President Obama will tonight preempt your shows to talk about retaliatory air strikes for a great atrocity. Finally he’s going to do something about Benghazi! Oh no wait… he’s talking about Syria again. Russia has concocted a plan in which Syria will avoid US airstrikes if they turn over their stockpiles of chemical weapons to international control. Can I get a show of hands from everyone who believes Syria will actually disarm? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? China is on board with Russia’s plan to disarm Syria. An hour later, they’ll be on board with it again. President Obama says “See? Diplomacy works after all!” Hard to see that red line when it’s swept under the carpet. Now that Syria has been warned to disarm, the countdown is on till we warn them again.
Top supermodels are calling for more diversity in their ranks. Ridiculous! Modeling has probably been one of the most diverse groups in history, as long as you aren’t fat or old. In what other industry can you find a black woman, a couple of blondes with nothing but consonants in their names and a woman from a county on it’s second government in two weeks all fighting over one curling iron?
Think your phone is the latest and greatest? It won’t be for very much longer because Apple is unveiling TWO new iPhones today. The more expensive model is rumored to have a fingerprint scanner on it for added security. Problem is, that scanner will work whether your finger is still attached to your hand or not.
Guess what is trying to make a comeback? Landlines. Kids, a LANDLINE is a phone that’s linked to your house, all you do on it is talk. Some developers are trying to make landlines cool again by adding Bluetooth-powered link-to-cell function and front door camera links. One nice thing about landlines -- they can't be used to track your whereabouts like your cell phone. Well, technically they can but it’s not as easy as cells make it. I can just imagine some poor NSA guy scratching his head unknowingly listening to my landline, "I can't figure it out! Lisa hasn't left that building for over 10 years!"
Because it’s been quiet for ten minutes … Trayvon Martin shooter George Zimmerman was taken into custody yesterday on a domestic violence charge. They warned his wife not to walk around the house wearing a bathrobe with a hoodie! Shellie Zimmerman first said George was threatening her father with a gun, then changed her story. Turns out it wasn’t a gun, it was a pretzel burger. Seriously, if the Zimmermans spent as much time in the gym as they do in the headlines they’d look like Kardashians by now. Meanwhile, the Reverend Al Sharpton is denying that he ever said he hopes someone shoots and kills George Zimmerman. Sharpton said he'd rather have George commit suicide after murdering Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh.
Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea with dictator Kim Jong Un. Rodman says, “me and him are gonna write a book.” Let’s hope Kim took an English class because Dennis didn’t.
Warning! Rant alert! The memorial statue of the four little girls killed in the 1963 bombing of the 16th
Street Baptist Church will be unveiled this weekend, part of Birmingham’s “Empowerment Week.” Did you know there was a FIFTH child in the church that day? Sarah Collins Rudolph was in the bathroom with her sister and her friends when the bomb exploded. She suffered injuries and was blinded in one eye. There are still shards of glass in her body, put there by a KKK bomb … and Ms Rudolph has been largely forgotten by the city that holds it’s civil rights museum as a main tourist stop. Ms. Rudolph refused the Congressional Gold Medal awarded to the four little girls, she says she wants help with her medical expenses. Perhaps there’s more to the story but by ignoring the survivor of the church bombing, Birmingham isn’t setting the shining example it believes it is. To me, it says if you are killed in the battle for rights, you are a celebrated martyr for the cause. If you survive and go on to do great things, you are coveted (even if you’re later indicted). BUT … If you survive and work blue collar jobs then you’re not important.. When Mayor William Bell told her there was no compensation for her injuries, she was promised an invite to some of the Empowerment Week festivities. Sorry for being a downer, I just wonder why so very few people knew there were “five little girls.” And yes, the best article about this case … is from the UK.
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1608, John Smith was named as the new president of the Jamestown colony in Virginia. (He also signed into the local motel 16 times that same night).
On this date in 1954, the Miss America pageant appeared on TV for the very first time. That was back in the days when they didn't ask questions about foreign policy.
On this date in 1953, Swanson sold it's first frozen TV dinner. I’m almost positive it’s still in my parents’ freezer.*
Madonna's ex, Guy Ritchie, turns 45 today. Ask him what his greatest accomplishment is, and he'd probably tell you becoming Madonna's ex.
If you missed it, Serena Williams won the U.S. Open. In other news, the sun came up again today.
Miley Cyrus continues her desperate bid to maintain relevancy. She appeared on a German TV show where she was spanking a twerking dwarf. It's on YouTube if you care. Also, Miley sings nude in her new video. She figured it would be the fastest way to keep people talking about her. But after this, what’s left? No, don’t answer that.
You can now be buried in a coffin with a stereo system that costs $30,000. I'm thinking I'd rather have a really nice high def TV. I'll get the same use out of it.
Tim Teabow looked good at the game on Sunday. Dressed well, good seats. He must have known someone in order to score seats on row 21!
*Sorry Mom and Da.