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Lisa's Morning News (9-23-13) Happy Birthday Da!

by Lisa Mason posted Sep 23 2013 7:36AM
In honour of my Da’s birthday today I wanted to make sure every joke here was brilliantly written and hilarious. Luckily, Da isn’t used to me delivering.
 
President Obama renewed his calls for stricter gun control yesterday; he was speaking at a memorial of the 12 victims of the Navy Yard shooting. Joe Biden is hoping everyone has forgotten he touted a simple shotgun as the go-to method for defense. 
 
Al Shabaab says their gunmen are behind the attack on Westgate Mall that killed at least 68 people. How did The Somali branch of Al Qaeda get to Bessemer and wreak such havoc? Westgate Mall was a proposed site for a new Bessemer Courthouse so I would have thought security would have been tighter. Oh. This one is in Nairobi, Kenya. I should have known there was another Westgate Mall when the headlines described it as an “upscale tourist mall.”
 
E coli has been found in the tap water in Lyons, CO. Well of course there’s E Coli in the Water, Lyons has been hard hit by flooding – EVERYTHING is in the water. E coli, DVD players, stoves, cars, attics…
 
The US Postal Service says it needs an emergency rate hike, that it's running out of money. Yet some people sincerely want the government to handle health care?
 
The L.A. Dodgers are being slammed for trashy behavior after they celebrated their National League West division championship by jumping in the swimming pool at the Arizona Diamondbacks stadium. Problem isn’t unsportsmanlike conduct, it’s that several players peed in the deep end and now the pool has tested positive for steroids.
 
The Coca-Cola bottling company is apologizing for thousands of bottle caps on their VitaminWater products which bore the words "You Retard." I guess we now know what they really think of people who shell out $1.50+ for a bottle of tap-water.
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
On this date in 2002, Governor Gray Davis signs a law making California the first state to offer workers paid family leave. Voters were so thankful that several years later, they recalled him.
 
The Greek poet Euripides was born on this date, back in the year 484 BC. Not many people knew his full name: Euripides U. Payforum. 
 
On this date in 1932, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia was formed. The guy who did it was a real prince, although some considered him a wolf in Sheik's clothing.
 
The face value of tickets to this year's Super Bowl will be as high as $2,600. Even the scalpers are saying, "Oh, that's WAY too much!"
 
The TLC smash-hit trainwreck “John and Kate Plus 8” just keeps on giving. Jon Gosselin admits he doesn't pay child support, has absolutely no contact with his ex-wife and these days, waits tables and lives in a cabin in the woods. Great, the next Unibomber in training is a reality show star.
 
Another Emmy Awards has come and gone. I think they're almost over. Fantastic moment last night when Tony Hale won best supporting actor for his work on VEEP! Tony graduated from Samford University, proving that at least one person from the Class of 1992 is a success!
 
 "Keeping up with the Kardashians" is supposedly a reality show, but they filmed their Christmas episode last week. That's not reality! I mean, think of what can happen in 3-months. It's like 2-Kardashian marriages.
 
And … Nick Cage only thought he wasn’t Expendable. Kelsey Grammer will take over the role in The Expendables 3 from which Nick was fired. I just don't see Kelsey as an action-hero. The guy can't even kill Bart Simpson. Let see, thre’s Kelsey Grammer and Sylvester Stallone, "The Expendables 3" also has Mel Gibson, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Lock up Jon Voight and that's every Republican in Hollywood.
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09/23/2013 7:37AM
Lisa's Morning News (9-23-13) Happy Birthday Da!
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