Lisa Mason's Morning News (9-12-13) A lot of talk about fake eggs.
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 12 2013 7:53AM
Russia’s Vladimir “Captain Diplomacy” Putin says a US military strike on Syria would result in widespread unrest and increased terrorism. And he should know since Russia’s farther up in Syria’s business than a tapeworm in a tourist. When the US threatened to bomb Syria, Putin was all, “Dang! You up in the Kool-Aid and you don’t even know the flavor” * because he knew we’d eventually discover how much money Syria owes him.** With a hastily-called meeting about the matter today in Geneva, options are being discussed on what to do with Syria’s chemical arsenal. Since North Korea just restarted the plutonium reactor they’re not even supposed to have, what say we send the chemical weapons there? All at once? Hey wait a minute – THAT’S what Dennis Rodman was doing in the DPRK! The Reactor START switch was too high up for Kim Jong Un to reach.
Miley Cyrus went to the store today and bought some groceries. Sorry, but everything she does these days is so bizarre that when she does something normal, it's news! After seeing her new video, do we need to hold some kind of telethon to get her some clothing?
Football season heats up with allegations that five Southeastern Conference football players, including former Alabama All-American tackle D.J. Fluker, allegedly received impermissible benefits while they were still playing in college. If the NCAA would go after the Benghazi culprits like they do SEC players, we’d get more done around here.
JeffCo Family Court will be busy today. At least 9 students were arrested after a fight at Jackson-Olin High School in Ensley. Feuding groups from Ensley and Pratt City are said to be involved. I have no doubt the fight erupted over a debate concerning Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle or the study of Non-Euclidian Geometry.
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1874, the Remington typewriter went on sale. Kids, a TYPEWRITER was a device that used the keyboard on your phone and with a ribbon and paper, would create "paper texts."
Richard Gatling was born on this date in 1818. He’s famous for inventing a gun that delivered shots faster than a bartender at the Quest.
It was this day back in 1954, the TV show "Lassie" made its debut. Up until that time, Timmy had never fallen down a well. Talk about good timing!
Today is the final day of New York Fashion Week. Which means the supermodels can start eating in 3…2…
Apple's IOS 7 comes out September 18. I still don’t get what the big deal is about the fingerprint scanner on the new iPhone. All it’ll do is give the NSA a new database to collect. ***
The 4th installment in the “Jurassic Park" movie series will be called "Jurassic World." Once more, they will bring extinct dinosaurs back to life. You know, like the White House has done with liberals who want to bomb things.
And finally … Artificial eggs created from plants went on sale at Whole Foods in California yesterday. I believe they were created by free range scientists. This is no yoke! On the bright side if you want to make an omelet, you DON'T have to break some eggs! The synthetic eggs were created partially with funding from Bill Gates. The fake eggs are easy to prepare. You take them out of the freezer, and then hit CTRL+ALT+DEL.
*May or may not be an actual quote form Vladimir Putin
***They already have one