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Lisa Mason in the Morning

 

Lisa Mason's Morning News (8-30-13) So are we off Monday or not?

by Lisa Mason posted Aug 30 2013 8:11AM
The US is going to have to go it alone in Syria. The UK voted not to get involved, France says never mind and Israel says they’re not involved. Suddenly the US is lonelier than a Bama fan at Toomer’s Corner.  Anyone who wants to see military action in Syria will just have to watch it on YouTube because the military there has been in action for the last two years.
 
Former Birmingham Mayor Larry Langford, wanting out of prison for health reasons, has hope after former Jeffco Commissioner Chris McNair was released on compassionate grounds. McNair was jailed in 2011 on public corruption charges related to the sewer system and was released yesterday because he’s old, sick and his wife is also ill.  Hans Lipschis is 93, he’s a former Waffen-SS member who worked at Auschwitz. People are actually calling for his release because he’s old and sick. Now, I’m not advocating we immediately start hanging people over sewer corruption *  but all this teaches us is that if we’re going to do something illegal – do it later in life so you won’t have to serve the time and people will feel sorry for you.
 
Thursday's March to commemorate the anniversary of the "I Have a Dream" speech included special entrances for "ticketed guests" who paid $132-per-person. Vendors bowed their heads and sang, "We Shall Overcharge." 
 
There’s a new addition near Birmingham’s Regions Field. A sinkhole opened up yesterday on 3rd Avenue South and 16th street south. The tiny-looking hole is, in truth, 12 feet deep. The plan to repair it involves filling the hole with $100 bills then paving over it.
 
Only three cases of West Nile Virus reported in Alabama thus far, even though the mosquitoes are swarming. I was only outside for a few minutes yesterday and got bitten so many times a blind guy tried to read my arm. Honestly, it's quicker to identify the three spots on my body that don't itch. At least the mosquitoes are leaving good reviews on Yelp saying “Alabamians are tasty and we’d totally eat here again.” Only good thing about mosquitoes? If you’re dying to slap someone, just be sure to first yell “mosquito!”    
 
The smog problem in Hong Kong has become so bad that it's no longer fit for tourist pictures. In order to fix this problem, officials there erected a giant banner displaying what the skyline looks like on a rare clear day. Tourists are encouraged to snap their photos in front of the banner, that way they can convince friends back home that Hong Kong is a beautiful, clean city. Since when did the Jefferson County Commission start working in Hong Kong?
 
 And a few things you need to know…
 
On this date in 30 BC, Egypt's Queen Cleopatra committed suicide. I'm a little rusty on my ancient history but I believe she killed herself because Marc Anthony left her for J-Lo.
 
On this day in 1797, author Mary Shelley was born. She wrote "Frankenstein," but he never wrote her back.
 
Billionaire Warren Buffett turns 83 today. Happy birthday, Grandpa Warren! (I'm going to keep at that until he believes me.)
 
The NCAA football season officially starts Saturday with the Chick-fil-A Kickoff Classic. Yup, Chick-fil-A, nothing screams heterosexuality like 22-sweaty guys trying to tackle each other. Even though Saturday is the “official” start, seven games were played yesterday. That’s 28 quarters of sorely missed action! Although I think 28-quarters are all it takes to make your kids disappear for about an hour at Chuck- e-Cheese.
 
83-year-old Clint Eastwood has separated from his wife of 17-years.  Apparently, Dina is leaving Clint for a younger man. That leaves the door open to just about anybody.
 
Everyone wants a slice of Miley pie. Adding his voice to the “outraged people getting free press” club we have the man who invented the Foam Finger. He says Miley “took an honorable icon and degraded it.” It’s a foam finger people take to sporting events, not the lost treasure of the Sierra Madre! Someone thinks a lot of his little invention. And the guy is poised to make a mint off Miley since flesh-toned bikinis and foam fingers will be a trending costume choice this Halloween. He should send her a fruit basket.
 
And … Conjoined twin boys who were successfully separated during an operation in Dallas last month continue recovering. That's great but you have to wonder what this does to the sideshow industry. All the Siamese Twins get separated, the Bearded Woman has a laser hair removal sponsorship, tattooed ladies aren't special because they're EVERYWHERE, and even the Fat Man is skinnier than the average American. A “freak show” in America these days is a family that owns their own house, 20-somethings who've paid off their student loans and a guy who believes his kids will be better off than he was.
 
Have a lovely holiday weekend! Remember, extra patrols are on the roads so don’t do anything too stupid behind the wheel and stay away from anyone who is. But don’t look suspicious about it. Be careful but don’t’ LOOK like you’re being careful. Just ... drive casual or something.~LM
 
*Or am I?
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08/30/2013 8:15AM
Lisa Mason's Morning News (8-30-13) So are we off Monday or not?
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08/30/2013 9:18AM
Clint is available?
So is Catherine Zeta-Jones!
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