October 21, 2014
10:19 am

Lisa Mason in the Morning

Posts from November 2013
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 27 2013 7:11AM
Merry Ironakkahgiving Bowl! If you’re not into turkey, are Jewish, or hate football there’s very little for you in the local headlines. Ahh holidays: the warm, rosy time where even nondrinkers start looking for hand sanitizer to drink just to ease the irritation of a few hours with Auntie Myrtle. Why not lift your holiday spirits by trying one of the hot new Thanksgiving themed cocktails making the rounds? The classic "Cosmopuritan," a trendy "Mayflower on the Rocks," or the traditional shot "Land on the Beach"
You can almost feel Christmas in the air. President Obama is hoping for a visit from the Spirit of Poll Numbers Past.
Susan “It’s a YouTube Video” Rice, our national security adviser, traveled to Kabul Monday for the signing of a security deal with Afghan President Hamid Karzai, but Karzai pulled-out at the last minute, saying he'll leave it up to his successor. The Obama administration is accusing Karzai of playing chicken with Rice.
Indonesia can’t catch a break! First an earthquake, then the typhoon and now a volcano has erupted. Over 15 thousand villagers in western Indonesia are fleeing lava smoke and gas from Mt Cinnibon.* Grey may be the new black this winter, but Indonesia is the new Haiti.
Jefferson County Commissioners say they’re addressing the problem with the now infamous tag lines at county courthouses, but some fear software upgrades will be useless. The Commission is seeking a Plan B but can’t scrape together enough money to buy it from CVS.
During a road trip to pitch the Affordable Care Act, President Obama visited the DreamWorks studios. It was appropriate, because in his dreams, the ObamaCare website works. Meanwhile, we now know that Oregon spent 300 million dollars on Obamacare, and has 0 enrollees. The state is beyond angry about this – that money could have been spent on new Duck’s jerseys for fans still wearing green. That’s soooooo “last quarter.” 
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1839, the American Statistical Association was founded in Boston. It increased the number of Statistical Associations by 100%.
62-sheep are dead after a Union Pacific train hit a herd crossing the tracks during a blizzard in Utah. It took several hours to determine the total number of sheep killed because investigators kept falling asleep counting them. The rancher is irate, saying UP officials won’t give him an honest explanation for what happened. A railroad spokesperson told him, "Ewe can't handle the truth." Wow. Sheep jokes. Bah-Bah-Bah-Humbug!
25MPH winds with gusts that could reach 35MPH mean the giant balloons in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade may not fly on Thursday. I knew this would happen when the balloons merged with USAirways. I don’t understand the attraction of watching a parade – I work off of 280 where EVERY day is a bumper to bumper parade crawl.
and ... A Massachusetts mall Santa has been arrested for groping one of his teenage elves. The parents of the elf are outraged because the case went to small claims court. Making this even grosser – the Santa is 62! Bad news for him, workman’s comp doesn’t cover throwing your back out to while groping elves.  
*Oh. It’s Mount Sinabung. I totally misheard that on the news.
Filed Under :
People : Hamid KarzaiObamaRice
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 25 2013 7:46AM
Mother Nature answers the question, “Could holiday travel be any worse” with a resounding yes. A massive storm, upon which 8 deaths have been blamed, is currently forcing hundreds of flight cancellations in Texas. We’re expected to get a bit of “milk and bread” weather ourselves, so shelters have opened in many communities to keep the homeless from turning into povertysickles. So all you people outside the Fultondale Best buy – there’s a place where you can find heat, blankets and a hot meal. Oh. They’re already waiting on the store to open Thanksgiving Day. Maybe it’s just me but it’s so odd that we’ve got shelters open for the homeless, yet people with houses have already left their homes to get in line for the sales. Maybe we could work out an exchange program?
Christmas? PANIC! It’s now one month away, but first we have to get through Thanksgiving and Black Friday. In case you’re foreign or have been in a coma; the day after Thanksgiving is "Black Friday." Or as Paula Deen calls Black Friday ... actually, I can't tell you what Paula Deen calls it.  Anyway, Richard Simmons is going to make an appearance at the Macey’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Please don’t let him wear those uber short-shorts. They only giblets I want to see Thursday are on my plate.   
AAA says fewer people will be traveling this Thanksgiving week. I don't know. I was just outside and I saw a lot of people leaving the Democratic Party. Meanwhile, a recent study of traffic data by the University of Alabama predicts the days near Christmas this year will likely be more dangerous on the roadways than around other holidays. No kidding.
The Norwegian Army is going meatless on Mondays. Perfect, now we know which day to invade.
A German study has identified five different types of boredom. There are three more, besides my morning show and news blog.
Canberra, Australia has set the world record for Christmas lights. Not fair! It Australia. In a nation where everything is trying to kill you, you NEED the extra light to see it all coming. Box jellyfish, ALL of the deadliest snakes, bird-eating spiders, stingrays, baby-sealing dingoes and sharks with lasers. Australia is awesome but it can get rough. You know the difference between an Aussie wedding and an Aussie funeral? One less drunk will be at the funeral.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1758, during the French and Indian Wars, the British captured Fort Duquesne at what is now Pittsburgh. So, technically speaking, the British were the first stealers in town.
Yesterday was the 50th anniversary of the death of Lee Harvey Oswald. An excuse to keep running Kennedy footage.  
Katy Perry is being called racist because during her performance at the AMA’s, she worse a Chinese dress with a Japanese style wig. Really scraping the bottom of the “legitimate complaint” barrel here, aren’t we?
The Fox channel in Japan is attempting to break a Guinness Book Record by running an uninterrupted, 10-day "NCIS" marathon. Or, as "NCIS" is known in Japan, "Round-Eye Sailor Boys Spy You Long Time."
Happy being single but tired of your friends and family nagging you about settling down? There's an app for that! The new "Invisible Girlfriend" app provides phone calls, voicemails, random gifts and even a Facebook relationship. It’s about $10 bucks a month for the service. The "Invisible Boyfriend" app is in development, but will be more expensive as it requires a staff to come to your home, leave dirty socks BESIDE the hamper, fail to flush or put the seat down, and forget your anniversary.
And … Even if you live on a cul-de-sac, you have to admit Christmas is right around the corner. Churches planning live nativity scenes in Washington D.C. say they may have to go out of the area in order to find Three Wise Men.
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 22 2013 7:19AM
All the well wishes, flowers and gifts are incredibly sweet … but you people have a very odd way of marking the 50th anniversary of JFK’s assassination. Numerous conspiracy theories continue to abound over the event, which happened 50 years ago today. Everyone who was alive and of age at the time, still remembers exactly where they were when it happened … and they’re the ONLY ones with alibis. In a recent interview, the man who drove Lee Harvey Oswald to work that day says the (supposed) assassin was carrying curtain rods. The Warren Commission later ruled that those curtain rods were, in fact, the murder weapon. Who knew they made bolt action curtain rods? And where can I buy them? Bloodbath and Beyond?
Back in his days as a senator, President Obama called the filibuster option “the voice of the minority.” Aaaand now it’s gone. The President’s party voted to do away with the option to filibuster Obama’s nominees and confirmations. Democrats who helped push the measure through are now praying they will stay in the majority forever, so they won’t need that option themselves in a couple years. Where’s the joke for this story? The story IS the joke.  Obama's slogan has gone from "Change You Can Believe In," to "Changing the Rules in the Middle of the Game."
Jefferson County is officially moving out of bankruptcy, and sewer customers who had no say in bad deals and overspending will foot the bill. Jefferson County Commission President David Carrington says the rate hikes are in the best interests of the county. Great. Close your eyes and think of JeffCo.
A ginormous Boeing 747 Jumbo Jet cargo plane landed at the wrong, tiny Kansas airport Wednesday, overshooting the Air Force Base at which they were supposed to land by 8-miles. You KNOW the pilots had to be male because they never once asked for directions. In case you're wondering, the record for missing your mark is still held by ObamaCare.  You can't really blame the pilots for overshooting an Air Force Base by 8-miles. They were on their iPhones watching Jean-Claude Van Damme do the splits between two semis. One thing is for certain: they're not getting those 8 extra frequent flier miles.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1718, the pirate known as "Blackbeard" was killed off the Virginia coast. Wow, the Black Friday sales started even earlier back then.
In 1886, George Ferris died at the age of 37... just three years after inventing the Ferris Wheel. I guess he had whatever was going AROUND! Ba-dum tssssss!
A new  poll says that Mitt Romney would beat President Obama if the election were held this month. Obviously, he does quite well among voters who are running a year behind.
Butterball is still saying there's going to be a turkey shortage this year. Like it even matters! Most Americans will either be out shopping or working instead of at home eating.
Psychic and author Sylvia Browne, known for her frequent TV appearances and incorrect high-profile predictions through the years, died Wednesday morning. She didn’t see that coming either.
Now that he’s been stripped of power and lost his TV show, what's Toronto Mayor Rob Ford going to do now? My guess is, run for a higher office.
Nike has teamed-up with Hasbro and Detroit Lions receiver Calvin Johnson for "Calvin Johnson Megatron Transformer Shoes." They cost $550-dollars. I'll tell you what paying that much money for Transformer tennis shoes does, it transforms you into an idiot.
And … The FAA is very close to allowing us to have electronic devices on board – the antiquated rule could change by Christmas. The designated cell phone seating will be located outside on the wing. People are annoying enough with their phones on the ground, much less in the air. I’m looking forward to that 12 hour flight having to listen to  Yaksalot McChatty behind me. "Hello? Hello? ...Yes I'm here honey… Hello? Yes I made my flight. We're up in the air now! We might be late. Some halfwit put a giant jet down at the wrong airport.... No. I Don't hear static....Huh? ... Oh.....That noise?........That's just the emergency slide deploying....HELLO?”
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 21 2013 7:23AM
President Obama said “It’s OK to extend insurance plans that were cancelled because of Obamacare.” Turns out that’s only correct in theory. Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Alabama says they worked for the past 3.5 years to make their plans fit new requirements and simply can’t undo it all without consequences. BC-BS is catching flak for this but how do YOU feel when you work to complete a project, then your boss tells you “I want it to be different,” so you go back and rework everything only to eventually be told “go back to the way it was?” Next time we elect people, can we make sure they have at least the business sense of little Jimmy down the street with the lemonade stand?
Health officials are out with new warnings about detergent pods. Kids are eating them and getting sick. I don’t know how these kids are raised but my parents almost never kept candy under the kitchen sink. Almost. The real problem with pods is that we are lazy and they’re more expensive than just measuring detergent like we used to. And I love them.
Florida Congressman Trey Radel is on a leave of absence after getting busted for buying cocaine from an undercover cop in DC. Wow, times must be hard if the DC cops are resorting to selling coke.  You’d think Radel could have just waited till he got back to Florida where you can get a contact high just by licking a $20 bill.
She’s recovering and back at work, but Democratic New York Congresswoman Grace Meng, was hit over the head and robbed Tuesday night near Capitol Hill. Meng said the whole experience changed her, and she may not be as quick to vote for redistributing other people's property in the future.
Don’t look for any JFK news here tomorrow. It’s the 50th Anniversary of his assassination and the only other way to avoid coverage of it is to move to a volcano in Vanuatu. I have nothing against JFK except for this: way back in grade school, Ms. Williams asked the class, “Can anyone tell me what’s so special about today?” I hopped up and answered, “It’s my birthday!” She said, no that wasn’t it. I insisted it was. Ms. Williams then announced “Today is special because its the anniversary of the assignation of President Kennedy.” I’m miffed at this point and say, “Well, is HIS mom bringing cupcakes during lunch?” Yeah. That’s a trip to the principal.   
And … a few things you need to know.
On this date in 1877, Thomas Edison announced his invention of "the talking machine," better known as the phonograph. These days he would have called it the iPhoneograph.  
On this date in 1942, the Alaska Highway opened in Canada. Ironically, on the same day, the Canadian Highway opened up in Alaska. 
A Costco store in Simi Valley, California, is apologizing after several Bibles they were selling had the word "fiction" written on the price tag. I don't know how they get away with this.  Bibles are labeled as "fiction," but they're still selling hot dogs in the "meat" section. How is this possible?
A new education study finds that cheating students are more likely to want government jobs. So, remember kids: study and get good grades, or you could end up in congress!
Cleaning attendants on an airline flight from Bangkok found 24-gold bars left in one of the plane's toilets. The cleaning personnel said that they couldn't believe it when they found the 20-gold bars, and that they hoped all 15 would get back to their rightful owner.
And … The surviving members of "Monty Python," John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Terry Gilliam and Michael Palin are reuniting. It will be a refreshing change laughing at a Palin who intentionally says something funny. This is the Holy Grail of reunions! All of the boys are in … except Graham Chapman, who died in 1989. Although Chapman claims he's not dead yet and that he's getting better.
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 20 2013 8:21AM
The White House says Healthcare.gov won’t be working by November 30th. In other news, water is wet.  HHS Secretary Kathleen Sibelius says “November 30th was never a ‘deadline.’” Oh! Sorry, saying the site would be fixed by the end of the month just kinda sounded a lot like a deadline.
A Birmingham Water Works employee has been arrested on several counts of theft. That bunch has really fallen low. Back in the day the arrest would have been for corruption, extortion, negligence, and EXTRA theft.
George Zimmerman is out on $9,000 bail in his latest domestic violence case, so he’ll be able to celebrate Thanksgiving dinner with his family. Although, George says he refuses to say grace because he can't stand that mean old Headline News lady. Sadly for Z-Man, he is no longer allowed to have weapons so he won’t be able to bag his own turkey this year. Unless he kills one by sitting on it. He’ll be back in court in January, what’s the over-under on how many arrests he’ll have till then?  Seriously, I’m getting PTSD from having to hear his name.
Duck! Installation of the first 12 new flight information boards is underway at Birmingham-Shuttlesworth International Airport.   
Butterball says there’s a shortage of extra-large fresh turkeys this Thanksgiving because the turkeys failed to gain weight. The turkeys are crediting exercise and the blue meth. Butterball isn't being terribly forthcoming on exactly why their turkeys didn't gain weight, but they're rethinking their policy of killing and freezing the largest turkeys in front of the live, still growing ones. Who cares? Everyone just wants Turduckens anyway. Just remember, safety first if you're deep-frying a Turducken. Always have an extinguisher ready, and be sure to learn the Heimlicken Maneuver.
It’s the Mystery on Bell Street! Human remains in an abandoned well beneath a home in Bessemer are now being tested by the coroner. The grim discovery was made by the homeowner’s daughter, who, having nothing else to do, went into the well. The funny* part was, when the woman announced she wanted to see the well her family asked, “What are you gonna do if there’s a body in it?” There was an awkward moment when the woman ran back upstairs and said, “There’s a body in it.” Dora the Well Explorer told police she knew the remains were human because of the clothing: jeans and an “Auburn University Hide and Seek Squad” shirt.    
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1620, the very first baby was born to the Pilgrims on board a boat in the Massachusetts Bay. The couple named the baby boy Peregrine. The pilgrims were getting short on rations AND baby names.
50 years ago today, President Kennedy lifted the Cuban blockade, officially ending the Cuban Missile Crisis. About as close to a nuclear war anyone would want to get. He immediately reached for the Visine, as he wasn't able to blink for the previous two weeks.
Adam Levine has been named the “Sexiest Man Alive” by People Magazine.  No, not the former Bush adviser of the same name. ** This is the guy from Maroon 5 and a judge on "The Voice." And the sexist guy alive. Really? Was every other male on the planet unavailable? Was his only competition George Zimmerman? Dude looks like he’s in recovery for heroinackajuana*** after surviving a typhoon. Maybe he was doing dishes when the votes were cast, since there’s nothing sexier than a man doing housework. ****
If you missed the news yesterday, they're filming a sequel to "It's a Wonderful Life." I believe it's called "It's an Incredibly Bad Idea." If only there was a way for God to show us how our lives would be improved if this sequel had never been born.
Jimmy Kimmel asked Barbara Walters this week which of all "The View" hosts through the years she liked the least, and Barbara said, "I don't like any of them." I guess that's why watching "The View" is as comfortable as attending the Cheney Thanksgiving Day dinner. (See? Cheney’s daughters have been feuding online and the straight one says she’s skipping Thanksgiving if the gay one is there. Yeah. It’s not funny unless you follow the Cheney’s on Twitter ... and even then it’s not funny).

Al Qaeda top man Ayman al-Zawahiri released a new audio-tape last week online. In the tape, al-Zawahiri doesn't make any overt threats to bring down America, he just encourages President Obama to, "Keep it up!"
And …“Selfie” has been named the 2013 word of the year by Oxford Dictionaries.  AAA now warns of a dangerous new trend – selfies and driving. Hey, it’s not texting so it’s not illegal right?
*Not funny
**It might as well be
***It’s heroin mixed with crack and weed. Just ask Toronto’s mayor.
****Of his own free will, no gun to his head.
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 19 2013 7:39AM
What a shocker. George Zimmerman was arrested after allegedly hitting his pregnant girlfriend. Let's not jump to conclusions until the facts come out. For all we know the girl may have "flashed Skittles" at this fine upstanding citizen. Zimmerman is only 30 but WOW he looks rough. Must be the stress of that high-paced professional lifestyle he’s leading. You know who I feel sorry for in all this? US. We haven’t heard the last of this guy.

Tornadoes swept away homes in President Obama's home state of Illinois. And boy, are the citizens upset. Mr. Obama had promised them that if they liked their old homes, they could keep their old homes.  Period.

In an attempt to stave off hurt feelings the principal of McAdory High school has apologized, planned disciplinary action for the cheerleading squad and asked teachers to review Native American history. During Friday night’s game against Pinson Valley, the cheerleaders hung a banner reading, “Hey Indians. Get ready to leave in a Trail of Tears Round 2." It’s not so much offensive as it is blindingly ignorant.  What did McAdory plan for Pinson Valley? A forced march and ethnic cleansing? A Horseshoe Bend reference would have been more fitting. At any rate the lettering on the sign looked like it was done by a third grader. I thought cheerleaders majored in things like sign-lettering with paint-pens.  

Another volatile meeting of the Hoover School Board last night. A city councilman paid for a study on the economic impact of school bus cuts, and many wonder why that study wasn’t conducted BEFORE the decision was made to cut bus service. Because if you’re buying a reelection bid, it’s easier to swoop in after the fact and try to look like a hero instead of taking action first, chuh!

This just in -- the odds of winning the Mega Millions Lottery Jackpot and getting on the Obamacare website are now exactly the same!

Authorities are investigating human remains found in a Bessemer well. The Bell Street residents discovered the well under their house a couple of weeks ago, and on Saturday decided to look inside it. Was there nothing on TV Saturday? “Hey honey, I’m bored. Let’s go poke around in that abandoned well.” It’s a Lassie episode in the making, but at least they might now know what happened to the original homeowner.

President Obama says Christmas shopping should be easy this year because he knows exactly what everybody wants. Their doctors and their health insurance policies back.

Toronto Mayor and future “Dancing with the Stars contestant,” Rob Ford has been stripped of his powers but he gets to keep his job even after admitting to drug and alcohol abuse in office.  After getting physical during the hearing, Ford now says he's quitting drugs. Bad news, Rob. The cocaine cartels say they've developed bacon-scented crack.

And a few things you need to know …

Four score and 70 years ago (I think), President Lincoln delivered his famous Gettysburg Address. Most of us miss the message of the speech since we’re still too busy trying to figure exactly how much "four score and seven years ago" actually is.

On this date in 1493, Christopher Columbus discovered Puerto Rico. He had been searching the world for a new route to better baseball players.

Heinz ketchup is cutting roughly 1,300 jobs over the next eight months. Heinz employees are already in the Hunt's for new jobs.

I don’t know whom to believe. PETA says today's turkeys are so fat; they can't stand up and are prone to heart attacks. So they have a lot in common with Americans then! Conversely, Butterball says their turkeys just aren’t growing as fast this year and they don’t know why. Maybe it’s because all the steroids they use to pump them up have been going to the NFL.

That "Real Housewives of New Jersey" couple, indicted back in July on 39-counts of fraud and conspiracy, has now been charged with lying about their employment. They're on "Real Housewives of New Jersey," and they lied about where they worked? Maybe they’re not complete morons after all.

And … "It's A Wonderful Life" is getting a sequel. And not a “made-for-TV” Hallmark sequel, but an actual feature film that follows up on the 1946 classic. What’s next? “Casablanca 2: Electric Boogaloo/Return to Ricks?” Hollywood will stop making pointless sequels when WE stop paying to see them. Confession: I’ve never seen “It’s a Wonderful Life.” I thought this was the one about a BB gun and a leg lamp but that’s apparently “Christmas Story?” Never saw that one either. I know – you’re horrified.

Filed Under :
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 18 2013 8:14AM
The Midwest begins picking up the pieces after monster storms devastated numerous communities in several states. Major props go to a news team in Peoria, Illinois who interrupted their own report to seek shelter. The anchors are live, warning their viewers to immediately seek shelter, when the news director tells them THEY need to head for cover as well. And they do. Here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aiBIFDLfWCY. Why is this a thing? Because we never see it happen. We’re used to local reporters and chuckleheads on the Weather Channel standing in dangerous weather just to show us, yes it’s dangerous, yes, it’s raining. Or staying on TV to fear-monger about a possible new storm forming elsewhere when there’s an F5 headed your way. If I see a weather guy suddenly take cover, I’m going to listen to that guy because he’s smart AND considerate. Plus, if you stay on the air running your mouth about safety – remember the producer, camera guy, intern and computer staff who you are putting at risk because you NEED them in order to get your face time in. Props to Peoria.  What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. It’s a very bad situation in the Midwest, so please spare a good thought for the people there.
Rumors are flying that President Obama is under so much pressure from the botched health care rollout, he's smoking again. Don’t worry, Michelle has him trying to beat the habit. The president is now stitching a nicotine patch quilt.  
Thanksgiving is coming: the day we all gather together with our families to give thanks that we made it through that Auburn/Georgia game without having a stroke.  Meanwhile, the Crimson Tide is catching flak for Saturday’s boring game against Mississippi State. But when you think about it, you can’t expect too much. Bama’s first string doesn’t have that much practice – they always get pulled and never play 4 full quarters. 
Back on the Thanksgiving thing, I forgot all about it. I missed the signs that Thanksgiving was almost here. Several neighbors have their Christmas lights up, it starts getting dark at lunch and I’m almost done sneaking the leaves from my yard into the neighbor's yard. Granted, I don’t usually really realize it’s Thanksgiving till I see that giant balloon of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie going down the street on TV. Oh, wait. That IS Chris Christie.
A North Carolina police officer conducting a concealed weapon gun safety class is being criticized for recommending that gun owners store loaded weapons underneath their beds, even in homes with children and pets. I would never store loaded guns under my bed because I'm pretty sure there are monsters under there. What am I'm going to do, arm them?
If you’re dying to relive the Kennedy assassination, CBSnews.com is streaming their original coverage of the event in real time. 50 years later, plans to build a bullet-proof Kennedy are still on the drawing table.  
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford says that he considers himself a good role model for kids. To which, child actors replied, "Yeah, I can totally see that."
China is again saying they will change their one-child-only-or-death policy. Worried parents with one child asked, "We're talking about revising it upwards, right?"
And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1883, standard time zones were established across the entire U.S, so our entire population could complain about how it gets dark so early at the same time.
On this date in 1820, Antarctica was discovered by Captain Nathaniel B. Palmer. Forgive me for not being too impressed, but exactly how hard was it to find a continent? Like, if he didn't, someone else wouldn't have?
Caught off guard coming back from a commercial break, CNN anchor John Berman accidentally opened a live news segment saying the words, "Effed it up," only he said the actual "F-Word."  The FCC says they won’t issue a fine, since Berman dropped his F-Bomb on CNN, nobody heard it.
So you can make other plans, there will be a Kardashian Christmas Special on E! December 1st. You’ve been warned.
They may get some precipitation in New York City today, where it hasn't rained since Labor Day. The good news -- no one has to put up with the smell of wet mugger. The Hudson River is even down a couple inches. They were THIS close to finding Jimmy Hoffa! Many thought the river was down because of Mayor Bloomberg’s ban on containers holding more than 16-ounces.
And … the new gaming consoles are making a huge retail splash. Eh. I'll consider a Playstation 4 or an Xbox One right after I master this Atari thing.
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 15 2013 7:09AM
During his press conference yesterday, President Obama apologized to the American people, saying he "fumbled the rollout of the health care law." He fumbled? Nancy Pelosi is saying Obama completed 7-touchdown-passes to himself!  The sad thing for Republicans is, the GOP would have possession of the football now, but they’re so busy trying to prove that Obama is a Muslim; they just left the pigskin lying right there on the field.
Also during Thursday’s press conference, Mr. Obama claimed his policy of sanctions has wrecked the Iranian economy. So it’s a lot like here then?
There’s a spat in the news among nations who have donated relief aid to the Philippines in the wake of Typhoon Haiyan. It’s like the holidays at your in-laws. China is bragging it gave $1.6 million in aid already. Whoopteedo! That was less than the check written by Swedish furniture store Ikea. Only problem is: Ikea’s check is in 47 pieces and has to be assembled before the Philippines can cash it. 
We now know that terrorists knew the location of the “Safe Room” inside the Benghazi Consulate that was attacked last year. Apparently that’s where the US stores it’s inflammatory YouTube videos.
Trussville police are investigating a fatal shooting of an 87-year-old. A second elderly man, who was also staying in the house, was taken in as a person of interest. The fight between the two started about 4:30 yesterday afternoon, just as dinner was being served.
The Catholic Church is being reinvigorated by a new sense of spirit that bishops have labeled, the "Pope Francis effect." Even many U.S. Catholic Bishops who had previously been outspoken against gays and contraception are now shifting their focus to issues like poverty and immigration reform. It's humbling to be humbled by the humble.
It’s not just the NSA spying on citizens, new reports show the CIA has been doing the same thing. Were it not for the NSA and CIA my news blog would be DOA because no one would be reading it. Perhaps now that we’re aware our own government is watching us the agencies will give us our privacy. No we won’t. What? Enjoy your stay on the No-Fly list. Hey, while you guys are here can you send over some breakfast? The usual? How do you know what I normally eat?! Instagram.   
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1806, Explorer Zebulon Pike discovered the mountaintop in Colorado now known as "Pikes Peak." Just think how different it would have turned out if the explorer William Don't had found it.
In 1869, the U.S. began free postal service. Well, I can see how it didn't make money.
On this date in 1937, air conditioning was installed in the House and Senate chambers of Congress. Just like congress -- having air conditioning installed in November.
An eleven-year-old from Colorado has developed a way to make alcoholic beverages in space. His experiment will even be tested on the International Space Station; astronauts already have the Right Stuff, now they'll have the Hard Stuff too!*  This is one small step for a man ... one giant shot of Crown Royal!
Alec Baldwin's stalker has been found guilty and sentenced to 210-days in jail. This woman a loon! I mean, why would you be obsessed with a complete jerk like Alec Baldwin? What, Bieber wasn't available?    
And … not enough jokes for you today? Blame my friend Hunter who held me hostage yesterday on a detailed recording project. He wouldn’t let me have another water or go to the bathroom AND he took my sweater away. OK so this is rather a first-world issue, but it’s mine!  
*The ISS crew isn’t 100% in love with the drink idea. Everything available uses TANG for a mixer.**
**Actually, TANG is a great mixer. Try a shot of tequila, grenadine and TANG. It’s called an Astronaut Sunrise and isn’t as terrible as it sounds.***

***Can you still buy TANG outside of Huntsville? I really want soem TANG now.

Filed Under :
Location : ColoradoHuntsville
by Lisa Mason posted Nov 14 2013 7:58AM
With news the healthcare site WON’T be ready by the end of the month, President Obama says he's sorry that some Americans have lost their healthcare in the same way that we're sorry he can't run for a third term. The Dems are turning on the law, and the Reps are … no one can tell what the Reps are doing. A doctor who frequently appears on Fox News says the problem with America is that too many people have health insurance. I believe the physician's name was Dr. Josef Mengele Jr.

Aid workers in the Philippines are being asked to be self-sufficient. Local authorities are struggling to distribute supplies and maintain law and order in many areas, yet some relief volunteers are complaining there’s no place for them to stay. You know what? I’m going to stop reading news one of these days. This just makes my head hurt.   

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford says that he'll seek "reelection," "not rehab." Fat, drunk and addicted to crack is no way to go through office, Rob.

Not content with recently being named the most powerful person alive by Time Magazine, Russian President Vladimir Putin joins the ranks of the most elite martial artists. He’s been awarded a ninth Dan ranking in Taekwondo. Yep. Putin could kill you with his bare hands ... but why bother when you have A) people to do it for you B) Polonium?

Need to raise your blood pressure again? Rino's Pizzeria in New Jersey wins the Jerk Award of the day. 38-year-old disabled Army veteran Jeff Hall was asked to leave the restaurant because of his service dog Cooper. Rino’s owner, Salvatore Massa, is apparently unaware it’s a federal offense to deny access to someone with a service dog. Massa also says people are “overreacting” by outraged calls to boycott his establishment. BTW – Hall and Cooper were thrown out … on Veteran’s day. #Boycott

The Tuscaloosa school board vote buying scandal is over. Judge James Roberts ruled that Kelly Horwitz’s team didn’t possess sufficient evidence to overturn the election. No word on whether Judge Roberts got the same offer of free drinks for this verdict as students did to vote.

Scotland Yard has ruled out foul play in the case of a British secret agent whose dead, naked body was found padlocked inside a gym bag. I believe them. That's how my friends and family prefer to travel with me on long trips.  Just remember to put air-holes in the gym bag. Otherwise, your carry-on can turn into carrion.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1832, Charles Carroll, the last surviving signer of the Declaration of Independence, died at age 95. The British had said, "Sign that document and die!" and eventually, he did.

On this date in 1968, Yale University went co-ed. Up until that time, women weren't allowed in the school, only in the dorms.  

Prince Charles turns 65 today. As a special treat, his wife -- Camilla Parker Bowles -- will take that sexy nightgown in her drawer, and leave it there.

After being at the center of yet another internet death hoax, William Shatner reiterates that he won't be appearing in any of the new "Star Trek" movies. However, several of the Tribbles in the next film will be played by his old toupees.

A pharmaceutical company has developed a deodorant that is bacon scented. Yep, that's what the world was missing.

Atheist mega-churches are becoming increasingly popular nationwide. Why? One of the biggest selling points about being an atheist was you didn't have to go to church! While everyone else does Thanksgiving Day, what do these guys celebrate? Thanks For Nothing Day? 

Denmark is still rated as the happiest country in the world, despite having the highest personal debt. Wait -- going into debt makes you happy? I need to get a credit card!

A new study says depression may accelerate the aging process. Well, then let’s not admit how that makes us feel. 

February 13th, 2015 is the new release date for the movie, "50 Shades of Grey."  Just in time for Valentine's Day, spank you very much.

And …  today we end with actual content! With this cold snap, the Greater Birmingham Humane Society needs your help to prepare animals for winter. They are collecting gently used dog houses to help those with pets, but no shelter for them. Houses can be dropped off at the GBHS on 300 Snow Drive, just off Oxmoor Rd in Homewood.

by Lisa Mason posted Nov 13 2013 7:58AM
The situation is grim. People are pleading for help, yet no aid is available to devastated millions. Relief workers say there’s simply nothing they can do for Healthcare.gov. Did I say Healthcare.gov? I meant to say the Philippines. Anyway, I think I just signed up for Obamacare. I was trying to learn how to cook in time for Thanksgiving and called the 1-800 number. That Butterball Turkey Hotline really IS efficient.   Too bad these jokes aren’t.
Former President Bill Clinton is urging President Obama to keep his vow that Americans can keep their health care plans. Because if there's anybody who's an expert at keeping vows, it's Bill Clinton. While Republicans were lambasted for suggesting a delay in Obamacare, Slick Willy is receiving praise from Democrats up for reelection. Like it or not, Bill’s quote will go down as historic. However, “Let them keep their health insurance” isn’t as flashy as “let them eat cake” but the sentiment’s the same.      

The CEO of Chrysler is moving over to Maserati. His drive to work is also going from 25 minutes to just one.  

American Airlines and US Airways merging. What will the new flying behemoth be called? I hope they go with “Airlines Airways.” They’ll be able to lose your luggage twice as fast.

Someone at the U.S. Post Office is finally thinking of a way to make money. You know what just went on sale? Harry Potter stamps. I’ve said for years that in order to turn a profit, our government should shoot a Harry Potter movie that also features sparkly vampires and Iron Man.  

Unofficial LensCrafter spokesmodel Sarah Palin criticized Pope Francis this week as a "liberal" who's made statements that "take (her) aback." Too bad the Pope can't make statements that take her AWAY.

Alabama is getting hit with the flu harder and earlier than our neighbors. Healthcare providers say get a flu shot and get it now. I’ve never had a flu shot but am considering it after catching the flu last year. I was so sick! I walked into the doctor, he took one look at me and asked “flu?” I told him “No, I drove here.” Ba dum tsssss!

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1875, football players in the Harvard/Yale game were the first wear uniforms. Let’s just assume they wore some kind of clothing prior to this. 

On this date in 1942, the minimum draft age was lowered from 21 to 18. That was back when fake IDs went the other direction: "21? Nope! I'm only 17!"

The viral music video, "What Does the Fox Say" is being turned into a children’s book. I know what the Fox say! It's, "We Report, You Decide."  Right? Hello?

With Thanksgiving looming, a New Hampshire poultry farmer says he makes his turkeys fat and juicy by feeding them beer. And on slaughter day, he tricks the turkeys by saying, "I have a wonderful cure for that hangover headache."

The as of yet unopened One World Trade Center will have the fastest elevators in the Western Hemisphere, they’ll travel 2,000-feet per minute. WOAH! How tall do you have to be to ride these cars? Will they be manned by carnie's? There’s already criticism though: if the fancy elevators in One-WTC ever shut down, the facility will become nearly as useless as the U.S. Capitol Building.

More trouble for the Bieb, after projectile vomiting onto the crowd during a concert. We're not sure yet how Justin Bieber's illness will affect his South American tour. Asked if he would perform shows in Uruguay, Justin replied, "No, you are!"

A New Jersey homeless man found $850 dollars on the street last spring, and turned it in. When the cash wasn’t claimed, police let him keep it. Now, he’s losing his government benefits because of the “additional income.” That sound you hear is faith in Humanity circling the drain.

And … Russian officials say journalists will be banned from tweeting at the Winter Olympics there. Oh, sure, completely overlook twerking.

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by Lisa Mason posted Nov 12 2013 7:24AM
A second storm makes landfall in the Philippines about 290 miles from areas hardest hit by super-typhoon Haiyan. As a terrible bonus, devastated regions were also rattled by a small earthquake. George Clooney says the devastation is a direct result of Global Warming. See? THIS is why I never made it big as an actress: I don’t have the necessary climatology science background. It’s required! After flattening the Philippines, Typhoon Haiyan headed to Vietnam. Haiyan had to hit Vietnam after attempts to get into Canada were deemed impossible.

The 77-foot Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree arrived over the weekend. It won’t be lit until December 4th so until then, if you're at Rockefeller Center and you want to see something that's completely lit, you'll have to settle for Kathie Lee or Hoda. Seriously, if I drank half as much as those gals during MY morning show ... actually never mind. It might help!

A New York man who was kicked out of a hipster indie band shot and killed the other band members and then killed himself. Prosecutors are still trying to decide if any crimes were committed.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1892, William Heffelfinger became the first professional football player, when he was given $25, a cash bonus of $500 and a promise that when Nike's were invented, he'd get an endorsement deal. $525 total? Today, that wouldn’t even pay for regulation shoes.  

In 1946 on this date, the very first artificial snow was created at a ski area. It resulted in the first-ever artificial broken leg. 

Disgraced figure skater Tonya Harding turns 43 today. It was like a bad game of Clue! She did it with the lead pipe... against Nancy Kerrigan... in the knees.  

It's a pretty strange coincidence, but Eminem's childhood home, the same one pictured on the cover of his brand-new album, was damaged by fire last week. The house is in Detroit, how can they tell there was a fire? I don't know if this was just a publicity stunt, but when the guy who called 911 was asked to identify himself he kept saying, "Hi, my name is - what, my name is -who, my name is - Slim Shady."

It’s a big wedding day today for those who need an anniversary that’s easy to remember. Today’s date is 11-12-13 so guys you’re running out of time to both propose AND get hitched in order to avoid those tricky anniversary dates. You can even impress your spouse by remembering the exact TIME of your wedding, if you hold it at 14:15:16. Thank me later.

And … the new "Thor" movie is supposed to be pretty good. I want to see it on Thorsday with all the other people who think they’re clever. I was surprised the new Thor film did well at the box office, with Minnesota at 2-7, Viking gods don't seem to be all they're cracked up to be.

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