by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 31 2014 8:26AM
“It’s the Night that the Lights Went Out in Gaza." Power remains offline for whoever is left in Gaza. Some Israeli officials are accusing the U.S. of favoring Hamas in our news coverage. Another official labeled Secretary of State John Kerry's cease-fire proposal "a strategic terrorist attack against Israel." Hopefully, Israel can defend itself against this U.S. strategic terrorist attack with their U.S. funded Iron Dome defense system. Officials say Chinese hackers have stolen the schematics for that same missile shield. Mideast observers say this could "level the playing field" between Israel and Gaza. In a related story, Israeli forces just leveled a playing field IN Gaza.
Remember the mysterious giant hole that appeared in Siberia last week? Two MORE giant holes have appeared there as well. I get the feeling someone is turning the Earth into a bowling ball. It’s either that or Morlocks.
A Malaysia Airlines flight at Australia’s Adelaide airport was forced to abort takeoff in midair due to a near miss. Wow, MA can’t even buy good press these days! I’m starting to wonder if their main base is built on an old Indian burial ground, or maybe they ran over a Gypsy.
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1498, Christopher Columbus discovered the island of Trinidad. Where is Trinidad? Just to the left of Trinimom.
Sarah Palin now has her own subscription TV channel. I've already ordered not to get it for two full years.
Actor Orlando Bloom has done what all sane, civilized men wish to do; he threw a punch at Justin Bieber. Bieber is like the little brother you never had the chance to repeatedly beat the crap out of.
A new health study says that fist bumps spread 90% fewer germs than handshakes. No kidding. I don’t mean to sound OCD, but I do worry excessively about the 1% of germs my hand sanitizer doesn’t kill. “Kills 99% of germs!” What’s the deal with the last 1%? Is it some super-strain that could mutate into a hybrid-vectorlike strain that kills half our population? Why can’t it be killed? And what happens if the 1% Germ gets into the animal population? We could end up with Fluasaurus! Half dinosaur, half flu virus! Wait – somebody get Sy-Fy on the phone and we’ll pitch the idea. We are one lab accident away from a new cult movie hit!*
And while we’re on the topic … it WASN’T last night. I can’t read a TV schedule. "Sharknado 2," about an F5 tornado filled with sharks, hits the Sy-Fy Channel tonight. This took me totally by surprise because I didn't see anything about it in James Spann’s 5-day forecast. Word is the third "Sharknado" film is set for a Christmas release. It's called, "Shark the Herald Angels Sing."
*Sy-FY producers, call my agent!**
**By “agent” I mean “my cell number.”***
***Because I don’t have an agent. UNLESS having one would land me a part in Moth-apus in which case I’ll go GET an agent.
by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 30 2014 8:12AM
Another day of rockets and shelling in Gaza. How anything is left standing I’ve no idea. I’m starting to feel bad for the window cleaners over there. Israel has been warning civilians in Gaza to evacuate areas where Hamas has weapons stored or tunnels dug, by dropping numerous leaflets. Today, Hamas accused Israel of both murder and littering. Meanwhile, the UN is asking the Israelis if the incursion into Gaza has reached a tipping point. The Israelis concede that if tipping becomes compulsory, they'll consider a permanent cease-fire. I was just talking to my lovely coworker Ericka Wood when it was announced Israel hsa agreed to a 4 hour humanitarian cease-fire. At the time of the announcement it was 8am CDT. We have a bet that rockets will start flying within an hour and 17 minutes.
Heavy fighting in eastern Ukraine prevented an international team of inspectors from reaching the wreckage of Malaysian Fight 17 which was shot down by a missile last week. Poor CNN. Now they FINALLY know where a downed Malaysian aircraft is, and they STILL can't get to it! Meanwhile, President Obama is attempting to step up sanctions against Russia. Vlad Putin’s just sending him straight to voicemail.
Birmingham is increasing its efforts to clinch the 2016 Democratic National Convention throwing a LOT of money at it. The city will spend $250,000 to hire a team of consultants* to organize and promote the city's bid AND will guarantee $5 million in cash to the DNC event if Birmingham wins its bid. City on the Move! Enjoy your potholes and busted sidewalks while the DNC officials are steered away from your neighborhood since its turning into Thunderdome.
Democrats in Congress said they'd consider cutting some of the pork out of the budget if Republicans would consider replacing it with tofu.
AL Sharpton says he’s opening an office in Birmingham. Is it too late to convince Israel that the Palestinians are hiding rockets on that site?
A Connecticut man was arrested after he shot his girlfriend's pet turtle to death with a BB gun. The girlfriend says that ever since the traumatic incident, she's been a shell of her former self.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1956, "In God We Trust" became our country's official slogan. Before that it was, "Who do we trust?"
The creator of that TV show about hoarding was the featured guest at a Major League Baseball game this week. Sadly, the man was ejected after he just couldn't bring himself to throw out the first pitch.
Expect Twitter to explode tonight; Sharknado 2 premieres tonight on the Sy-Fy channel! If you think Sharknado is ridiculous; it’s not HALF as weird as stuff that happens in Florida on any given day. I loved the original but all the NEW “bandwagon” fans complaining about spoilers should have frst read the books like the rest of us.** And I’d like to give props to the Sy-Fy channel crew working on a documentary up in Jasper. You guys are running out of time to invite me to your Sharknado 2 viewing party. Just saying...
And here’s some leftovers from yesterday that didn’t post because one must hit the “publish” button in order to, you know, actually publish the blog.
On this date in 1588, the English defeated the Spanish Armada. The battle began when the English asked "What's an Armada?" and the Spanish replied, "Nothing. What's an Armada with you?"
It sounds made up, but many KKK branches are now recruiting black people to help them combat an influx of illegal immigrants into the U.S. How about an all-black KKK branch? You could call them the Tuskkkegee Men. Wow, poor turn of phrase since the KKK isn’t known for working well when branches were involved.
Colorado officials are reporting a growing population of homeless kids who have fled to Colorado to take advantage of their legalized pot laws. The kids say they heard about legalized weed in Colorado from young Central American drug dealers who snuck into the U.S. to take advantage of our lenient immigration laws.
And … Hillary Clinton still won't confirm if she's running for president, but women's advocacy groups say a Hillary victory in 2016 would be the achievement of the American Dream---taking your husband's old job and turning him into the First Lady.
*To whom are THESE “consultants” related?
**This is really for the GoT bandwagon fans.
by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 28 2014 7:21AM
The UN is calling for another cease fire in the Gaza Strip. Given that the last three cease fires resulted in rocket attacks and airstrikes within a few hours … maybe we shouldn’t call for any more cease fires? Israel and Hamas are supposed to leave each other alone today as it’s Eid al Fatyr, the celebration marking the end of Ramadan. They are calling the truce so everyone can get together and hit the after-Ramadan sales.
Congress is leaving on a five-week recess this week. They’ll accomplish every bit as much as they do when they’re technically working.
Dallas Cowboys linebacker and former Tide star Rolando McClain has been convicted of resisting arrest and disorderly conduct in Decatur. The 18-day jail term that could foil McClain’s efforts to restart his career. Oh his career is going fine, his career in crime, that is.
An initiative for marijuana legalization has made it on to the November ballot in Oregon. The trick now, of course, is getting weed supporters to remember to vote. "Oh, wow! The election was last week? Bummer dude.” The Oregon Ducks football team is opposing the vote; they don’t want to replace their designer uniforms with hemp necklaces and Grateful Dead t-shirts.
A McDonald's worker in Pennsylvania has been arrested for selling crack cocaine at work. The employee tried to convince cops that he didn’t use cocaine, he just liked the way it smelled.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1900, the hamburger was invented. Up until then, there was nothing to like fries with. There were some who didn’t relish the idea but, in time, would ketchup to it.
Justin Bieber was spotted riding around in a wheelchair at Disneyland so he could cut to the front of the lines. SO tacky! Most already thought Justin Bieber was going to hell in a hand basket. Now he's using the wheelchair ramp.
Some Guy (I forgot to write down his fancy foreign name) just won the Tour de France. Yawn. I know nothing about bike races so to me, the Tour de France is slightly less interesting than watching Google Maps. I DO know you can win it if you start blood doping early enough.
Mark Zuckerberg is claiming that the average Facebook user spends 40 minutes a day on the site. You could probably spend more if it weren't for that pesky day job.
And … A new poll shows that Darth Vader is more popular than all of the potential 2016 presidential candidates. He was also the most popular choice among the voters on Alderaan until he blew it up.
by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 25 2014 7:48AM
YES! The Internet is back, and with it, some highly questionable news.
Secretary of State John Kerry says he’s drafted a truce proposal for the Gaza Strip and Hamas immediately declared “A Day of Rage.” I sort of know how they feel; Kerry’s voice grates on my nerves too. AND the fact his hair looks like that bad wig the main guy wore in the “Reanimator” movie. So if today is the Day of Rage, what was yesterday? The Day of Major Annoyance? The Day of Pretty Darn Ticked Off? Ugh. Why can’t we just declare a Day of Napping and all chill out?
The FAA has lifted the ban on flights to Israel, saying that it's now safe to visit the land of rocket attacks. Former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg flew El Al to Israel Tuesday to protest the temporary flight ban. Now, if we can only ban Israeli flights to the U.S., we can keep him there. Even though a rocket landed near the airport in Tel Aviv, Hamas rockets never seem to hit their intended targets. Seriously, Hamas is 0 for 192,937 from the 3 point range. Apparently, in Gaza, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to be a rocket scientist.
A congressman who flew to Central America on a "fact-finding" mission and NEVER ONCE left his hotel, says he found no evidence of the so-called dangerous conditions causing Central American children to flee to America. In a related story, the congressman also said he found no evidence of brutal Central American gang murders in the backseat of his stretch limo.
Breaking news---The U.N. Security Council is in an emergency session to try to broker a cease-fire between General Motors customers and their car dealerships.
House and Senate Republicans this week called President Obama's border policies a "total failure." And when you're a member of a Congress with single digit approval ratings, you're absolutely qualified to testify as experts on failure.
I’m so excited Alabama may house some of the children who flooded illegally across the border. I have numerous friends who are opposed to deporting them – well you get your wish! I expect those of you who express such empathy for these lone kids to have a welcoming hug ready, to bring them a treat, a blankie, a stuffed bear. They will need school come August so, I beg you to let me know how often you drive them to school and the doctor. I’m being non-sarcastically honest. Here is your golden opportunity to put your money where your Twitter Mouth is. If something matters this much to you; it shouldn’t take much effort to take care of these kids you don’t want sent home. I’m betting most will simply update statuses complaining about the people who don’t want the children in the state instead of taking any useful action. Please prove me wrong. For science.*
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1946, the U.S. conducted their first underwater atomic test. The toughest part was, of course, getting the fuse to stay lit.
Former quarterback Tim Tebow says he's still in training waiting for the chance to go back to the NFL. Michael Sam suggested, "Have you considered saying you’re gay?
Sleep experts say that a lack of sleep can put "false memories" in a person's brain. I'm pretty sure my dog told me that before. No really – I remember her saying something about it.
Duran Duran is suing the president of their official fan club for $40,000, which they say is their share of membership dues she collected. Police have issued an all points bulletin for the fan club president. They say her name is Rio, and she under-finances in the sand.
And ... A Brazilian soccer player who changed his citizenship in order to play for Ukraine is now regretting it. That's because 34-year-old Edmar was just drafted to fight in the Ukrainian army! This guy’s gonna be useless on the battlefield; any shelling anywhere NEAR him and he’ll flop over like he's been shot.
by Lisa Mason
posted Jul 24 2014 7:57AM
Welcome to the latest installment of Moveageddon. I’m headed home today to sit and wait for the Internet Guy who never called even though we had an appointment. I just want my Wi-Fi, baby, why you gotta be like that? I swear; if he ditches me again I’ll be forced to sit by the phone and wait for him some more. He’ll call. I know he will. He wouldn’t leave me like this.
Yesterday, not having Wi-Fi and not knowing how to work the TV, I did what everyone does on a beautiful summer day when they’re bored; went to wash my hair. I turn on the faucet aaaaaand … nothing. Seriously? The water’s been on for four days and now it’s suddenly cut off? I haven’t even had a chance not to pay a bill! So I call our Friendly Birmingham Water Works and Sewer Board for a swift fix to the situation.
I made it to the “there are 4 calls ahead of you” announcement when they disconnected my call. I call back, and get “there are 20 calls ahead of you.” Yayness!
Long story long, the lady informed me I had never transferred service. Yes, I did. Last week. It took 5 calls. I even have a fax confirmation, call log and another representative’s name to prove it.
Turns out The Man who set up the change of service “is not now nor has ever been employed by the BWWSB.” What? Was he some crazed lunatic who just ran into the BWWSB offices and started answering calls like a madman? It’s like dealing with some shadowy agency like Specter or, more appropriately, Hydra. Hail Hydra!
Long story even longer, I’m waiting on Mr. Water to come turn my water back on but really honestly wanted to take a bath so I fill the tub with bottled water like a Kardashian. I never thought I’d be jealous of all those people in Sochi, Russia who had to bathe in tainted water. Sure they couldn’t get it in their eyes due to risk of blindness, but at least they had the OPTION and it didn’t cost about $80 at Costco.
Naturally, Mr. Water is running late so I cracked open another bottle of H20 and did a deep conditioner treatment. It’s what Uma Thurman would do. (Actually, Uma would have personally visited the Water Works and gone Kill Bill on them … or she would have just taken her precious fax confirmations and call logs and said, “Yes, I’m home all day. Please send Mr. Water over to turn my service back on”). Because that’s all you can do when you’re dealing with a Bond villain-level entity of evil; play along.
On the bright side; my hair DOES look lovely when washed with half a case of Smart Water. Hey! Maybe the Smart Water will make me smart enough to move out of the Water Works service area! Problem is, I used all the water in the tub and have none left to drink. Good thing I’ve seen every episode of Man vs Wild!
Anyway, I DID have some actual news written but I’ve used up far too much valuable internet space with this wall of text. The only semi-giggle-worthy lines involved Biden at the NAACP meeting and Camilla’s oat bucket. You’re really not missing anything. Now excuse me, I feel it in my heart that Internet Guy will come and install my precious Wi-Fi. He’ll call. You wait and see.