Lisa's Morning News (9-26-13) Now with more SCIENCE!
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 26 2013 8:27AM
Was Ted Cruz’s talkathon against Obamacare effective? The questions trending on Twitter have less to do with policy, and more concern about how the Texas senator was able to go to the bathroom. Senator Cruz spoke on the Senate floor for 21-consecutive hours and 18-minutes to attack ObamaCare. Running out of things to say, Cruz began talking about how much he likes White Castle hamburgers. Well, now the White Castle is as close as Cruz will ever get to the White House. We can keep this guy on the senate floor but we can’t get clothes on Miley, what gives? Meanwhile, despite estimates from financial people who figure out such things, President Obama says health care coverage can be had for less than your cell phone bill. OK, is that per week or month? Is data unlimited? Can we play games on it?
The FBI has released footage of the Navy Yard gunman. Aaron Alexis is clearly seen entering the building, then stalking the halls with a shotgun. It goes on for some time before he decides on a victim. Maybe someone could monitor those cameras once in a while? Maybe hire the guy that monitors our security cameras here at work. Bring a drink into the studio? BAM! You’re in trouble. Vicki Ward bends over to tie her shoe? BAM! Everybody’s seen it. Is that a breakfast bar on the console? BAM! That’s a write up!
A Soyuz capsule carrying three astronauts successfully docked with the International Space Station today. The new crew's six-month mission will include a spacewalk with the Olympic torch. We uh … we made sure the Russian members know to keep that open flame away from oxygen anything, right? Don’t want anyone going all Valentin Bondarenko on us.
Child advocacy groups dedicated to preventing car back-up accidents are angry because a requirement that all cars should be equipped with rear-view video cams will not be enforced. If going backwards is that dangerous, shouldn't they install rear-view cams on the Jefferson County Commission? The child advocacy groups say we have no idea how big the blind spot really is. Are they talking about drivers or DC’s treatment of Benghazi?
Is Birmingham in danger of LOSING the Magic City Classic? The 72nd annual matchup between Alabama State and Alabama A&M is set for next month and the city says it’s working on a new contract to keep the game going. What’s the issue? Neither school has asked for a change of venue from Legion Field. Why the doom and gloom? Fox 6 spent 5 minutes on this story last night, and there was no reason mentioned that the Classic wouldn’t disrupt traffic at Arkadelphia again this year. If I’d known just making stuff up was a legit way to do news I would save myself a lot of time and just fabricate things I want to mention. Oh wait …
Scientists say they’ve nailed down the date the world will end. Before you stop paying your mortgage, that date is 2.25 billion years in the future. I think it’s sometime in June when the Sun will expand to engulf the Earth. Forget news reporter, I want to be a scientist.* You can make up facts and set them as far off in the future as you like. Not only will no one be able to prove you wrong, you’ll get to be on all those cool Discovery shows.
Regions Field is to be flooded and turned into an aquarium. Part of a foundation dedicated to bringing former Birmingham Mayor Larry Langford’s dream of bringing beluga whales to Downtown is sponsoring the project. 2.25 billion years in the future** the reptilian life forms who live in the Regions Field district will launch an uprising against their beluga overlords.
And a few things you need to know…
Johnny Appleseed was born on this date in 1774. Johnny, of course, gained his fame by traveling all over the country, scattering his seed... sort of the Bruce Jenner of his time.
On this date in 1777, the British occupied Philadelphia. The Eagles later beat the Old England Patriots in a close one, 21-20.
Exactly three months from today, you'll be hitting the after-Christmas sales.
Simon Cowell has announced that he won't watch his baby's birth. During the latest ultrasound, the baby held up a sign that said he'll never watch X-Factor. Fair trade.
Oprah Winfrey says that last year she nearly suffered a nervous breakdown and that the experience taught her that money can't buy happiness. It's the incredible political power that comes with it that gets you through those tough times.
Bill Nye the Science Guy, tore a ligament in his left knee during his dance routine on Monday's "Dancing with the Stars." The word LAWSUIT is being tossed around. Hey, Heather Mills danced on "DWTS" with one leg. Suck it up, cupcake! Until Bill Nye can dance again, he's going to stay fresh by appearing on "Limping with the Nerds." I don't think he legally CAN sue "DWTS" since he’s already blamed his knee injury on global warming.
And … Photogs caught Charlie Sheen on his way to jury duty in L.A. on Tuesday. Talk about “12 and a Half Angry Men." This is proof that Charlie can't beat drugs OR jury duty.
**Before the Sun expands in June.
Filed Under :
Aaron Alexis, Bill Nye, Charlie Sheen, Heather Mills, Larry Langford, Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Simon Cowell, Ted Cruz, Valentin Bondarenko, Vicki Ward