Lisa's Morning News "News with physics jokes will go over like a Pb balloon."
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 8 2013 8:27AM
Finger pointing continues on Capitol Hell. House speaker John Boehner says he doesn’t have the votes in the house to support a new spending bill to get the government up and running. President Obama says the votes are there. Boehner replied “nuh UH,” to which the President responded, “do TOO!” They then fought over who got to play trucks in the sandbox before being sent to time-out without an afternoon juice box. Did you know 83% of the federal government is still functioning, even after the shutdown? We can't even stop working right! The shutdown costs about $300 million a day. That’s actually good news as it’s less than congress and the president were spending each day before the shutdown!
In anticipation of Twitter going public, everyone was on the lookout for a chance to get in on the ground floor. That inspired a panic buy of Tweeter shares, not Twitter. Tweeter is a bankrupt electronics store but their NYSE listing didn’t explain that in 140 characters.
On October 17th, the government hits it’s borrowing limit. President Obama says the global financial markets will suffer a catastrophic hit if the US can’t continue borrowing money. Yes, what a shame for everyone else that we can’t keep borrowing. Its’ like the global financial market is our deadbeat son still sleeping on the couch.
Scammers posing as Alabama Power reps are rooking people out of cash, by calling and telling customers their power will be immediately cut unless they pay with a debit card. The caller ID even reads Alabama Power but it is really scammers from overseas. It’s baffling that no one is suspicious because Peggy from Dirkadirkastan sounds NOTHING like Shaniqua at Alabama Power. Anyway, Alabama Power says you should call them if you suspect a scam, then wait on hold for 20 minutes before you’re transferred to the wrong department. It’s really a tip off when you get off the phone with what you think is a utility wanting money and think, “Wow – that was easy, fast and a pleasant experience all around!”
A 9-year-old runaway Minneapolis boy without a boarding pass cleared 3-security checkpoints and snuck onto a flight to Las Vegas. I guess what happens in Minnesota doesn't stay in Minnesota. Authorities are trying to determine what would cause the boy to runaway to Vegas. Scantily-clad dancing girls? 99-cent breakfast buffets? Circus-Circus? What could possibly be his motivation?!
Stars didn’t fall on Alabama last night! Excited that a meteor shower was appearing at a decent hour instead of 3AM, many flocked outside to watch the Draconid Shower. Funny thing about the Draconids, they’re about as reliable as a chocolate fireman. The Draconid Shower has been voted “2013’s Most Disappointing Shower Since the One You Took When Your Hot Water Heater Blew.”
Big news in the scientific community! Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together? OMg! I love science.* Seriously, Congrats to Francois Englert and Peter Higgs for winning the 2013 Nobel Prize in Physics for their theoretical discoveries on how subatomic particles acquire mass. I did not win the Nobel Prize for my theory that if the formula for water is H2O, then the formula for ice must be H2O cubed. Hey -- You know why the chicken crossed the Moebius strip? To get to the same side! Ba dum tsssss!
And a few things you need to know…
In 1966, the U.S. government officially banned the drug, LSD. Supporters of the drug said the banana tentacles are goobagob speaking in blue rainbows with the ambienceulances. Wait, was Rep. John Rogers involved in this?
On this date in 1997, the Martian probe Pathfinder yielded evidence that the planet may have supported life... or at least, several Starbucks. What is it about space exploration and the word, "probe"?
Sigourney Weaver turns 64 today. As a special surprise, an alien baby will burst out of her chest and sing Happy Birthday.
Former President Jimmy Carter was on the news this morning, I didn’t hear what he was saying but his lips were moving ... much like when he was in office. Jimmy’s had some work done. Instead of Botox, he’s injecting himself with smug.
While hosting "Saturday Night Live," Miley Cyrus announced that Hannah Montana is "dead." I know it's tempting, people, but none of this wishing it was the other way around. Everyone's making such a fuss over Sinead O'Connor's open letter to Miley Cyrus. Yes. Someone you don't care about is criticizing someone else you don't care about.
Katy Perry and John Mayer were spotted holding hands at Disneyland last week. And I thought the Centers for Disease Control had been furloughed.
What’s new in Ohio? A drunk man with a 666 tattoo on his forehead was arrested for urinating inside a burrito shop. I'm shocked -- I had no idea Ohio had burrito shops.
And … if you’re planning ahead, Chanukah begins on Thanksgiving this year. That's the last time it'll happen for 79,000 years! I was behind a woman in the post office last year and she asked for Chanukah stamps. The clerk asked, "What denomination?" The woman said, “Oy, has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."
**It’s a Thomas Dolby reference.
Filed Under :
Francois Englert, Hannah Montana, Jimmy Carter, John Boehner, John Mayer, John Rogers, Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, Obama, Peter Higgs, Sigourney Weaver