Lisa Mason's Morning News (9-4-13) Hope that airstrike isn't supposed to be a su
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 4 2013 7:51AM
In order to add an element of excitement, I’m going to attempt to write this morning's news without a shark cage!
Ariel Castro, the Cleveland Kidnapper, has been found dead in his prison cell. An apparent suicide by hanging. Three women survived nearly a decade in captivity in Castro’s home, yet he couldn’t survive 33 days in the lock up? Apparently he only liked it when OTHER people were held against their will. Castro was serving a sentence of life plus 1000 years. Now that the life portion of his sentence is complete, he’s working on that 1000 years.
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad just opened his “save the date” airstrike e-card. Congress could vote today to authorize an attack in retaliation for the use of chemical weapons by the Assad regime. Some people are calling President Obama's Syrian strategy "wishy-washy." Although, today Secretary of State John Kerry said while it may be wishy, it certainly isn't washy. Wait … he HAS a strategy?
Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea, hangin' with his pal, Kim Jong-Un. Rodman says he’s mainly over there to help the dictator get stuff off the top shelf.
John Holladay, head football coach of Walker High School has resigned due to last Friday’s on field fight with Cullman’s defensive coordinator. The two “grown men” were seen exchanging words before the fight erupted. We can only assume someone said something about someone’s mamma. Holladay already has a new job offer. The National Hockey League wants him, as fighting is not only allowed in hockey but it is encouraged.
The popular yogurt brand Chobani is voluntarily recalling thousands of containers of Greek yogurt because the cups are bloating and can sometimes explode. So, if you already have bulging containers of Chobani yogurt in your refrigerator at home, you better toss them out before you toss them up. Wow, exploding yogurt containers. I guess the fruit is no longer satisfied with being on the bottom.
If these two parties can come together, there’s hope for certain Alabama High School coaches. Time Warner Cable and CBS have come to an agreement that will bring CBS programming back to Time Warner for the first time in over a month. If you're a Time Warner subscriber, you should call the customer service number to ask to have your bill lowered for all the shows you missed. That is, if you want to hear several minutes of uncontrollable laughter. Now that CBS is back on cable, Plans have been canceled for the new TV show, "How I met your Dish Satellite Guy."
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1609, Navigator Henry Hudson discovered Manhattan. He was on a roll. It was the day after he discovered Mojito!
On this date in In 1781, Los Angeles was founded by Spanish settlers. Back then, L.A. was a city of people who carried guns and -- well I guess not much has changed.
They've cast the starring roles for "50 Shades of Grey" and Charlie Hunnam has been selected to play Christian Grey. Did they even consider Ben Affleck?
Along with legalized pot, Colorado now has talking urinal cakes that warn against drunk driving. So Colorado officials don't think men will listen to health experts about drinking and driving, but they do feel certain they'll take the advice of a talking urinal cake. What are people smoking in Colorado? Oh yeah, I forgot. Talk about Big Brother! The NSA already listens in on our phone calls, now the DOT listens to us go potty. You've gotta love a country where many high school seniors can't compose a coherent, declarative sentence, but the urinal cakes can.
On Saturday, two 13-foot alligators, each weighing over 720 pounds, were caught in The Mississippi River. No wonder that slacker Diana Nyad was swimming from Cuba to Florida. It’s safer.
Eighteen-year olds headed off to college for the first time this fall were mostly born in 1995 -- the year Yahoo was founded -- and have never known life without the internet. Remember when your school librarian taught you how to look up stuff on microfilm and she told you you’d need to know how to do that in real life? She was a lying liar! If you think this new crop of students has it easier than you because they never had to rush to the bookstore to buy Cliff Notes in order to fake a term paper … you’re right. Cliff Notes are online now and it’s a free download.
And … Burger King has introduced a "French Fry Burger." It’s a hamburger with the fries in it, so you don't have to waste valuable feeding time reaching into a separate bag.
Filed Under :
Ariel Castro, Bashar al-Assad, Ben Affleck, Charlie Hunnam, Dennis Rodman, Diana Nyad, Henry Hudson, John Holladay, John Kerry, Kim Jong-Un, Lisa Mason, Obama