Posts from August 2013
by Lisa Mason
posted Aug 30 2013 8:11AM
The US is going to have to go it alone in Syria. The UK voted not to get involved, France says never mind and Israel says they’re not involved. Suddenly the US is lonelier than a Bama fan at Toomer’s Corner. Anyone who wants to see military action in Syria will just have to watch it on YouTube because the military there has been in action for the last two years.
Former Birmingham Mayor Larry Langford, wanting out of prison for health reasons, has hope after former Jeffco Commissioner Chris McNair was released on compassionate grounds. McNair was jailed in 2011 on public corruption charges related to the sewer system and was released yesterday because he’s old, sick and his wife is also ill. Hans Lipschis is 93, he’s a former Waffen-SS member who worked at Auschwitz. People are actually calling for his release because he’s old and sick. Now, I’m not advocating we immediately start hanging people over sewer corruption * but all this teaches us is that if we’re going to do something illegal – do it later in life so you won’t have to serve the time and people will feel sorry for you.
Thursday's March to commemorate the anniversary of the "I Have a Dream" speech included special entrances for "ticketed guests" who paid $132-per-person. Vendors bowed their heads and sang, "We Shall Overcharge."
There’s a new addition near Birmingham’s Regions Field. A sinkhole opened up yesterday on 3rd Avenue South and 16th street south. The tiny-looking hole is, in truth, 12 feet deep. The plan to repair it involves filling the hole with $100 bills then paving over it.
Only three cases of West Nile Virus reported in Alabama thus far, even though the mosquitoes are swarming. I was only outside for a few minutes yesterday and got bitten so many times a blind guy tried to read my arm. Honestly, it's quicker to identify the three spots on my body that don't itch. At least the mosquitoes are leaving good reviews on Yelp saying “Alabamians are tasty and we’d totally eat here again.” Only good thing about mosquitoes? If you’re dying to slap someone, just be sure to first yell “mosquito!”
The smog problem in Hong Kong has become so bad that it's no longer fit for tourist pictures. In order to fix this problem, officials there erected a giant banner displaying what the skyline looks like on a rare clear day. Tourists are encouraged to snap their photos in front of the banner, that way they can convince friends back home that Hong Kong is a beautiful, clean city. Since when did the Jefferson County Commission start working in Hong Kong?
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 30 BC, Egypt's Queen Cleopatra committed suicide. I'm a little rusty on my ancient history but I believe she killed herself because Marc Anthony left her for J-Lo.
On this day in 1797, author Mary Shelley was born. She wrote "Frankenstein," but he never wrote her back.
Billionaire Warren Buffett turns 83 today. Happy birthday, Grandpa Warren! (I'm going to keep at that until he believes me.)
The NCAA football season officially starts Saturday with the Chick-fil-A Kickoff Classic. Yup, Chick-fil-A, nothing screams heterosexuality like 22-sweaty guys trying to tackle each other. Even though Saturday is the “official” start, seven games were played yesterday. That’s 28 quarters of sorely missed action! Although I think 28-quarters are all it takes to make your kids disappear for about an hour at Chuck- e-Cheese.
83-year-old Clint Eastwood has separated from his wife of 17-years. Apparently, Dina is leaving Clint for a younger man. That leaves the door open to just about anybody.
Everyone wants a slice of Miley pie. Adding his voice to the “outraged people getting free press” club we have the man who invented the Foam Finger. He says Miley “took an honorable icon and degraded it.” It’s a foam finger people take to sporting events, not the lost treasure of the Sierra Madre! Someone thinks a lot of his little invention. And the guy is poised to make a mint off Miley since flesh-toned bikinis and foam fingers will be a trending costume choice this Halloween. He should send her a fruit basket.
And … Conjoined twin boys who were successfully separated during an operation in Dallas last month continue recovering. That's great but you have to wonder what this does to the sideshow industry. All the Siamese Twins get separated, the Bearded Woman has a laser hair removal sponsorship, tattooed ladies aren't special because they're EVERYWHERE, and even the Fat Man is skinnier than the average American. A “freak show” in America these days is a family that owns their own house, 20-somethings who've paid off their student loans and a guy who believes his kids will be better off than he was.
Have a lovely holiday weekend! Remember, extra patrols are on the roads so don’t do anything too stupid behind the wheel and stay away from anyone who is. But don’t look suspicious about it. Be careful but don’t’ LOOK like you’re being careful. Just ... drive casual or something.~LM
*Or am I?
by Lisa Mason
posted Aug 29 2013 8:15AM
Iran says any strikes against Syria will result in an attack on Israel. Israel woke up suddenly, saying “Who with the what now?” It’s that feeling you get in a staff meeting and the Big Boss asks you about the QC reports that you have nothing to do with and weren’t even talking about. Meanwhile, President Obama says he’s not sure about a US strike but Joe Biden says he is convinced the Assad regime gassed it’s own people. His exact words were “I know what you did this summer.” Over in France, their president says he’s ready to punish Syria. How? With a really strongly-worded surrender letter?
Pope Francis said this week he's been disturbed by images of "terrible atrocities" in the world. I didn't even realize the Pope watched the VMA's.
George “tons of fun” Zimmerman won’t go to jail for anything. But his wife is on probation. Shellie Zimmerman pleaded guilty yesterday to lying in court about their finances. Zimmerman says her marriage with George is now strained. Much like the waistbands on their pants.
A U of A sorority offered some extra incentives to it’s members who voted on Tuesday; free drinks and a limo ride to the polls. Wow – limos and drinks from Chi O? We’ve come a long way from a sandwich and a bus ride!
Cue the Jefferson’s theme song. A $30 million apartment and retail project across from Railroad Park in Birmingham has the green light to start the development . All this celebrated “growth” and there’s not a single proper grocery store DOWN FREAKING TOWN. Help me, Publix. You’re my only hope.
There were huge parties in Washington D.C. yesterday to commemorate the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech. I'm pretty sure they weren't catered by Paula Deen even with her acquittal.
Fast food workers are striking in 35 cities today, demanding more money. Please, they eat free at work so they already get high cholesterol, and diabetes free – what more do they want?
Here’s a timely repair. The San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge is closed for 5-days to replace a section that was damaged way back during the1989 earthquake. Pat Robertson says it's God's punishment because the bridge goes both ways.
And a few things you need to know…
In 1896, the American dish "Chop Suey" was served for the very first time to the visiting Chinese ambassador in New York. He was so delighted, he promised that one day, an American will come over to his country and win eight gold medals in the Olympics.
On this date in 1977, three people were arrested in Memphis for plotting to dig up the body of Elvis Presley. What some people won't do to avoid paying the admission fee at Graceland.
Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are separating after 13-years of marriage. It's the classic love story. Old man meets young girl. Old man falls in love with and marries young girl. Old man blames young girl's lady parts for giving him throat cancer. Young girl takes old man for half of everything he's worth.
While vacationing in the Bahamas, Justin Bieber swam with sharks. Don't worry; none of the sharks were harmed.
The historic parking garage where Washington Post investigative reporter Bob Woodward secretly met with Watergate whistleblower Deep Throat is facing demolition, even though some people want it preserved. However, by "it", I'm not sure if those people mean the parking garage or the Washington Post.
Birthday today? You share it with Robin Leach, Mr. "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous." He turns 72 today. He's got a new show called, "Lifestyles of Somebody and I can't remember who."
Also, author William Friedkin turns 74 today. He wrote "The Exorcist." Don’t know what possessed him to do that.
by Lisa Mason
posted Aug 28 2013 8:08AM
Military strikes are imminent against Syria. Hope we weren’t trying to surprise them with a strike, I don’t even have a news crew over there and I know the potential targets. Instead of cruise missiles, the “how to twerk” Youtube video will be uploaded to all Assad regime computers. That’ll shut them down for at least an hour.
Today marks the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr’s “I Have a Dream" speech. I also have a dream. I have a dream that someone will turn the AC off in my studio because it’s ridiculously cold in here. I’m wearing gloves just so I can type all this out. I have a dream that someone will turn on the heat. It’s not a dream as grand or as noble as Dr. King’s … but its’ mine.
Birmingham voters couldn’t be bothered to get out in force yesterday. I don’t want to say my polling place was deserted but I tripped over a tumbleweed. Oddly enough, the tumbleweed got to vote twice. As expected, the new district lines caused some problems. Hemp Hill Elementary serves three different districts, so several voters received the wrong ballots. Representative John Rogers was livid about the ballot mix-up, saying “It’s Lexus Cage. You got emissions that are 12 vole automatically. Floopa magloppagus when you get to the tekmar.”
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are out with a new warning – about ticks. The CDC says avoid being bitten or you could get sick. Wow, is the CDC even trying anymore? They should have released a warning about twerks, not ticks.
A California school district hires an outside company to monitor students online. Who knew the NSA did freelance work?
Government officials say they're still optimistic as numerous school systems are dumping the school lunch program First Lady Micelle Obama rolled out last year. One district in New York says it lost $30,000 in 3 months because the kids didn’t like the taste of the Obamamazing ™ federal food and complained about tiny portions. Some students say they thought they’d have choices with the school lunches. They do: take it or leave it. That’s TWO choices!
Congratulations humanity. You have now conceived, organized and completed yet another World Gravy Wrestling Championship! Yes, no less than 1,500 people gathered in Lancashire, England to watch each other roll around in gravy. And you wonder why British food is historically bad? It’s flavored with people. It’s like Soylent Feet.
A measles-like virus has killed hundreds of dolphins off the Mid-Atlantic coast. At least they weren’t murdered. Environmentalists feared the dolphins were being killed on porpoise
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1609, Henry Hudson discovers Delaware Bay. Ironically, on the same day, Henry Delaware discovered the Hudson Bay.
In 1974 on this date, "Chinatown" opened in theaters. Ironically, on the same day a movie called "Theaters" opened up in Chinatown.
Tomorrow is the national fast food workers strike. They’re wanting $15 an hour to get your order wrong, treat you rudely and forget your fires. For $15 an hour we could just import French people.
A New Hampshire man who posted YouTube videos about his marijuana-growing operation enters a guilty plea, because officers ID’d him because his face and nametag were clearly visible, reflected in a shiny surface as he was filming the weed videos. He’ll REALLY have time to reflect now!
The arrest problem in the NFL has risen to epidemic proportions. Nowadays, the term "moving up in the draft," means swapping a guy who gets out of jail in a year for a guy who gets out of jail in six months.
The VMA fallout is getting ridiculous. Some people are going as far as saying Miley Cyrus's career may be over after her twerk filled performance Sunday night. Which would be crazy, this is the most anyone’s talked about Miley in years! Miley asked her dad, Billy Ray Cyrus, "They can't really kick me out of show business, can they?" Billy Ray replied, "I'm probably not the best guy to answer that question.”
#ABCreports became a trending topic on Twitter yesterday after ABC posted that Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon had passed away. I was genuinely upset to learn that Neil Armstrong passed away … again. ABC blamed the face-palm worthy post on a computer glitch. We can put a man on the moon but we can’t spellcheck? I bet we know how to twerk.
And … A 26-year-old golfer is dead after he jumped into a pond and was eaten by a giant crocodile. You know the economy is bad when even people who can afford golf courses risk death trying to retrieve their errant balls. The man's last words were, "It was a Titleist!"
Filed Under :
Assad, Billy Ray, Billy Ray Cyrus, Henry Delaware, Henry Hudson, John Rogers, Lisa Mason, Martin Luther King Jr, Micelle Obama, Miley Cyrus, Neil Armstrong
by Lisa Mason
posted Aug 27 2013 8:09AM
After viewing the horrific video footage of mass atrocities, President Obama says he's seen enough, there’s proof the red line has been crossed. He's finally decided to take action to stop Miley Cyrus. President Obama is now backing away from his “red line” speech, saying the use of chemical weapons on citizens would not provoke a fight with the US but instead would “change his equation” on Syria. In other words: we ALL “misheard” him. Either that or the president is pretty bad at math. Secretary of State John Kerry says there’s zero doubt Syria used chemical weapons on it’s own people but President Bashar al-Assad blamed the dog.
The massive blaze called the "Rim Fire" remains partially contained in Northern California. Small patches are burning, but Miley Cyrus says she's taking penicillin and she should be okay in no time. The Rim Fire has now forced hundreds of residents to flee their homes. Or as citizens in Syria call that, “Tuesday.”
Birmingham and Tuscaloosa get hit by a VOTENADO today! Amid chants of “Two men enter, one man leaves” the election cage match is heating up. In the Ham, the critical School Board race has dozens of candidates strangely believe they have the Right Stuff to fix Birmingham schools. The shenanigans of the Board last year we so ridiculous, someone came out with a Birmingham School Board action figure – it talks and talks and you cannot get it to shut up. Hey, at least we have school busses so we’re one up on Hoover! Also being elected today, a Mayor and numerous City Council reps. Remember candidates, if at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried. You’ll fit right in. Polls are open till 7PM. Go! Vote! Vote often!
More than 360 dogs have been rescued in the 2nd largest dog fighting bust in U.S. history. Lee County had the largest number of rescued dogs. What’s Michael Vick doing in Auburn? You’d think he’d be busy.
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1907, UPS was born in Seattle, Washington. My neighbors think I’m having an affair with the UPS man because he’s at my house as much as I am.
The Green Bay Packers were created on this date back in… some year I just accidentally deleted. Up until that time, people in Wisconsin thought you stayed inside during the winter.
On this date in 1942, Cuba declared war on Germany, Japan and Italy. To which Germany, Japan and Italy replied, "Who declared what on where?”
EVERYBODY’S ready for some football.. and the new female ref in the NFL is drawing a bit of fire for being a bit too much of a feminist. How many penalties for too many men on the field can she call in one game?
A Texas man who claims to be a member of the "Pastafarian" religion has won the right to appear in his driver's license photo wearing a spaghetti strainer on his head. I say we toss the guy's head up against the wall and see if it sticks.
And … Can you believe 10.1 million people watched Sunday night's MTV Video Music Awards? More would have watched if MTV actually played music videos. Ratings were up 66% from last year. I think there may be a "6" missing there. Honestly, the worst part about the Miley Cyrus performance? You’ll never be able to go to a football game and look at a foam finger again without wondering where it's been.
by Lisa Mason
posted Aug 26 2013 8:50AM
The 15th annual Sidewalk Film Festival wrapped up last night in Downtown Birmingham. Record crowds attended. You know how many independent filmmakers it takes to screw in a light bulb? None, we’ll fix it in post.
Shots were fired this morning at UN weapons inspectors in Syria. The Assad regime was warned not to shoot at UN personnel again or the UN would write them a strongly worded letter about it. Asked when he'd be convinced that Syria crossed the red line by using chemical weapons on its own citizens, President Obama said, "Probably about the same time I admit that there’s a coup in Egypt or to sneaking pizza for dinner when Michelle isn’t around.”
The raging wildfire that covers over 200 square miles near California's Yosemite National Park is called the "Rim Fire." Taco Bell is suing for theft of intellectual property.
A computer problem on the Nasdaq exchange shut down trading for 3-hours Thursday afternoon. China called it a successful test-run. Actually, we now know the Nasdaq glitch is being described as a "computer error." Instead of correctly quoting stock prices, for 3-hours, all traders received were Tweets of Anthony Weiner's junk.
Chelsea-Bradley Manning, wants to undergo a sex change operation while s/he's in prison and he wants the U.S. taxpayer to foot the bill. Oh, I've got a foot for you, Manning. Let me put on my ass kicking pumps.
In Chester, New Jersey, a farmer has cut the faces of Republican Gov. Chris Christie and his Democratic challenger into a corn maze to highlight the state's gubernatorial election. Stony Hill Farm owner Dale Davis said he chose the maze to get people interested in the election. Chrisie was the most interested as instead of a tractor to mow the images into the corn, Christie was allowed to eat out the design.
Votenado strikes Birmingham, Tuscaloosa and Mobile tomorrow. Here in the Ham, we can elect a new mayor, city council and school board OR decide things are A-OK and reelect the same people. Remember, elections are a way to decide which side is strongest without resorting to a fist fight. Petitions are already circulating to start cage matches for the next round of elections because we need a new school board beyond Thunderdome.
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1907, Magician Harry Houdini escaped from a 75-pound ball-and-chain while underwater in 57 seconds. The divorce from the ball-and-chain was later finalized in court.
It was this day back in 1920, the 19th amendment to the constitution was passed, giving women the right to vote. Finally, men had someone to share the blame.
On this date in 55 BC, Roman forces invaded England. At that time, no one had even heard of the group Roman Forces and they took the country by storm. It was a lot like One Direction.
A lot of people are upset over rumors that Ben Affleck has been chosen to play "Batman" in the next sequel. Talk about a potential disaster. Instead of a mask, Affleck might as well wear a dead bird on his head.
San Diego Mayor Bob Filner stepped down Friday after 18-women came forward to accuse him of sexual harassment. Herman Cain said it's sad because Filner got only two/thirds of the way through his 9-9-9 plan.
And… Auburn university has been voted number one by Yahoo as the best college for tailgating. Southern California is the lone university on the list not from the SEC, they check in at second place in front of Alabama, LSU and Ole Miss. Wow, Ole Miss likes to brag that they’ve never lost a party but apparently they have! Good job Tigers.