March 4, 2015
9:21 am

Lisa Mason in the Morning

by Lisa Mason posted Mar 4 2015 9:14AM
Love him or hate him, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave a stirring address to Congress yesterday. He stated that faith can move mountains … as soon as the Muslim extremists in Iran get nukes. THEN it'll move mountains, valleys, rivers, houses, schools …

Trending online – Japan's Cat Island, where felines outnumber humans 6 to 1. That place must …smell. I pray my dog never finds out how much more popular cats are online

Seriously? A guy in Texas got a tattoo of "the dress." It took longer to agree on the color of the tattoo than the tattoo itself.

Oprah Winfrey closing her Chicago studios in December. The only thing Oprah ever made me change about my life was the channel when her show came on.

Yesterday was "Free Pancake Day" at IHOP. Just thought you should know. Call me when it's free lobster day somewhere nice.

And … The government of Nepal is asking adventurers climbing Mt Everest to please stop pooping everywhere. It's pretty bad; as if your toilet was broken and you waited a week to call the plumber AND your bathroom was a World Heritage Site. I was going to tell a poop joke here but it was too corny.
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Location : ChicagoTexas
by Lisa Mason posted Mar 3 2015 8:03AM
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu addresses Congress today. It will be the first time there has been such an articulate speaker on the floor since…well, the last time he spoke to Congress. 51 Democrats are boycotting the speech because following protocol is more important than the fact Iran's building nukes and the White House seems pretty cool with that. Meanwhile, National Security Advisor Susan Rice says, "a bad deal with Iran is better than NO deal with Iran." Which is like saying, "a bad drug deal is better than NO drug deal," or "a bad case of Ebola is better than NO case of Ebola."

In solidarity with Congress, I vow that no work will get done in my presence today.

Remember that astronaut who sang David Bowie's "Space Oddity" on the International Space Station? Somehow, Chris Hadfield's flight suit ended up in a Toronto thrift store. Dr. Julielynn Wong, who actually trained with Hadfield, was out popping some tags and bought it for $40. Wait -- doctors have to shop at thrift stores now?

Just so you know --Three cases of leprosy have been confirmed in Florida. When Governor Rick Scott heard the news, he fell to pieces.

Speaking OF Florida; a man in Panama City caught a nearly ten foot long great white shark -- right off the coast! They tagged and released it -- right off the coast. Kids, learn to swim now so you're not the slowest one in the water this spring break.

And a few things you need to know …

In 1845, Florida became our 27th state. It was a great deal. Spain not only gave us Florida, but they threw in the Keys!

The World Health Organization says that 1-billion young people are at risk of damaging their ears from loud music. To which most responded, "Minsk can damage beers when you're out of music?"

A 108 year old New York man and his 105 year old wife recently celebrated their 82nd wedding anniversary together. They enjoyed a nice trip from the living room to the kitchen.

The town of Grantville, Georgia can be yours for 680 thousand dollars! The town where they film "The Walking Dead" is up for sale. Buy it and while you won't be The Governor … you CAN be The Mayor.

Pope Francis has called money, 'the devil's dung.' I'm going to start carrying a plastic bag with me, in case I need to pick some up.

A study says that dogs remember events for no longer than two minutes. So when I walk in a room with my dog to get something and forget why I'm there, Hera does, too! Good girl!

And … Remember that "unretouched" photo of model Cindy Crawford? She looked like a normal woman for her age, not a slick supermodel and Crawford was praised for daring to show her normal humanity. It was a fake. Someone photoshopped her to look bad. Crawford's husband Tweeted out a pic of her over the weekend proving, once and for all, that the laws of aging and gravity do NOT apply to a supermodel pushing 50.
by Lisa Mason posted Mar 2 2015 8:21AM
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu addresses Congress tomorrow. He's expected to settle, once and for all, what colour that stupid dress is.

The first Dallas nurse to contract Ebola is suing the hospital, saying they didn't do enough to protect her. If I ever contracted Ebola, they'd only have to test the Jimmy John's Guy to see if it spread.

Siri will soon be able to speak in Russian, Portuguese, Swedish and four other languages. That'll make a total of 8 languages she can misunderstand.

Today is national pig day! PETA asks us to celebrate by not eating pork today. But tomorrow – go hog wild.

And just a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1901, the U.S. Forest Service was created, as part of the U.S. Tree Service. For a while there, you couldn't see the Forest Service for the Tree Service.

A new study shows that apples are the produce with the most pesticides. No wonder they keep the doctor away.

T.J. Maxx says it will raise workers' pay to $9 an hour... which was heartbreaking to employees who thought they were already making more than that.

Just FYI - A surgeon in Italy says that full body transplants could be a reality in two years. So, you can skip the gym and just have your head put on a better body? But where are they getting all the hot extra bodies? And what happens when the headless bodies start demanding equal rights? I guess we get the plot of about 15 different movies.

And … I'm incredibly sad at the passing of Leonard Nimoy on Friday. He'd been in ill health for quite a while … but they'll bring him back in the next movie won't they? We've seen it happen before! Meanwhile, William Shatner is defending himself on Twitter after being labelled "Captain Jerk" for not attending Nimoy's funeral. Shatner had a prior commitment to attend a Red Cross fundraiser and didn't … think to … change … his PLAAAAAAAANS! Trek yourself before you wreck yourself, Captain!
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Location : Dallas
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 27 2015 9:08AM
The FCC has approved Net Neutrality, so the government will soon regulate your internet just like a utility. I’m against it, but maybe it will limit the amount of food pictures we have to see on Instagram.
Cullman County wants to use money left over from the 2011 tornado disaster to repair roads. Tell me, what is “leftover money?” Is that like “leftover wine?” Or “leftover chocolate?” No such thing.
Marijuana is now legal in Washington DC. Great. Now when a politician says they don't remember, it's probably true. Plus it will now take people at least five minutes to climb over White House fence unless they spot Obama’s secret snack stash.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1801, Washington DC, was placed under the jurisdiction of Congress. That explains so much.
On this date in 1939, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that sit-down strikes were illegal. Protestors said they wouldn't take the news standing up.
And … the two incidents that yesterday broke the internet.

First, we have #TheDress. A picture was posted of a (not very pretty) dress and everyone is losing their minds trying to decide what colour it is. To me, it looks white and gold but to other (wrong) people, it looks blue and black. Society is imploding because to us “it’s white and gold” people, if you squint your eyes the dress appears in blue and black. I just did it AND NOW THE DRESS IS BLUE AND BLACK. This is the way the world ends; with questionable ready-to-wear.

The second incident that caused a work stoppage was the wild run had by a pair of llamas in Sun City, Arizona. A black llama and a white llama ran amok thru the city proving that ebony and ivory DO go together in perfect harmony. Millions of people (who weren’t arguing over #TheDress) were glued to the Great Llama Escape for hours until the critters were safely captured. The rampage began when the black llama told the white one they were going to escape and the white llama said, “Great! ALPACA bag.”

Just remember, while we’re all watching escaped llamas and trying to figure out what colour a dress is ... china is doing math and has nuclear weapons pointed at us.

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by Lisa Mason posted Feb 24 2015 8:38AM
With the threat of snow continuing, crazed shoppers have turned the milk and bread aisles of Publix into their own personal Benghazi. I always buy MY milk sandwiches pre-made. I don’t want to issue an ultimatum here but either the winter goes, or I go!
There is a specific terror threat against U.S. shopping malls. Be vigilant! If you're at the mall and you SEE something, SAY something. Unless you're at LensCrafters. In that case, ask someone who can actually SEE to verify whatever you THOUGHT you saw.
BREAKING NEWS – they have changed the date of the World Cup from Summer to Winter! Remember the World Cup? Soccer? When millions of Americans left work early to watch countries they’ve never heard of play a sport they don’t care about.
And a few things you need to know …

In 1903 the United States acquired a naval station at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Cuban officials said negotiating the contract was torture. 
There’s a new Dr. Seuss book coming out in July, and yes, it has been over 20 years since he died. This guy’s the new Tupac.   Working titles include; "How the Grinch Stole a Story Idea" and "Abercrombie the Zombie."  
Starbucks has launched a home delivery service. Perfect for the ultimately lazy person who can't even brew their own.
TLC is working on a spinoff of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." My only question – why?
Little Caesar's has introduced a new Bacon Wrapped Crust Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza with basically 3.5 feet of bacon wrapped around the crust. Bacon is like the duct tape of the kitchen – it fixes everything. And if it can’t – you should probably just throw it away.
And … One of my fellow Samford University grads has made Baron’s list of top financial advisors in America! Jeff Roberts again made the top 5 advisors in Alabama on the national list. He also owes me lunch and didn’t attend my birthday party – DESPITE being personally invited. NOR did he get his amazing handler Julie a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes for HER birthday this month. Let’s see … Jeff is in Baron’s magazine while another Samford grad, Tony Hale, won a freaking EMMY AWARD. Let me just say – thanks for making ME look bad guys. Actually – I only work 4 hours a day while those guys are hoofing it all day long. Yeah, take that boys. Work smarter!  
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Location : Alabama
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