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Lisa Mason in the Morning

 

Lisa Mason's Morning News (9-18-13) Now with killer clowns

by Lisa Mason posted Sep 18 2013 7:57AM

Happy birthday to the US Air Force, you don’t look a day over 66. I love pilots – especially the ones who stay in the middle of the air. Some of my friends say the main thing they learned in the Air Force is that it only takes five years to go from rumor to standard operating procedure.
 
AAA is predicting that gasoline will stay above $3 a gallon for at least the next 1,000 days. Way to go out on those skinny branches, guys.
 
University of Alabama President Dr. Judy Bonner says the school will not tolerate discrimination of any kind. Allegations of racism arose after at least two black girls were not offered bids from sororities. It is 2013 people! EVERYONE should have the opportunity to be excluded from a group for silly reasons!
 
George Washington Carver Memorial Gardens Cemetery has some explaining to do. Visitors report the management and staff are missing and that the phone is disconnected. Residents don’t report knowing the difference.
 
Brazil’s president snubs President Obama. There was to be a state dinner in DC but when NSA leaks revealed that the US had been spying on Brazil, their leader refused to attend. Even after it was explained we were only spying on their beach volleyball teams.
  
The Jefferson County Commission manages to pass a budget. A portion will fund technology upgrades as some departments haven’t received a tech upgrade in the last ten years. No wonder the DMV is so slow; the employees still have to waste time by playing ColecoVision, instead of playing with their phones like every other department.
 
A retired farmer in Ethiopia claims he's 160 years old. That’s encouraging for Americans who can't afford to retire until they're 160. Well, the seasons DO move faster in Farmville, so it’s likely this guy just got confused.
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
On this date in 1759, the French surrendered Quebec to the British. And a fine French tradition was continued.
 
This very day back in 1769, the very first piano was built in the United States. It was made of New Hampshire wood, Pennsylvania wire and Florida Keys. Up until that time, all you could do is tuna fish.
 
On this date in 1793, George Washington laid the cornerstone of the U.S. Capitol building with help from one of his neighbor kids, little Johnny McCain.
 
A mystery joker is terrorizing residents of Northampton, UK by wandering the streets dressed as a clown and leering at passers-by. Now there’s a fetish you don’t usually get to act on. The man’s clown costume appears to be an uncanny recreation of Tim Curry’s character Pennywise from 1990 Stephen King horror ‘It’. Oddly enough, lurking while dressed as a creepy clown isn’t illegal … hitting him in the head with an ax, however, is.*
 
NPR has announced they're cutting their workforce by 10%. In a related story on "All Things Considered," they’re considering voting Republican.
 
People are buzzing about the announced “Walking Dead” spinoff. What’s the plot? I’m going with a gay friendly theme, “My Two Undeads.” Or maybe a cop drama, “Walkers, Texas Rangers?” 
 
The new drama "Sleepy Hollow" is a big ratings winner. It debuted as the top show among the coveted 18-49 demo that's interested in the 1749 demo.
 
Just in time for National Dog Week next week, the American Kennel Club has announced that the most popular pooch in the U.S. is the Labrador Retriever for the 22nd consecutive year! Several Border Collies were arrested for reprogramming the online survey parameters. "Bully" breeds have pawed their way up in the poll with the Staffordshire Terrier moving up in rank from 91 to 76. We think my dog, Hera Mason, is a Staffie. We KNOW she’s part Velociraptor and also part bear-trap … but that shouldn’t put anyone off adopting one. 
 
Bill Gates is once again the world's richest man, bumping telecom mogul Carlos Slim down after 6-years on top. Slim said he blames all his financial losses on his Microsoft equipment constantly freezing up.
 
The Wizard of Oz is celebrating its 70th anniversary. Today if Dorothy bumped into men with no brains, no courage and no hearts, she'd be in DC!  You know Michelle Obama thinks the Witch wouldn’t be so wicked if she’d just drink more water. 
 
And finally... some say the Colorado floods, the fires in California and the fact that the US is getting shown up by Russia are signs of the coming Armageddon. If you don’t believe doomsday is coming then believe this: everyone seems to want Snookie to win Dancing with the Stars. Seriously, numerous people believe the flooding in Colorado is "punishment from God" for the state legalizing marijuana.  Then why isn't God also flooding Washington State? Is He a Seahawks fan? 
 
*Darnit.    
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09/18/2013 8:00AM
Lisa Mason's Morning News (9-18-13) Now with killer clowns
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09/18/2013 11:40AM
Piano
That sound is a collective groan....tuna fish! grrr.
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