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Lisa Mason in the Morning

 

Lisa's Morning News 1-13-14 It's Back!

by Lisa Mason posted Jan 13 2014 7:59AM
I called in cold last week and missed the Polar Vortex. Best timing ever! BTW-- the phrase "Polar Vortex" has now been so over-used that we're being asked to substitute "selfie twerk" in its place.  I missed a lot of what was going on the the world, but apparently the Little Mermaid died? Foolishly, the US sent Joe Biden to Ariel Sharon’s funeral, to send the message that the administration hates Israel. Now that the Golden Globe acceptance speeches are almost over, let’s see what I missed in the news.
 
 
The latest from the Fat and the Furious traffic scandal! New Jersey Governor Chris Christie admitted that he did once shut down a bridge. But that was because a truck-driver dumped a load of double-stuffed Oreos.  Allegedly, Christie's staff orchestrated a traffic jam on the George Washington Bridge as punishment to a local mayor. It would take a pretty big man to admit that they did it ... and, well, he's pretty big. You have to love how politicians always try to turn lemons into lemonade. When he was told that Christie was involved in a scandal, President Obama asked, "Any way we can blame him for the problems at the HealthCare.gov site?"

 
It’s Christmas in space! The six space station astronauts finally got their Christmas presents yesterday with the arrival of a privately launched supply ship that had been delayed for a month. When did UPS get a Cygnus capsule? The Armenian Church celebrates Christmas on January 6, so the gifts aren’t TOO late. Shame there aren’t any Armenians aboard to notice.

 
Cyber crooks have hacked into Neiman Marcus and compromised customers' credit information. Wow, Neiman Marcus has become a Target.  
 
 
If you’ve had insomnia, you’re in luck! The Alabama Legislature kicks off an election-year session tomorrow. They’ll deal with possible changes to the state tax code, Medicaid and a proposal to create a state lottery.  None of which will happen so enjoy the show.
 
 
 
A Southwest Airlines plane carrying more than 100 passengers landed at the wrong Missouri airport yesterday. They were supposed to land in Branson but instead landed 7 miles away in the booming hub that is the Taney County airport. Naturally, the passengers’ luggage ended up in Atlanta.

 
Defense Department officials have confirmed that 2-missile launch officers have been implicated in an illegal drug investigation at an Air Force base in Montana. Although the situation was potentially serious, an Air Force spokesman said the general public was never in any real danger. Well, no more than the usual danger with our current administration.

 
A 9/11 suspect at Guantanamo who was ejected from court twice during previous hearings was ejected from court twice again during his last hearing. This breaks the record for being ejected from a court previously held by Lindsey Lohan.
 
 
And a few things you need to know …
 
On this date in 1854, a patent was granted for the accordion. There is someone to blame! Seriously, what were they thinking? It could have been stopped right then and there.  

 
On this date in 1610, Galileo discovered Callisto, the fourth satellite of Jupiter. Oh, sure, waltz and get credit after three were already discovered.
 
In 1920 on this date, a New York Times editorial announced that "rockets can never fly." Rocket scientists said that the New York Times would never survive. Now who's laughing?
 

On this date in 1972, (wow, FOUR “on this date” stories. You know that means I’m out of ideas). The New York State Supreme Court ruled that a woman may become a professional umpire. And why not? For years we’ve never believed a man was safe when he was out. 

 
Someone has started a Facebook page called, "Deport Dennis Rodman." Which is really rough considering we have a no-extradition treaty with his home planet.  
 
Some people are pig-biting mad that Japanese McDonald's restaurants are selling cheese fries that aren't available in the U.S.A. Seems we legalized weed in Colorado and Washington State for absolutely no reason at all!  This does explain where all our Velveeta is going.
 
Sears and K-Mart both had big drops in holiday sales this time around. K-Mart was down 5.7%, Sears a whopping 9.2%. Huh... seems to me both were open all day on Thanksgiving, too.
 

Justin Bieber could face criminal charges for allegedly egging his neighbor's house. Man, that Justin Bieber is a terrible neighbor. South Korea gets along better with Kim Jong Un.  

 
 
A university study says happiness peaks when you're in your 80's. And you thought Disneyland was the happiest place on Earth! Save the money and instead just drop by a senior citizen assisted living facility.
 

And … Kraft is STILL warning of a possible Velveeta shortage. I suppose, in a true emergency, you could always use real cheese? How does this keep happening? Did healthy-eating karma finally kick in? It’s not hard to figure out; combine giving the casts of "Honey Boo Boo" and "Duck Dynasty" all that disposable income with decriminalizing pot in Colorado and Washington and what did you think was going to happen? I'm surprised there's still Schlitz and beef jerky on the shelves.  Kraft says the Velveeta threat is not a marketing tactic and is sticking by its guns -- which is what will happen when your Velveeta gets too close to your guns.
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01/13/2014 8:02AM
Lisa's Morning News 1-13-14 It's Back!
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