September 20, 2014
3:03 am
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Lisa Mason in the Morning

 
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 19 2014 7:18AM
For independence they won't walk 500 miles and they won't walk 500 more just to be the land who'd not walk a thousand miles 'cause walking's such a chore.*
Scotland votes against independence from the UK, ensuring they won't get off 100% Scott-free. Mel Gibson must be turning over in his grave! I'm not surprised Scotland wanted to break up with the U.K., I heard Scotland was already seeing other countries. Don't get too wrapped up with Scotland voting to stay in the UK; Shelia Smoot will claim voter fraud and drag this whole thing out in the courts.

Australian police conducted pre-dawn raids to break up an ISIS plot to grab somebody, ANYBODY and publicly behead them. When the raid started, ISIS members started trying to flush evidence down the toilet counter-clockwise.

A Michigan man has been sentenced for throwing a football loaded with drugs and cell phones into a prison yard. Now where would this guy have gotten the idea to combine crime with football? Hey! We made it through the night without a football player doing anything violent. Didn't we?

A Florida man shot his daughter and her 6 children before killing himself yesterday. Hey England! I know you're keeping Scotland, but will you take Florida too?

Apple is still getting complaints from people, after they received the new U2 album whether they wanted it or not. Just when you think people might be running out of things to complain about, a free U2 album comes along.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1957 that the U.S. conducted it's first underground nuclear test. It was a bomb.

Adam West, the TV version of "Batman," turns 86. These days, he's wearing Spanx leotards. Oh, you don't get this joke? Then you're either 12. Or a guy.

Warner Brothers is going to let go of 1,000 employees. Most will be laid off, but some will have an anvil dropped on them by a coyote.

Al Pacino will star as Joe Paterno in an upcoming movie about the Penn State sex scandal called, "Happy Valley." Spoiler alert: the Valley isn't very happy.

And … It is finally iDAY! Apple's IPhone 6 and iPhone 6+ arrive in stores today and some idiots have waited in line 15+ hours to get it. I'm the only one in my circle who uses a Samsung Galaxy. Droid users are largely anonymous, because you know who the people who have iPhones are because they TELL you they have an iPhone. The new iPhone looks the same to me, so how am I supposed to know you're better than I am? Either way; I'd trade my Galaxy, tablet/laptop, Blu-ray, car and Google Glass for ONE working lightsaber.

*The Proclaimers are now in your head the rest of the day.
Filed Under :
Location : FloridaMichigan
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 18 2014 8:08AM

The vote is underway in Scotland on whether they're going to break away from the U.K. I didn't even know if it was a part of the University of Kentucky. There are valid arguments for and against their independence, but no one outside of Scotland can understand a word of them.

The House approves Obama's idea of arming Islamists to fight other Islamists. What could possibly go wrong? Meanwhile the threat of attacks by ISIS has grown to the point where Obama may have to send in the NFL.

Australian officials just launched a sweeping counter-terrorism raid after uncovering a plot by ISIS sympathizers to behead a person in public. Good on you, mates! Blaming illegal immigration for the insurgents, Aussie officials estimate there are 60 thousand such illegals in the country … though Aboriginal elders claim the number is closer to 23.13 million.

Microsoft has acquired "Minecraft" maker Mojang for $2.5 Billion. They'll likely divide the stock into 8 bits.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's brother Doug Ford has announced that he'll be running in his brother's place. He's already received the endorsement of hundreds of comedy writers. His campaign slogan? "For those who feel it's time for a change, but not a big one"

I guess I'll have to add a special sports-scandal section for Players Behaving Badly.
Another NFL player is in hot water – this time it's Arizona Cardinals backup running back Jonathan Dwyer. He's been arrested for allegations of domestic abuse. So the sweatshops NIKE uses will probably stop making Dwyer jerseys now? Meanwhile, The Vikings have placed Adrian Peterson on the exempt list, meaning he has to stay away from all team activities, giving him more time to spend with his family. Ironically, they gave him a timeout instead of a spanking.
And then we have THIS idiot: Florida State's Jameis Winston has been suspended for the first half of this week's game against Clemson for jumping on a table and screaming something sexist and obscene. He could be charged with impersonating an NFL player.

This is ridiculous. Just like you don't have to stay with someone who abuses you, you don't have to date a serial jerk like Winston. Honestly, if everyone would just stop dating jerks their species would die out!
Filed Under :
Location : KentuckyToronto
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 17 2014 8:03AM
President Obama is sending 3000 troops to hardest-hit areas in West Africa in order to have them eventually bring the Ebola virus back to the US.

ISIS responds to threats to "degrade and destroy" them by releasing a Hollywood-quality film trailer filled with slow motion explosions and scenes of their fighters accompanied with dramatic music. The trailer is titled "Flames of War: Fighting Has Just Begun" and closes with a super of the words "coming soon." My Direct TV doesn't work when it rains, yet these guys are making MOVIE TRAILERS?

People are losing their minds because Vikings star Adrian Peterson disciplined his kid with a switch. If he wanted to stay out of trouble why didn't he do what my parents STILL do to discipline me? Make embarrassingly public posts on my Facebook page. Meanwhile, the NFL has created a board of 4 women to help them with women's issues. As soon as they stop referring to them as the "Broad Squad," we can started on those changes.


And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1796, President Washington gave his farewell speech. It must have been tough, being president and not having a previous administration upon which to blame everything.

On this date in 1964, the TV show "Bewitched" made its debut. It taught what it would be like to be a witch in modern times and that if you replace Darrens and act natural, no one will notice.

Most Americans thought Scotland was already free thanks to Mel Gibson, but Scotland soon votes on whether or not to leave England. Not everyone supports the idea of independence: It's kind of like what happened to Texas A&M when they left the Big 12. England first figured out Scotland wanted to dump them when Scotland stopped following the UK on Twitter and chanced its relationship status to "it's complicated."

I'm finally getting used to this heap that is Windows 8, just in time to upgrade. Some of the features of Windows 9 are starting to leak out. The Blue Screen of Death is now going to be available in other colors. And, for those occasions, there's a built-in swear button.

And …The new U2 album Apple forced upon its users ended up being the gift no one wanted, so they're coming up with an app to get rid of it. Many users say the new album should have been titled SPAM. U2 threatens they'll release one album per day until you buy an iWAtch.
Filed Under :
Location : West Africa
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 16 2014 7:13AM

Nothing to see here today. Taking yesterday off put me two days behind and besides, how many more Ebola jokes can be made? Plus all that's going on in DC is that Obama is sending warnings for the brutality to stop … but the NFL players don't seem to be listening. HERE is some drone footage of Friday's jump. I STILL haven't let go of the instructor's arm. In fact, it's right here with me in the studio. Remind me next time one of my amazing sales people asks me if I'll do something for a charity, to actually pay attention to the stunt I'll have to do! How about this: "If I raise 1000 for the Humane Society then I'll stay home and have a mimosa on the deck." I think that sounds like a fun stunt to watch. Thanks so much to all who donated to Cystic Fibrosis, you did a beautiful thing and NEXT year I vote that YOU go "Over the Edge with CF!"
Filed Under :
Topics : Human Interest
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 12 2014 7:37AM
We're supposed to have thunderstorms today yet I'm looking at the bluest sky I've ever seen. There is NO WAY the weather will save me from having to go Over the Edge for Cystic Fibrosis today. I'll be jumping 11 stories at 2pm Downtown today. NO you can't have my stereo, NO you can't have my Louboutins, NO I'm not leaving any of you anything in my will because you and Atrox Factory are so darn generous you raised $1430 for CF which means I have to make the jump. It's being filmed so you'll either get to see the footage OR the coroner will confiscate it. Either way – Thanks!

Richard Gatling was born on this date in 1818. He went down in history for inventing a gun that delivered shots faster than a Gulf Shores bartender during spring break.

Blade Runner Oscar Pistorious was only found guilty of manslaughter in the death of his girlfriend. He must have given an Oscar-worthy defense on the stand. Most people felt he didn't have a le... oh, I'll let you finish that one.

In his address to the nation, President Obama said that Isis "executes captured prisoners. They kill children, enslave, rape, and force women into marriage," and they "threaten a religious minority with genocide." If they he had said "rape" twice, it would have been just like Hedley Lamarr's Legion of Evil from "Blazing Saddles." Wow the news is depressing today.
Making matters worse on the ISIS situation, we're only getting tepid support at best. Obama claims with a new Iraqi government in place, allies abroad and Congress at home, America will lead a broad coalition to wipe out ISIS. So the "coalition" is OUR Congress, a shaky, infant Iraqi government, a couple Europeans and a handful of assorted Arabs? It's worse than a "weak link" problem; this chain is made entirely of Funyuns.

Secretary of state John Kerry says the US is NOT at War with Isis. Kerry states the White House's strategy includes "many different things that one doesn't think of normally in context of war." O…K..? I don't normally think of puppies and unicorns in the context of war so I guess we're doing that?

If you're nostalgic for the Cold War era, you're in luck! After threatening the US and NATO with the promise of nuke retaliation for just about anything, the Russians say they have a new ICBM that's so big, it can hold 10 nuclear warheads. Of course, I wouldn't put it past Russian President Vladimir Putin to lie about the size of his missile.

In case you missed it: Using DNA evidence, Jack the Ripper has been identified after 126 years. Although, we hear the NFL was sent a film back in 1919. Speaking OF… in the latest fallout from Elevator-gate, EA Sports is removing Ray Rice from their "Madden 15" video game. No Rice in "Madden 15"? I thought they said no substitutions!

And … Everybody panic! It's a solar storm! A giant solar flare from the sun may result in communication problems in the next several czyohen7ylls(%e)A990kjsv}{
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 11 2014 8:38AM
President Obama authorizes airstrikes against a terror group he recently downplayed as the "Junior Varsity" team. There was no doubt our president would call for the destruction of ISIS/ISIL/IS; the whole place over there is a sand trap and they're in the way.

"Blade Runner" Oscar Pistorious has been cleared of the murder of his girlfriend. Wow. When Oscar once said he wished he was like "regular" athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

The Alabama gubernatorial race finally got interesting thanks to Parker Griffith and an epic meltdown. Griffith verbally attacked and allegedly threatened one of Birmingham's radio personalities after an interview didn't go his way. Griffith was first butthurt that he would not get a debate with incumbent Governor Doctor-Doctor Bentley. Why bother? He can't even handle a debate with a radio host.

Ugh, Harvey Updyke's back. The man who pleaded guilty to poisoning Auburn University's landmark oak trees has paid only $99 toward restitution. He owes Auburn over 796 thousand dollars. Hope Auburn isn't counting on that cash any time soon; Harvey's entire theoretical life savings can fit inside an empty dip cup.

5 counts of murder for the South Carolina man who allegedly killed his children and dumped their bodies in Alabama. 32 year old Timothy Ray Jones Jr is described by HIS father as "a loving parent." Most of us are questioning that statement.

A huge solar flare launched off the sun yesterday and could pass the earth by Friday. Or today. They're not really sure. GAME OVER MAN! They're calling this an "X flare outburst," which just sounds impressive. If we stockpile milk and bread for snowstorms, what do we eat for a solar storm?

And a few things you need to know (kinda)…

The Lifetime network's 2015 schedule will feature a TV series called "Damien" based on the classic 1976 movie "The Omen." No word if it will be sponsored by the iPhone 666.

Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking says scientists working on the "God Particle" risk destabilizing the matter, which would destroy the universe by causing time and space to collapse. Great! Time is about to collapse and Apple wants me to buy a $350 watch? Bah! I'll admit the iWatch would be neat to have, even though it will become the most expensive thing you forgot to take off before getting in the shower.

In addition to some stuff you're going to have to upgrade every year, Apple also rolled out some new iCloud pricing. From what I hear, it's the place to store your nude photos... unless, of course, you want them kept private.

McDonald's profits are down. I'm no financier, but have they ever considered firing the Hamburglar? Seriously, how much is this guy stealing on a weekly basis?

This is probably a terrible idea, but Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones has written a children's book. I believe it's called, "Horton Hears a Ho." The Texas Board of Education is skipping the Christmas rush and just banning it now.

And … in a stunt that is officially Parker Griffith-level crazy, I jump off the roof of the building at 1819 5th Avenue North at 2pm tomorrow afternoon to support Cystic Fibrosis. If you can throw in with those who have already donated, my donation page is firstgiving.com, enter a search for Lisa Mason. Atrox factory in Leeds is STILL matching donations because they like to do horrible things to me.
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 10 2014 8:01AM
President Obama tonight interrupts your TV shows to layout his plans to fight ISIS. And as long as they don't have access to television, we should be able to surprise them.

Janay Rice says it's the media's fault AND YOUR OPINIONS that are causing her pain. Uh, no honey, that's your husband's fist. Janay says she supports her husband; she'll have to since he's out of a job. Typical in abuse cycles, the creepy denials. Call the Alabama Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-650-6522. If you won't get out of an abusive relationship for your own good; do it for your kids, for your parents, heck do it for your cat. Meanwhile, there are calls for the resignation of the NFL Commissioner for his handling of the Ray Rice incident. Roger Goodell is being accused of playing chicken with Rice.

PBS reports that the Iraqi parliament took giant steps this week towards putting a functioning government in place. Now that they've done that in Iraq, maybe we can try it over here.

And a few things you need to know…

On this date in 1953, Swanson sold its first frozen TV dinner. I believe that's still in our beakroom freezer.

126 years after the crimes, a researcher says the infamous killer, Jack the Ripper, has been identified. It should be featured in a new show called "CSI: FEMA." FINALLY cheap tarts can again walk the streets of London unafraid.

Physicist Stephen Hawking is warning that scientists working on the God particle could make it unstable, initiating a cataclysmic chain of events that will collapse space and time and demolish the universe. I thought that was Congress's job?

The tabloids are hinting about a feud between Taylor Swift and Katy Perry. Although Taylor and Katy's publicists swear the only things going on between the two are the exact same STD's.

The rumor mill says that Michael Jackson's 16-year old daughter Paris is pregnant. Rumors again, but all the teen boys at her high school say, "We'll always have Paris."

Miley Cyrus's mom says that every Saturday morning, she and Miley twerk together while making breakfast. Can the Denny's Wham Bam Grand Slamanella special be far behind?

Authorities in Oregon say a woman has been arrested after breaking in to a house, pushing a woman down the stairs, pulling her hair, biting her on the face and telling her victim she was playing "the zombie game." It's believed 27-year-old Jessica Rocha was drunk AND high at the time of the assault. Gee – ya think? Rocha now gets to play "the prison game." Hope she likes Orange is the New Black. It's sad that the only thing that shocks me about this story is the fact it didn't take place in FLORIDA.

And ... Thanks to Atrox Factory matching everyone's donations to CF, I def have to jump off a building on Friday. If you'd like to watch the horror show go, literally, down then join me at the City Federal building on 5th Ave North at 1pm Friday. If you'd like to donate, I STILL have some matching $$ promised by Atrox and I'd truly enjoy costing Paul Johnson some money. Please hit my page: firstgiving.com/fundraiser/LisaMason/laps-for-cf-goes-over-the-edge1
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 9 2014 8:43AM
Word is he's finally almost ready to tee off against some terrorists. President Obama will today outline his plan on dealing with ISIS to the nation, and to ISIS itself since they have cable.

Apple is today releasing the new iPhone. It features a larger screen for you to repeatedly crack.

Attorneys for a Clay couple fighting the city's ridiculous vicious dog ban liken the ordinance on pit bulls to the internment of citizens with Japanese ancestry during World War II. When did pit bulls bomb Pearl Harbor? The ordinance prevents Clay residents from adopting pit bulls and other breeds the city has deemed undesirable. No, ankle-biting yapping mini-cocka-doodle-pomapoos are not included in the "vicious dog" ordinance. But they should be. Because they are worse.
GM says they'll have a Cadillac on the road in two years that will be able to drive without the driver touching the steering wheel or laying a foot on the gas pedal. Should make 459 more interesting.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their second child. Pretty irresponsible, considering neither of them really has a job. And their kids are so close in age! How will they pay two college tuitions at the same time –oh.

Olive Garden is offering a Never-Ending Pasta Pass, where you can get all-you-can-eat pasta for $100. It's a 7-week, "Never-Ending" Pasta Pass? How is it never ending if it's only for 7 weeks? In my day, "Never-Ending" really meant something. You know, like a DMV line. Or a staff meeting. So, the Never-Ending Pasta Pass is good for seven weeks or until you can't fit in the door, whichever comes first. This promotion is perfect for those Americans truly struggling to carbo load.

Students in Australia have designed a robotic couch that drives the occupant to the refrigerator. In a related story, the producers of the Biggest Loser just surrendered.

And ... the mini-rant of the day on my show this morning is, naturally, about Ray Rice punching his way out of a job with the Ravens. Everyone everywhere is chiming in on this. If you've not yet seen the video he punches his then-fiancée, Janay, in a casino elevator so hard he knocks her out then drags her body halfway into the hallway like a sack of potatoes. Rice must have hit her hard enough to cause brain damage because Janay MARRIED HIM ANYWAY. She seriously needs help if she's staying with this freak.
I dare a man to raise a hand to me. You feel lucky? Try me. Sadly, odds are there are women listening to my station who are getting thrown around by their "man" on a regular basis. I use the word "man" loosely since I'm not allowed to print the actual descriptive term for a male who hits women. It is NOT OK ladies. You don't deserve it. Check out #WhyIStayed and #WhyILeft along with #WhenILeft on Twitter. Its stories of women who stayed in abusive relationships thinking "I can change him." Nope. Nope. Just nope. You aren't going to change that black eye you've got unless you leave. Now.
If you are in danger, get away. Stay away. Call 911 and don't look back. Alabama's Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-650-6522.

Wow. That was depressing. To lighten the mood I've included a picture of Hera wearing her fancy new collar. I took it off her to give her a bath and she proceeded to sit under the hook where I hung the collar and whiiiiiiiine for FIFTEEN MINUTES because she waaaaaaanted it baaaaaack. Yes, this is the behavior of a dog you can't have in Clay. Because they fear things that wear sequins.
Filed Under :
Location : Alabama
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 8 2014 8:44AM
Here we go again. Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is pregnant again. You're about to be as sick of hearing about the royal pregnancy as Kate is from being pregnant. This new baby will become fourth in line to the throne, and push Prince Harry to fifth. Whooo boy same thing kinda happened to Scar in the Lion King! Didn't we fight a war or something so that we wouldn't be required to pretend to care about the Royal Family? You know – I say that, but WOW her hair really is fantastic.

President Obama took to the Sunday news shows to save a little face. During a softball Q&A game on Meet the Press, he admitted that playing golf on Martha's Vineyard a scant 15 minutes after talking tough-ish about the beheading of journalist James Foley was a bad idea. The kicker? Obama blames the media for making it a big deal. Allow me to apologize! I'm in the media and had no idea it was my personal responsibility to make sure the President has at least ONE staffer with sense enough to say "Um, dude? You need to look a little perturbed for a sec. Do like Tony Stewart after he killed that guy and just stay inside for a couple days."

An autopsy on Joan Rivers has proved "inconclusive." Who needs an autopsy? We all know why Joan ran down the curtain and joined the choir invisible; she would rather die than take the Ice Bucket challenge.

President Obama says he's finally had it with the senseless violence and all the bloody killings and torture. He's asking HBO to tone down the new season of "Boardwalk Empire."

And a few things you need to know...

In 1917, a federal decree was issued making it illegal to manufacture whiskey in the United States. This included both rural and bourbon areas.

On this date in 1966, the TV series "Star Trek" made its debut. That was back in the day when you heard Cardassian and didn't think it was somehow related to a twit-filled reality show.

A Florida restaurant has banned customers over the age of ten from using ketchup. Good. Because ketchup makes everything taste like nasty nasty ketchup. I'm being paid by the mustard lobby.

The CEO of Apple says they will add new security alerts for iCloud users in two weeks, or as soon as they're done downloading the rest of those Jennifer Lawrence pictures. Why would you store something you don't want anyone to see someplace that you can't even see? Just curious.

Starbucks admits there is no actual pumpkin in its Pumpkin Spice Latte and America is OTRAGED. So by that standard, are you expecting actual frap in your Frappuccino?

And… It's "Fashion Week" in New York! Or, as men know it, "Some clothes thing going on the first week of football season up where the Jets and Giants play." President Obama LOVES Fashion Week; the daily barrage of runway photos means there are finally people in the front pages who look as ridiculous as the White House foreign policy team.
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 5 2014 8:52AM
President Obama and British Prime Minister David Cameron call upon NATO to stop the spread of ISIS in Iraq. NATO's Secretary General says while there IS an obligation to stop ISIS, no such request has come from Iraq itself. Wait – what? We've got to start WAITING for the "host nation" of whatever the terror problem is to INVITE us in? Awww man. This sucks!
Meanwhile, ISIS is editing videos to show President Obama looking tired and haggard then uploading them as propaganda. I can't even watch Judge Judy because of a Fox vs DirectTV spat but THEY get to run around the desert with a bootleg copy of Final Cut Pro and Wi-Fi?

Another American aid doctor has contracted the deadly Ebola virus in Africa, he's back in the US for treatment. Sorry that the Ebola virus has travelled more than us this summer.

A Birmingham judge is expected to make a ruling on an Alabama law restricting teeth-whitening services outside of dentist's offices. What. Glad to hear we've solved all our pressing problems.

Al-Qaeda has now expanded into India, putting them at a solid number 2 behind Starbucks.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1836, Sam Houston was elected president of the Republic of Texas. I used to have a t-shirt from the Sam Houston Institute of Technology but the initials always got me in trouble.

Hey – side note: WHO is in charge of Woofstock and WHY can't I emcee your event?

All is not well in the NFL. Some cheerleaders are suing the league, claiming they make less than 3 dollars per hour, after expenses, while the league earned $9 billion in revenue. See fast food workers? You could have it as bad as an NFL cheerleader who willingly consents to mandatory hair, makeup, clothing styles and weight loss!

Legendary comedian Joan Rivers has died at 81. Parts of her were only 15 – that's far too young to go! She is survived by her daughter Melissa, her 2 grandchildren, and a team of plastic surgeons who will never live the lifestyle they have become accustomed to again.

And … I want to say "thank you" to all of you who are donating to the Cystic Fibrosis fundraiser, but you realize I'm going to have to follow through with the stunt, right?? Are you TRYING to get me killed?? Next Saturday, if I meet my goal, I get pushed over the edge of a building for Laps for CF. CLICK HERE TO DONATE and watch me shriek like a freak for a noble cause. Sure I'm more than a little nervous, but I'll do just about anything EXCEPT post nude photos to the iCloud.
My CF donation page only shows me as having 42% of my goal but remember ATROX Factory is matching those donations. ATROX posted everywhere yesterday that they were looking for a new way to scare me, so they backed me in the CF fundraiser. Trust me: when ATROX Factory takes a PERSONAL interest in scaring you … you SHOULD be afraid. Be very afraid.
Meanwhile I'm prepping for the inevitable by Googling pictures of high places and trying to channel my Inner Gargoyle.
Filed Under :
Location : AlabamaTexas
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 4 2014 8:29AM
I knew you could find the video online. It didn't even take much searching, but in spite of the gruesome warnings, I watched it anyway. Man, that "Saved by the Bell" TV movie is HORRIBLE!

Vice President Joe Biden says that the Obama administration will follow ISIS "to the gates of Hell." Seeing as America seems to be going to Hell in a hand-basket, we're halfway there already. Seriously though, don't worry about America's safety. Even though the CIA totally missed the emergence of ISIS in Iraq, they're still on the job! They were the first to report the Brangelina marriage.

Fast food workers nationwide are calling for a walkout today over money. I'm all for raising the minimum wage for fast food workers as soon as ONE of them gets my order right. If you're looking for a McJob, there's about to be a lot of openings as these "protesters" will soon learn that, along with the right to whine, they also have the right to become unemployed.

Halliburton has agreed to pay $1.1 billion to settle claims from the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. Don't worry about Halliburton; their pockets are so deep, when reaching for the money, they struck oil again.

Apple's next big announcement that will make you regret buying a new phone last year is next Tuesday. When do they unveil the app that does my laundry?

More naked photos of celebrities are popping up on the Net. I just saw Lady Gaga with absolutely no food on her. Once again, we're reminded of that old saying: "Naked pictures of you can never leak online if they don't exist."

This week, all CVS stores and pharmacies began a policy of not selling cigarettes. So THAT'S why I've been noticing CVS employees smoking cigarettes behind the Walgreens dumpster.

Here's the Exploding Head Story for today. The TV series "Sleepy Hollow" is in trouble because people are outraged that, with everything horrible happening in the Middle East, the show centers around … the Headless Horseman. The legend of a Headless Horseman was a thing long before Washington Irving's story, it goes back to Celtic origins and people got beheaded back then too. But suddenly, we must avoid all mention of it because "that's insensitive!" It's the same reason I have to delete Aerosmith's "Janie's Got a Gun" from the daily playlist on the Eagle anytime there's a high-profile shooting. People get offended. Somebody call WHINE - ONE- ONE. [RANT DELETED] Can we all just chill and stop being offended on behalf of everyone else. Let's fight the REAL enemy: Lemurs.

And … I hate to ask you for anything but there's a thing I've been asked to do. It's for Laps for CF, the people who do so much work here locally for all aspects of Cystic Fibrosis. It's a challenge called "Over the Edge" and if I raise $1000 by next Saturday, I get pushed off a tall building Downtown. I don't WANT to get pushed off a tall building, but I'm sure plenty of you have, at some point, wanted to push me off of one. Then there's THIS: While I only just started on the fundraiser, Rick and Bubba on my sister station have been doing this for a couple months and have raised THOUSANDS. I'm more afraid of looking like small change next to them than of falling off a building. Because MY listeners are cooler than theirs. If you could spare a buck, ATROX Factory in Leeds is matching my donations up to a point. So if you have a dollar left over after dumping ice on yourself, I would greatly appreciate the donation to CF. AND it means Paul from ATROX has to pay up. Here's the link:
http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/LisaMason/laps-for-cf-goes-over-the-edge1
Filed Under :
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 3 2014 8:20AM
President Obama says we can "shrink ISIS to where they are a manageable problem." A "manageable problem??" DANDRUFF is a "manageable problem," ISIS is one step away from opening franchises like a "Bloodbath and Beyond" or a "Beheading and Breakfast."

The long Labor Day weekend saw 6 killings in Birmingham alone, and city leaders are calling for more public safety talks. Because "let's hold a meeting" is always the best policy. If you're not part of the solution; you're part of this meeting. I'm fussy and heavily armed yet I didn't feel comfortable walking my large dog there. Maybe Mayor Bell could ease up on the unnecessary travel expenses and pay for an extra patrol in George Ward Park?

Nude photos of celebrities are being leaked all over the Net. This would be an interesting story if everybody didn't already have a bunch of nude photos of celebrities on their own hard drives. The FBI is still trying to crack the hacking case. Why don't they just ask the NSA? Those guys have had Jennifer Lawrence nudes up on the break room bulletin board for the past 11 months.

The head of the CDC says the Ebola crisis in 4-West African countries is "spiraling out of control." Canada says they're having the same problem with Justin Beiber.

It's the third time in about a week. If you ask Delta what happened on Flight 2370, they will say it was diverted to Jacksonville "due to safety reasons in regard to a passenger issue." That is secret code for "some lady lost her mind because another passenger reclined her seat 4 inches."

Michael Sam, the first openly gay player drafted by the NFL, is cut from the Rams and gracefully poised to join the Dallas Cowboys practice squad. Congratulations, Cowboy! You've climbed the mountain! It's Brokeback Mountain, but hey, it's a baby step.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1935, an automobile went over 300 miles per hour for the very first time. I'm sure going off that cliff had a lot to do with it.

Word is the new iPhone 6 will have environmental sensors that will measure the temperature and barometric pressure. Which means, 24 hours a day, you'll be able to tell that the weather forecast was wrong.

Werner Franz, the last surviving member of the crew of the Hindenburg has died at age 92. THERMITE be a problem with the autopsy. To those of you who don't know of the Hindenburg disaster, it was a large bag of hot gas that crashed and burned in New Jersey, a lot like Chris Christie's presidential aspirations. Oh the humanity…

2 separate companies have donated enough body cameras to equip the entire Ferguson, Missouri police department. Let's hope Ferguson cops take the time to stop playing with all their armed assault vehicles, grenade launchers, M4 carbines, deltoid armor and AR15's to turn the darn things on.

The U.S. Forest Service has published a paper on how to safely roast marshmallows. What's next? "50 Shades of S'mores?"

And … here is today's Exploding Head Story. If you look around the world and think "Americans are turning into giant wusses," here's MORE proof it is painfully true.

The 30th anniversary of Ghostbusters didn't turn out well for one local man. He was thrown out of the Trussville Regal 16 for attending a screening of Ghostbusters … dressed as a Ghostbuster.
If you've seen some of the indie films I've done, you've seen Brian. He's a good guy who is a die-hard fan of the film Ghostbusters.* He has full-blown movie quality costumes and props and decided to wear one of the costumes to the anniversary screening at the Trussville Regal. Brian tells me he asked the manager, "Is it OK if I wear this inside?" Manager tells him to go for it so Brian hangs out, people get their pictures made with a Real Ghostbuster and everyone is just happy-dappy. UNTIL … our hero enters the theatre and takes his seat. A man a few rows in front of Brian rushes from the theatre and returns with the manager. The manager told Brian he was disturbing other patrons and had to leave. Apparently people were afraid of a Ghostbuster ... who wanted to watch Ghostbusters.
Long story even longer, Brian offers to change clothes but that's not good enough and the manager leads him out. Because people are afraid of movie props. It's not like he was ARMED, it's a fancy backpack and a hose! Later, our hero calls Regal to say he's not 100% in love with the fact they treated him like scum and was informed it was their policy to remove people they think might be capable of a mass shooting ala James Holmes in Colorado.
Because a fan wore a costume to a movie. Now, I'm not an investigative journalist, I'm a rodeo clown with a radio show and a questionable news blog BUT I did call the theatre for comment and did not get one. Is THIS what we're becoming? No one freaks out when they see Storm Troopers outside of a Star Wars movie, and the Troopers are armed. Granted, Stormtroopers can't hit the broad side of a barn****… but you take my meaning.

Seeing someone in a Ghostbuster costume AT a Ghostbusters screening is completely sane and logical. It is the opposite to think your life is in danger. It's also insane to think a theatre manager asking a potential spree-killer to leave would avert a tragedy like what happened in Colorado. "Oh! I came to shoot up the place but nevermind now that I know I'm not welcome …" I can only assume the complainy pants man watching Ghostbusters who freaked out over a guy dressed as a Ghostbuster was, in fact, a ghost afraid of getting busted.

*We love our Brian but we do think he's a little crazy because of this. **
**I'm kidding Brian. ***
***We KNOW you're crazy.
****Sorry Daisy.
by Lisa Mason posted Sep 2 2014 8:00AM
The US wants to bomb ISIS in Syria – but instead we hit Al Shaabab in Somolia. That's Apple Maps for ya. Meanwhile, President Obama says calls to bomb ISIS targets are "putting the cart before the horse." And if anybody knows about carts, it's a guy who golfs as much as the President.

Fox 6 and Direct TV can't get along, so Direct TV customers no longer watch Fox 6*. Whaaaaat?! No Judge Judy tonight?! I'm not ashamed to admit I love Judge Judy – we're a lot alike (except I don't have a law degree, a TV show or hundreds of millions of dollars).

An 88-year-old transvestite-Republican is running for Congress in San Diego. I'm not sure about his platform, but I his platform shoes are to die for.

Singer CeeLo Green will do a little probation after pleading no contest to charges that he slipped a woman ecstasy without her consent in 2012. Green THEN took to Twitter to let us know he feels that "it's not rape if a person is unconscious." By that standard … if someone knocks CeeLo out and beats the heck out of him with a baseball bat it's not assault? We should test THAT theory.

It looks like it is finally calming down; ice buckets are being put away and our friends no longer look like they've been kicked out of a wet t-shirt contest. The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge generated more than $100 million in donations in a single month. Now let's see you do it in February.

And a few things you need to know …

In 1981, the United States officially recognized Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia. Wait. I thought those were Kardashians?

On this date in 1789, the U.S. Treasury was created. They're the ones who are in charge of the money our government doesn't have.


People are complaining that Hershey's new corporate logo depicting a streamlined Hershey's Kiss looks just like the emoji "poop" symbol. Hershey's claims their new logo looks nothing like poop, but they do admit it floats in a swimming pool.

Some hacker leaked a ton of nude celebrity photos over the weekend. Best way to keep nude pictures of yourself off the internet? Don't keep them on your computer or your phone. At lease we know we'll never see nude pictures of Lois Lerner.**

The city of Clay must today defend its decision to ban Pit Bulls. Turns out the ordinance passed last year might be unconstitutional. Center Point, Irondale, and Gardendale also have ordinances banning or restricting pit bulls, but not the type of person that is traditionally attracted to pit bull ownership. Which is why I won't patronize those areas. Judging from the comment section online (where faith in humanity goes to die), the ONLY problem facing the city of Clay is bands of uncontrolled Pit Bulls hell-bent on murder and mayhem. Glad they've solved all their other problems and have extra coin to spend on court costs. I get it: every dog is different just like the delicate and diverse citizens of Clay who are forced to live in unspeakable terror because Pit Bulls exist. Some Pit Bulls are jerks, like a lot of your coworkers, but arbitrarily classifying that and similar breeds under a "vicious dog ordinance" is just ignorant. Hera Mason isn't a Pit Bull BUT she'd be considered dangerous in Clay because of her breed. She would rather lick your face than eat your face. Me, however … you have more to worry about from me than you do my dog. Hera even put a sign on her door saying "Beware of Human."
Wow. Didn't mean to get ranty about Clay. Now excuse me while I go ask Two Men and a Truck about some missing items and money from my move…


*So you can't at present be told to text while driving to work by some skirt.
**Thankfully
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