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Lisa Mason's Morning News (9-25-13) What DOES the fox say?

by Lisa Mason posted Sep 25 2013 8:13AM
Has Ted Cruz stopped talking yet? The Texas Tea Party senator has been yapping on teh senate floor since yesterday to protest Obamacare. Obamacare, if you didn’t know, goes into effect next week even though many details remain unclear. Small details like “how’s this work?” And, “how does this affect me?” One point HAS been clarified. Obamacare will be funded by the same people who funded Reagancare.* Cruz was actually born in Canada; Donald Trump is demanding to see his birth certificate.
 
Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta  says the Nairobi mall siege is over. Several terrorists are dead, 11 more in custody. Hey, how come their president gets to have the country’s name as his last name? That would be like Barak Americabama. Get this: one of the attackers in the deadly siege pleaded for forgiveness after a four-year-old British boy called him "a very bad man." The Al-Shaabab member reportedly told the boy, "please forgive me, we are not monsters," gave him a chocolate bar and let him go free. Sadly this is the modern equivalent of that old Coke ad with Mean Joe Green.
 
Birmingham’s City Council approves open container districts, that means people can walk around with drinks in areas like Lakeview, 5 Points South, and the new Entertainment District. Oh people already drink outside in those areas; now they just don’t have to hide it in paper bags.
 
President Obama yesterday addressed the U.N. General Assembly, or as Joe Biden calls it, the "un-assembly." Iran’s new president, Hassan Rouhani skipped a chance to meet with Obama because alcohol was being served at the luncheon. This is why Biden won’t be asked again to organize a beer summit. It’s certainly been quiet at the UN now that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is no longer running Iran. What do you think Ahmadinejad is up to these days anyway? Checking out Redbox? Taking his Member’s Only jacket to the cleaners?
 
After devastating floods shut down Colorado and claimed the lives of ten people, organizers handed out free marijuana on Boulder's Pearl Street Mall to help "stressed out recreational users" that may have lost their stashes to flooding.  If we donate money to Colorado flood relief, are we buying weed?
 
Alabama Coastal officials are investigating after a massive package of cocaine washed ashore. Two couples walking along the beach in Gulf Shores stumbled across more than two pounds of cocaine that was wrapped in plastic bags. The one pound was surrendered to officials patrolling the coast, who then turned that half bound over to a different department. Orange Beach Drug Task Force head Sgt Dave Frankendave says the 4 ounces of blow was destroyed before any could go missing.
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
On this date in 1926, Henry Ford announced the 5-day work week. So he's the one to blame for not making it four days.
 
In 1513, Balboa discovered the Pacific Ocean. When you discover anything that big, is it really a big deal? It's not like the next person that came along wouldn't have seen it.
 
Mark Hamill, yep, Luke Skywalker, turns 62 today.  Luke, if your Light Saber won't turn off after four hours, see a doctor.
 
Mick Jagger's 21-year-old granddaughter is pregnant. Next year he'll become a great-grandfather! Time is no longer on Mick's side, although he does have some liver spots in the shape of a clock.
 
Thanks to the Discovery Channel we now know that plants have a way of signaling danger to each other. To be honest, when I weeded the garden last week I could have sworn it was talking about me.
 
Former Vice-President Dick Cheney was on an antelope hunt in Wyoming Saturday when his gun jammed. I guess it was fortunate for the antelope, several of them were attorneys.
 
The person who won that $400-million Powerball jackpot last week has asked to remain anonymous. Now I'm CONVINCED it's a relative. 
 
Scientists in California have discovered a rare species of legless lizards. Aren’t those called “snakes?” 
 
Kevin Federline is upset with Britney Spears' plan to have their 8-year-old son  appear with her onstage in Las Vegas  saying, "Our kid is no circus monkey." I've always thought of K-Fed and Britney as the circus monkeys. Here’s a Polish proverb to get you through the rest of the day “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
 
A retired homicide detective says he’s solved the case of Jack the Ripper. I see a bright future for him uncovering the Benghazi culprits ... in 11 more years. Trevor Marriott says that after 11 years of investigation, he believes German merchant sailor Carl Feigenbaum committed the murders. Everyone from Vincent Van Gough to minor royals have been thought to be Jack.  Before you get excited, they “discover the identity of Jack the Ripper” every year about this time. It’s Ripper season. The only way this mystery will ever be solved is if someone gets Mr. Peabody's Wayback Machine, and catches the perp red-handed. Most of Mr. Marriott’s research seems to center around the fact that Jack the Ripper and Carl Feigenbaum were never seen in the same room together. People have been put on death row in Texas for less evidence than this. Granted it IS Texas so …
 
And … Bama fans in Tuscaloosa are the real winners of the Tide’s victory over Texas A&M. Tomorrow you can get free waffles and coffee thanks to a wager between two companies that supply Waffle House. Their batter is made in Texas, their coffee is made here. The wager was that the losing team has to foot the bill for waffles and coffee tomorrow in the winning team’s town. Now if only Johnny Manziel was waiting tables … guess he can’t afford the pay cut.   Wait. There’s BETTING on college sports? I’m SHOCKED!
 
*You.
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09/25/2013 8:15AM
Lisa Mason's Morning News (9-25-13) What DOES the fox say?
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