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Lisa Mason in the Morning

 

Lisa Mason?s Morning News (8-28-13) Now with 100% more TWERK!

by Lisa Mason posted Aug 28 2013 8:08AM
Military strikes are imminent against Syria.  Hope we weren’t trying to surprise them with a strike, I don’t even have a news crew over there and I know the potential targets. Instead of cruise missiles, the “how to twerk” Youtube video will be uploaded to all Assad regime computers. That’ll shut them down for at least an hour.
 
Today marks the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr’s “I Have a Dream" speech. I also have a dream. I have a dream that someone will turn the AC off in my studio because it’s ridiculously cold in here. I’m wearing gloves just so I can type all this out. I have a dream that someone will turn on the heat. It’s not a dream as grand or as noble as Dr. King’s … but its’ mine.
 
Birmingham voters couldn’t be bothered to get out in force yesterday. I don’t want to say my polling place was deserted but I tripped over a tumbleweed. Oddly enough, the tumbleweed got to vote twice. As expected, the new district lines caused some problems. Hemp Hill Elementary serves three different districts, so several voters received the wrong ballots. Representative John Rogers was livid about the ballot mix-up, saying “It’s Lexus Cage. You got emissions that are 12 vole automatically. Floopa magloppagus when you get to the tekmar.”  
 
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are out with a new warning – about ticks. The CDC says avoid being bitten or you could get sick. Wow, is the CDC even trying anymore? They should have released a warning about twerks, not ticks. 
 
A California school district hires an outside company to monitor students online. Who knew the NSA did freelance work?
 
 
Government officials say they're still optimistic as numerous school systems are dumping the school lunch program First Lady Micelle Obama rolled out last year.  One district in New York says it lost $30,000 in 3 months because the kids didn’t like the taste of the Obamamazing ™ federal food and complained about tiny portions. Some students say they thought they’d have choices with the school lunches. They do: take it or leave it. That’s TWO choices!
 
Congratulations humanity. You have now conceived, organized and completed yet another World Gravy Wrestling Championship! Yes, no less than 1,500 people gathered in Lancashire, England to watch each other roll around in gravy. And you wonder why British food is historically bad? It’s flavored with people. It’s like Soylent Feet.
 
A measles-like virus has killed hundreds of dolphins off the Mid-Atlantic coast. At least they weren’t murdered. Environmentalists feared the dolphins were being killed on porpoise
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
On this date in 1609, Henry Hudson discovers Delaware Bay. Ironically, on the same day, Henry Delaware discovered the Hudson Bay.  
 
In 1974 on this date, "Chinatown" opened in theaters. Ironically, on the same day a movie called "Theaters" opened up in Chinatown. 
 
Tomorrow is the national fast food workers strike. They’re wanting $15 an hour to get your order wrong, treat you rudely and forget your fires.  For $15 an hour we could just import French people.
 
A New Hampshire man who posted YouTube videos about his marijuana-growing operation enters a guilty plea, because officers ID’d him because his face and nametag were clearly visible, reflected in a shiny surface as he was filming the weed videos. He’ll REALLY have time to reflect now!
 
The arrest problem in the NFL has risen to epidemic proportions. Nowadays, the term "moving up in the draft," means swapping a guy who gets out of jail in a year for a guy who gets out of jail in six months.  
 
The VMA fallout is getting ridiculous. Some people are going as far as saying Miley Cyrus's career may be over after her twerk filled performance   Sunday night. Which would be crazy, this is the most anyone’s talked about Miley in years! Miley asked her dad, Billy Ray Cyrus, "They can't really kick me out of show business, can they?"  Billy Ray replied, "I'm probably not the best guy to answer that question.”
 
#ABCreports became a trending topic on Twitter yesterday after ABC   posted that Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon had passed away. I was genuinely upset to learn that Neil Armstrong passed away … again. ABC blamed the face-palm worthy post on a computer glitch. We can put a man on the moon but we can’t spellcheck? I bet we know how to twerk.
 
And … A 26-year-old golfer is dead after he jumped into a pond and was eaten by a giant crocodile. You know the economy is bad when even people who can afford golf courses risk death trying to retrieve their errant balls. The man's last words were, "It was a Titleist!"
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08/28/2013 8:09AM
Lisa Mason’s Morning News (8-28-13) Now with 100% more TWERK!
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08/28/2013 5:45PM
Moon
Yeah, but we haven't put anyone else back on the moon in over FORTY FRAKKING YEARS!!!
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