Lisa's Morning News: "The Zombie Tip Edition."
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 15 2013 8:03AM
The Fools on the Hill are now congratulating each other for merely attempting to negotiate. Welcome to the United States of Lowered Expectations! The government shutdown is even affecting the dating world – I overheard a guy trying to pick up a date by saying, “You should furlough that zero and appropriate this hero.”*
“Mr. Mayor, tear down this wall!” A Birmingham City Councilman says the downtown interstate bridges need to be moved because they're a barrier between Downtown and the rest of the city. I’m a DJ, not a bridge engineer but wouldn’t moving the bridges mean moving the interstate itself? Jonathan Austin says the I-20/59 bridges are Birmingham's version of the Berlin Wall. Except you’re not shot by guards trying to cross, you’re shot by locals. You know they found a way to use a banana as a compass back in the days of the Berlin Wall? Lay the banana on top of the Wall, whichever side has a bite taken out of it is East.
An Al Qaeda prisoner at Guantanamo whose weight has doubled to 420-pounds while in captivity may have to be released. Apparently, he's a devotee of the infamous cleric, Paula Deenajad. Why release him? It would be a lot funnier just watching him try to escape. If Obama can't shut down Gitmo, can't he at least close the 24-hour dessert bar? Officials say Abu bin Fatti has been a (plus-size) model prisoner and is not a threat since suicide vests don’t come in “big and tall” sizes.
Youth evangelist Mathew Pitt is in court this morning, he’ll learn if he has to finish serving the remainder of a year-long sentence for his 2012 guilty plea to a charge of attempting to impersonate a police officer. There was an awkward moment as court came to session, Pitt was impersonating a bailiff. Meanwhile the director of security for The Basement was cited Sunday for leaving the scene of an accident. Vince Lovell, driving a Tahoe emblazoned with police-style “Free Pitt” graphics, reportedly sideswiped another driver then fled. Lovell says he only left the scene to go home and get his phone. Oh, OK! The law clearly states “don’t leave the scene of an accident UNLESS you left your cell phone at home.”**
Just because 90 percent of the IRS has been furloughed, doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. If you filed for an extension way back in April, your tax deadline is TODAY! Just don’t expect a refund soon. The IRS will not issue refunds until “normal” operations resume, but they likely have the manpower to come after you immediately if your stuff isn’t in. Remember: there is no child so bad that he/she can't be used as an income tax deduction.
More NSA documents were released today by Ed Snowdon – just in time for Fall Sweeps! The premiere of the Walking Dead still beat him. AMC's "The Walking Dead" drew 16.1 million viewers Sunday night for its fourth season premiere, the best in the series' history. Some people honestly believe that there is a legitimate threat of a zombie invasion. How prepared are you? Here’s some handy tips on what to do when the zombie apocalypse begins. 1. Begin an immediate catch up marathon watching of "The Walking Dead"—think of it as a training video. 2. Wear a button that says, "I’m a Congressman.” The zombies will assume you have no brains and will not eat you. 3. Invest in T-shirts that say, “I’M WITH DELICIOUSà.” Lastly, the best thing you can do when the zombie apocalypse comes is to only hang out with people you can outrun.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1783, a Frenchman became the first man to fly in a hot air balloon. This was back in the days before bullies had school lockers to stuff you into.
A new study by Oxford University says extremely attractive people enjoy kissing more. I'm guessing the study wasn't conducted until after a shower and a cup of coffee.
A judge in Phoenix has ruled that it's okay for churches to lease out their steeples to double as cell phone towers. Dost thou hears't me now?
And … Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has spent $30 Million on the homes surrounding his mansion for complete privacy. That's not surprising. After all, when you think of Facebook, you think of privacy.
*Hey, I just met you and this is crazy – I’m on furlough, so sequester me maybe?
**There’s no way he left his cell at home.