Lisa's Morning News "Running as smoothly as that healthcare site."
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 23 2013 8:13AM
Because to America, there IS no bigger story. There’s a rumor going around that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian plan to hold their wedding ceremony on Mars! It’s not true. They're making their families come here.
The hot new game to sweep the nation is no longer latest version of Grand Theft Auto, it’s the fun new “try to sign up for healthcare” game. Only a handful of computer masterminds have been able to beat it thus far. Game addiction is rampant in the Tea Party. You why they love logging onto Healthcare.gov so much? Because everybody goes round-and-round in circles, they never actually get anywhere, and there are more crashes than NASCAR. President Obama has been unable to find a way to blame George Bush for the problems of the ObamaCare website rollout. Hey, wait a minute, Obama -- blame Al Gore for the Internet!
The parent of a North Texas high school football player has filed a bullying complaint against a rival team's coaching staff after his son's team lost, 91-0. I see a bright future for this poor kid. Oh, not in the NFL, but sitting wrapped in bubble wrap by his over-protective father who brings home “dates” for his son who have been carefully screened by using night vision goggles and duct tape.
Can’t imagine why he’s not relying on Obamacare, but in an effort to fund children's health care; Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel is proposing an additional 75 cent tax on a pack of cigarettes that would bring the average price of cigarettes in Chicago to $7.42 cents a pack. Barack Obama said it's a big sacrifice for smokers, but for the sake of the kids, he's willing to pay it (so long as Michelle doesn’t find out).
Wait – now Crimson Tide FANS are in trouble with Nick Saban? During last Saturday’s blow out of Arkansas, footage showed empty seats. Saban says if you come for four quarters you darn well better STAY for four quarters. If you’re going to the game this weekend, don’t you dare get up before Nick says it’s OK. He’ll call a time-out just to yell at his players ... imagine what he’ll do to US! He’s probably already got your wife in the locker room with a thug ready to break her fingers if YOU get up to go potty.
Birmingham’s City Council and Mayor were officially sworn in yesterday. The group is vowing to work together because the good of the city depends on cooperhahahahahahaha! Yeah, right.
2,000 transportation workers in San Francisco have gone on strike shutting down the Bay Area Rapid Transit System. The city has announced that all gropers who usually work the BART cars should now meet at Democratic Party Headquarters for further instructions. See? Because their mayor was thrown out for groping and -- oh never mind. Let’s talk about the Kardashians again.
JeffCo officials are still debating whether an 82-year old Midfield man was justified in shooting a home intruder. David Haynes, the home-owner, has been the victim of numerous burglaries. 34 year-old Jacob Lawayne Marsh, the dead guy, has a 15 year string of criminal convictions. Haynes found Marsh rummaging through his kitchen Monday night, and shot him five times in the head with his shotgun. FIVE head shots? What was this guy, a walker? Bad guys beware of men over 70! You never know who was in the armed forces, a few wars, who is grumpy because you woke him up, and who’s been waiting over 70 years to finally take out some punk the police let go.
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1946, the United Nations met in New York for the very first time. Of course, being the first day, nothing was really accomplished … a tradition that has now spanned 67 years!
On this date in 1956, the ill-fated revolt in Communist Hungary started, but was easily crushed by Soviet tanks. The leader of Hungary said, "I led this revolt and this is the tanks I get?"
Soccer great Pele turns 73 today. He was the Babe Ruth of soccer, except he was in shape and Babe Ruth didn't play soccer.
Scientists claim they may be close to discovering a cure for baldness. You know, if they find a cure for baldness, maybe they can find a cure for bald-face liars, and we can finally clean out Washington D.C.
Uruguay has announced it's going to start selling marijuana for $1 a gram. Have it Uruguay!
Dolly Parton is home resting comfortably after being in a car accident. She had to fight off 32 medics trying to give her CPR.
And … There’s a rumor going around the tech world that the New Apple iPads Can Also Be Used As a Toaster! No, you're thinking of the new apple iTarts.
Enjoy these bonus Helpful Halloween tips! A lot of kids will be wanting to do the pumpkin carving this weekend. I’ve already had four Jack o’Lanterns end up in the compost pile because I just couldn’t wait. I found these tips online to keep your pumpkin out of the rotter, along with some safety tips because God forbid anyone do anything fun without a warning label.
1. You can apparently prolong a carved pumpkin's life by lathering the inside of the shell and cut areas with Vaseline. Kinky, but OK. We’ll try it.
2. Avoid cutting mouths that are large open spaces or very long horizontally. They weaken the pumpkin at the bottom and can make it collapse. And that’s no fun.
3. To prevent a fire hazard, use battery-operated candles to light the pumpkin. Those touch lights you picked up at a yard sale work wonders. Plus, your o’Lanterns will stay on all night so if you leave for work at 4am like me, there’s bright pumpkins to see you off.
4. Safety third! Woman’s Day magazine says small children should make Jack o'Lantern faces by attaching vegetables, fruit or candy to the pumpkin with toothpicks instead of cutting. #LAME. OR … you could do like my Da did with me when I was a kid. Pre-draw the design then hand you a filet knife while saying, “THIS is a fillet knife and it’s freaking sharp. THIS is how you hold it, THIS is how you cut. THIS is how you be careful so Mommy doesn’t know I let you use the fillet knife.”
OK. So maybe these aren’t helpful tips, they’re just ... tips.