).
On this date in 1883, New Zealand became the first country to give women the right to vote. This led to the slogan, "Yes, Kiwi Can!" 
Holy AARP, Batman! Adam West turns 85 today. These days, he's wearing control-top leotards and is a way better batman than Ben Affleck.
A woman is charged in an online hoax in which she stole the identity of former Denver Nuggets player Chris Andersen. The woman, who lives in Canada, has also been charged with impersonating Manti Te'o’s invisible girlfriend.
The publisher of Penthouse Magazine has filed for bankruptcy. Ironically, shareholders will be left with what the women wear in the magazine.**
A new study finds toddlers who begin talking early are more likely to develop a drinking problem later on in life. One of the big warning signs is when they ask for a bottle, "shaken, not stirred."
3.2-million Americans watched the season finale of "Here comes Honey Boo Boo" last week. The scary part – odds are you know at least one of them. 
Dairy farmers  warn that there could be a jump in the price of milk by the end of the year, forcing the price up to as much as $6 a gallon! In ironic news, a man has invented a car that runs on milk. The only upside to $6 milk by year’s end is the school bullies who steal other kid's milk money could retire by late spring.
Sweden's FDA has confirmed to horrified citizens that ooze from the rear-ends of beavers is used to add a vanilla flavor to cakes, ice creams and drinks, and has been for years. And you don't even want to know about Swedish meatballs!
Word on the street is that supermodel Kate Moss has agreed to pose for a spread in the 60th anniversary issue of Playboy. At least, that's the skinny. Hugh Hefner said he's delighted Moss consented to full-frontal nudity, because when she turns sideways, you can't see her.
And finally … Miley Cyrus and Hunger Games costumes are already trending for this year’s Halloween festivities. I’m mostly done with mine (mostly) but would really like to have the scariest costume ever. But how am I supposed to dress up as the economy?
*Unless it’s a gun that shoots coffee. Like an ESPRESSO rifle! Hahahaha! Get it? Instead of EXPRESS rifle? Hello? Where’d everyone go?

Filed Under :
09/19/2013 8:15AM
Lisa Mason's Morning News ((-19-13) Talk like a pirate day? Who speaks Somali?
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