by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 2 2014 8:00AM
The US wants to bomb ISIS in Syria – but instead we hit Al Shaabab in Somolia. That's Apple Maps for ya. Meanwhile, President Obama says calls to bomb ISIS targets are "putting the cart before the horse." And if anybody knows about carts, it's a guy who golfs as much as the President.
Fox 6 and Direct TV can't get along, so Direct TV customers no longer watch Fox 6*. Whaaaaat?! No Judge Judy tonight?! I'm not ashamed to admit I love Judge Judy – we're a lot alike (except I don't have a law degree, a TV show or hundreds of millions of dollars).
An 88-year-old transvestite-Republican is running for Congress in San Diego. I'm not sure about his platform, but I his platform shoes are to die for.
Singer CeeLo Green will do a little probation after pleading no contest to charges that he slipped a woman ecstasy without her consent in 2012. Green THEN took to Twitter to let us know he feels that "it's not rape if a person is unconscious." By that standard … if someone knocks CeeLo out and beats the heck out of him with a baseball bat it's not assault? We should test THAT theory.
It looks like it is finally calming down; ice buckets are being put away and our friends no longer look like they've been kicked out of a wet t-shirt contest. The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge generated more than $100 million in donations in a single month. Now let's see you do it in February.
And a few things you need to know …
In 1981, the United States officially recognized Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia. Wait. I thought those were Kardashians?
On this date in 1789, the U.S. Treasury was created. They're the ones who are in charge of the money our government doesn't have.
People are complaining that Hershey's new corporate logo depicting a streamlined Hershey's Kiss looks just like the emoji "poop" symbol. Hershey's claims their new logo looks nothing like poop, but they do admit it floats in a swimming pool.
Some hacker leaked a ton of nude celebrity photos over the weekend. Best way to keep nude pictures of yourself off the internet? Don't keep them on your computer or your phone. At lease we know we'll never see nude pictures of Lois Lerner.**
The city of Clay must today defend its decision to ban Pit Bulls. Turns out the ordinance passed last year might be unconstitutional. Center Point, Irondale, and Gardendale also have ordinances banning or restricting pit bulls, but not the type of person that is traditionally attracted to pit bull ownership. Which is why I won't patronize those areas. Judging from the comment section online (where faith in humanity goes to die), the ONLY problem facing the city of Clay is bands of uncontrolled Pit Bulls hell-bent on murder and mayhem. Glad they've solved all their other problems and have extra coin to spend on court costs. I get it: every dog is different just like the delicate and diverse citizens of Clay who are forced to live in unspeakable terror because Pit Bulls exist. Some Pit Bulls are jerks, like a lot of your coworkers, but arbitrarily classifying that and similar breeds under a "vicious dog ordinance" is just ignorant. Hera Mason isn't a Pit Bull BUT she'd be considered dangerous in Clay because of her breed. She would rather lick your face than eat your face. Me, however … you have more to worry about from me than you do my dog. Hera even put a sign on her door saying "Beware of Human."
Wow. Didn't mean to get ranty about Clay. Now excuse me while I go ask Two Men and a Truck about some missing items and money from my move…
*So you can't at present be told to text while driving to work by some skirt.
by Lisa Mason
posted Aug 29 2014 7:49AM
Vineyard owners are still tabulating the cost of a powerful 6.0 earthquake in Northern California that destroyed thousands of bottles of precious wines. Well, that's why I buy my wine in boxes. Can we start a Box Wine challenge instead of the ice bucket thing?
You’d think this would be crossing a “red line” of some kind, but an independent U.N. commission states there's evidence that the Syrian military used chlorine gas on its own people at least eight times in April. Syrian President Bashar al-Assad dismissed the charge claiming he only used chlorine so his enemies could get their white flags their absolute whitest.
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is claiming victory in the latest war in Gaza, affirming that Gaza must become a "demilitarized zone." Well, if you can do a touchdown dance in the end zone, why not in a demilitarized zone? Now that they've demilitarized Gaza, maybe we can work on demilitarizing Missouri police departments. Meanwhile, Hamas is ALSO claiming victory in Gaza. Thousands killed, massive damage … all of these people have a strange concept of “victory.”
For the SECOND time this week a flight had to be diverted due to a fight over legroom. A flight from Miami to Paris diverted to Boston because a 61-year-old Frenchman had a come apart when the passenger in front of him reclined their seat. I get it – tall people get royally screwed on airplanes. But YOU guys are the ones who can actually SEE at concerts. We short people end up having to contort like goblins just to peer around you guys. So it evens out.
John Lennon's killer, Mark David Chapman, has been denied parole for the 8th time. The surviving Beatles complained he didn’t get Yoko instead.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1977, three people were arrested in Memphis for plotting to dig up the body of Elvis Presley. What some people won't do to avoid paying the admission fee at Graceland.
Author William Friedkin turns 75. He wrote "The Exorcist." Never knew what possessed him to do that but he really makes heads turn.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married in France last weekend. They had to: football has started and no one will miss a game to attend your wedding.
I'm worried about that new Elvis Presley hologram they’re making, because Elvis was made an honorary federal AND an honorary police officer. What if the Elvis hologram shoots the Michael Jackson and Tupac holograms? It could start a hologram race war, and we really don't need that.
Archaeologists in Northern England found a 2,000-year old Roman toilet seat and say they're also expecting to find the toilet itself. Here's hoping they get to the bottom of it and lift the lid on this mystery.
Turns out prosecutors violated the constitutional rights of Kody Brown and his four wives, the stars of the reality TV show "Sister Wives," by conducting a years-long investigation into their marriage. Brown is also accused of leaving the toilet seat up four times as much as the average husband. He’s also four times more wrong than the average husband.
A panda in China is believed to have faked a pregnancy in order to get special treatment. Pregnant pandas at the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding get special treatment like private rooms and extra food, and it’s believed this panda mimicked the symptoms of pregnancy in order to get the perks. Umm… why did no one check? I’m worried that these researchers are taking pandas at their word. But this crafty panda does give me a great idea on how to get an extended paid vacation from work … can I borrow your baby?
by Lisa Mason
posted Aug 28 2014 7:02AM
No news today, it's 7:05 AM and I'm already ready for a nap. The only times I'm NOT sleepy are when I'm in bed, supposed to be asleep.
by Lisa Mason
posted Aug 27 2014 8:11AM
Odd happenings in the wake of that earthquake. Napa Valley residents are back at work, encouraging tourists to come, the gas leaks are fixed and power is coming back. Yep. Normalcy. Nobody waited for FEMA to do it for them and no one was caught looting. Granted, how does one go about looting in Napa Valley? “Standish, smash that window and grab that magnum of Cabernet Sauvignon! Wait – check to see if it’s the 2010 by Raymond Generations first. I don’t want the Chateau Montelena. Oh. It IS the Montelena? *Sigh* I suppose it’ll have to do.”
White House officials are swearing the U.S. paid no ransom to Syria to win the release of American reporter Peter Theo Curtis. This has most of us saying, "I wonder how much ransom money the White House paid Syria?"
Burger king says moving their HQ to Canada will save them millions of dollars. Saving money? Can we move the Federal Government there?
Prince says he'll release 2-albums next fall. No wonder the Old Farmer's Almanac had Purple Rain in the long-range forecast.
That young homeless man who accepted the Video of the Year Award for Miley Cyrus at the VMA's Sunday night is wanted by Oregon police on an old warrant. Great, so he found a place to stay! I love happy endings!
Matt Damon took the Ice bucket challenge with water from his toilet, raising awareness for the millions with neither clean drinking water nor acceptable sewer facilities. Great – he’s taking the Hepatitis C challenge.
This charity awareness is getting out of hand. There’s a breast cancer challenge going on where you are shamed into posting an embarrassing status update to support the cause or whatever. I’m sorry* but the online peer pressure, humiliation and physical discomfort “for charity” is getting old. Every charity wants the same viral action as ALS, so we’re flooded with new weird stunts. “I’m raising awareness for the Humane Society by stapling this napkin to my face!” What’s next? “I’m raising awareness for ovarian cancer by tying a motorcycle to a tree branch and riding it like a swing.”
And … It’s a first world problem; some customers are upset that Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Lattes don't contain pumpkin. It DOES contain the equivalent of you having to do 45 minutes on the elliptical though.
by Lisa Mason
posted Aug 26 2014 8:29AM
I couldn’t find any picture that somehow related to any story here, so have a cute bat.
Did you watch any of the Emmy’s last night? I believe they’re just about done with acceptance speeches. In honour of “Breaking Bad” most of the actors showed up high on meth. Call me when they start handing out awards for Best Original Tweet about Someone Else’s Screenplay because I think I’ve got it.
Sunday’s 6.0 earthquake is considered California's biggest disaster since the Oakland Raiders. Meanwhile, Doomsday Sayers claim California will be plagued with floods, earthquakes and droughts as punishment until we stop doing that Ice Bucket Challenge. All the cable news stations are showing video of winemakers sweeping up thousands of broken bottles. Nobody has seen that many jagged shards since breakfast with Courtney Love.
The US is prepping airstrikes on ISIS targets in Syria. Syria says that sounds like an act of war … against Syria. How long till the Nobel Peace Prize people call and tell Obama they want their award back?
The Birmingham City Council only has a day left to act before hundreds of city retirees see their health insurance costs skyrocket. Sorry guys! Can’t help you on the insurance thing, we got ourselves an Empowerment Festival to plan and need to take those DNC reps to Hot and Hot.
A Tennessee high school senior was suspended from school for saying, "bless you" after someone sneezed. That's pretty bad, but in Iraq you get beheaded for that.
Critics are saying that President Obama is spending too much on the golf course during these trying times. His caddy says that’s absolutely untrue. Just because the Golf Channel is going to get the exclusive on all his future press conferences doesn’t mean a thing.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 55 BC, Roman forces under Julius Caesar invaded Britain. You thought the Beatles were the first British Invasion -- guess again!
On this date in 1920, the 19th Amendment was passed, giving women the right to vote. Finally we could share the blame!
The network FXX is now showing every "Simpson's" show ever. That's all 552 wacky "Simpson's" episodes … except for the one where O.J. chopped up those people.
Not to cause a panic or anything BUT we’re exactly four months from hitting the after-Christmas sales. Monday’s Labor Day so those Christmas decorations should be up in stores in 3 … 2… 1.
And … here’s two stories I had on the show this morning for your consideration.
It was a real Sit Storm. A United Airlines flight from Newark to Denver was diverted after 2 passengers got into a fight over a Knee Defender. The Knee Defender is a passive-aggressive gadget that prevents the person in front of you from reclining. The incident escalated when a woman went to recline her seat, only to find it blocked by the man behind her and his Knee Defender. A flight attendant told him to remove the gadget, he refused so the woman threw a drink in his face. The plane diverted to Chicago, dropped off the idiots, then flew on to Denver an hour and a half late. If two goofs make me late because of their attitude one of them BETTER end up in cuffs. Both passengers are 48 years old. Grow up. Flying is bad enough without turning it into the Hunger Games.
The next story for debate is the South Carolina high school freshman who was arrested then suspended. Know what his terroristic crime was? A writing assignment in which he tells a story about shooting his neighbor’s pet dinosaur.
The creative writing assignment so horrified teachers they immediately called 911, the kid was searched and hauled away. Cops say he was arrested because he became disorderly when confronted by teachers. Well heck who wouldn’t be gobsmacked and ticked off? “Lisa, we’ve called the police because you used the word ‘gun’ while writing your news.” WHAAAAAAT?
Hey - Can I have the teacher who made me read Of Mice and Men arrested? There was a gun in that. This is beyond absurd; they can’t take real guns away from us so now you can’t even say the word without fear of the complainy-pants-police. Given the state of education in many areas, it’s a miracle the kid could even spell “gun.”