March 1, 2015
12:58 am

Lisa Mason in the Morning

by Lisa Mason posted Feb 27 2015 9:08AM
The FCC has approved Net Neutrality, so the government will soon regulate your internet just like a utility. I'm against it, but maybe it will limit the amount of food pictures we have to see on Instagram.

Cullman County wants to use money left over from the 2011 tornado disaster to repair roads. Tell me, what is "leftover money?" Is that like "leftover wine?" Or "leftover chocolate?" No such thing.

Marijuana is now legal in Washington DC. Great. Now when a politician says they don't remember, it's probably true. Plus it will now take people at least five minutes to climb over White House fence unless they spot Obama's secret snack stash.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1801, Washington DC, was placed under the jurisdiction of Congress. That explains so much.

On this date in 1939, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that sit-down strikes were illegal. Protestors said they wouldn't take the news standing up.

And … the two incidents that yesterday broke the internet.

First, we have #TheDress. A picture was posted of a (not very pretty) dress and everyone is losing their minds trying to decide what colour it is. To me, it looks white and gold but to other (wrong) people, it looks blue and black. Society is imploding because to us "it's white and gold" people, if you squint your eyes the dress appears in blue and black. I just did it AND NOW THE DRESS IS BLUE AND BLACK. This is the way the world ends; with questionable ready-to-wear.

The second incident that caused a work stoppage was the wild run had by a pair of llamas in Sun City, Arizona. A black llama and a white llama ran amok thru the city proving that ebony and ivory DO go together in perfect harmony. Millions of people (who weren't arguing over #TheDress) were glued to the Great Llama Escape for hours until the critters were safely captured. The rampage began when the black llama told the white one they were going to escape and the white llama said, "Great! ALPACA bag."

Just remember, while we're all watching escaped llamas and trying to figure out what colour a dress is ... china is doing math and has nuclear weapons pointed at us.

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by Lisa Mason posted Feb 24 2015 8:38AM
With the threat of snow continuing, crazed shoppers have turned the milk and bread aisles of Publix into their own personal Benghazi. I always buy MY milk sandwiches pre-made. I don't want to issue an ultimatum here but either the winter goes, or I go!

There is a specific terror threat against U.S. shopping malls. Be vigilant! If you're at the mall and you SEE something, SAY something. Unless you're at LensCrafters. In that case, ask someone who can actually SEE to verify whatever you THOUGHT you saw.

BREAKING NEWS – they have changed the date of the World Cup from Summer to Winter! Remember the World Cup? Soccer? When millions of Americans left work early to watch countries they've never heard of play a sport they don't care about.

And a few things you need to know …

In 1903 the United States acquired a naval station at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Cuban officials said negotiating the contract was torture.

There's a new Dr. Seuss book coming out in July, and yes, it has been over 20 years since he died. This guy's the new Tupac. Working titles include; "How the Grinch Stole a Story Idea" and "Abercrombie the Zombie."

Starbucks has launched a home delivery service. Perfect for the ultimately lazy person who can't even brew their own.

TLC is working on a spinoff of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." My only question – why?

Little Caesar's has introduced a new Bacon Wrapped Crust Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza with basically 3.5 feet of bacon wrapped around the crust. Bacon is like the duct tape of the kitchen – it fixes everything. And if it can't – you should probably just throw it away.

And … One of my fellow Samford University grads has made Baron's list of top financial advisors in America! Jeff Roberts again made the top 5 advisors in Alabama on the national list. He also owes me lunch and didn't attend my birthday party – DESPITE being personally invited. NOR did he get his amazing handler Julie a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes for HER birthday this month. Let's see … Jeff is in Baron's magazine while another Samford grad, Tony Hale, won a freaking EMMY AWARD. Let me just say – thanks for making ME look bad guys. Actually – I only work 4 hours a day while those guys are hoofing it all day long. Yeah, take that boys. Work smarter!
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Location : Alabama
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 20 2015 8:13AM
Police in Harlan, Kentucky have issued an arrest warrant for Queen Elsa from "Frozen." I guess there's not enough true love in the nation to thaw it out. That's cute, but please Let it Go.

Nearly 200 patients at UCLA's Ronald Reagan Medical Center were reportedly exposed to a deadly drug-resistant "superbug." In case you were wondering how the beginning of the end of the world was going to go… here it is. Time to stockpile water and learn which wire starts the car.

The Oscars are this Sunday. Not many people know this, but I actually have an award. It's for "Best Performance Looking Busy in the Office on a Friday."

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1792, President George Washington signed the executive order creating the U.S. Postal Service. Up until that time, when people were really upset, they didn't know how to go.

On this date in 1962, John Glenn becomes the first person to orbit the Earth in the Friendship 7 space capsule. He had to orbit several times, as he had trouble finding a place to park.

Bill Cosby is thanking Eddie Murphy for NOT impersonating him on the SNL reunion show. Cosby says he plans to take Murphy out for celebratory special drinks.

This week saw the series finale of "Two and a Half Men." How many years was it on TV? About two and a half times as long as it should have been.

Rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested on burglary charges, proving his agent wrong when he said he "couldn't get arrested."

AND …A new health study says that acupuncture is less effective on skeptics. I don't believe that for a minute.
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Location : Kentucky
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 19 2015 8:07AM
Happy Chinese New Year to you and the Chinese government official currently hacking into my news blog. It's the Year of the Sheep, but it's going to take a few days for me to stop writing "Snake" on all my checks. I forgot to get firecrackers this year – you're supposed to toss them out your door to ward off evil spirits and bad luck. Yes, I bother with traditions from a country with nuclear missiles aimed at us.

Here we go again, nearly 100 patients may have been exposed to a drug-resistant Super Bug at Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center. THANKS A LOT, REAGAN. Wonder what they're distracting us from this time? Good thing it is the Year of the Sheep, we're gonna fit right in!

A survey says the approval rating of Congress is up to 20%. Probably because the number of congressmen included in the survey is up 20%.

Grizzly bears at Yellowstone National Park are emerging from hibernation a month early. Park visitors should avoid the bears because if they're anything like me when I'm woken up early; people risk being mauled or yelled at for leaving dishes in the sink overnight.

Pat Robertson says that Facebook is a tool of the devil. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present unto you the official last person on the planet to figure that out.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1881, Kansas became the first state to ban booze. No wonder the Wizard wanted out.

On this date in 1935, Tennessee voted to keep their anti-evolution laws. We're still not sure if that blocked the theory from being taught in schools, or if Vol fans had to stop evolving.

The Washington Monument is shockingly ten inches lower than before. The equipment manager for the New England Patriots says this is totally not his fault.

Director Michael Bay is making a movie out of the Benghazi attack.* "Benghazi" has been thrown around so much it's lost all meaning. Like last night, I completely Benghazied dinner.

And … Miley Cyrus' home is for sale. You can find out more from the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention under the Freedom of Information Act.

*Andrew Bellware you just stop right there. I can SEE you getting ready to post something about this.
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Location : KansasTennessee
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 18 2015 8:03AM
Time to get out and hit those After Westminster Dog Show sales!

Just curious: If Monday was President's Day, shouldn't Tuesday have been Vice-President's Day? And today would be Speaker of the House Day? I can't wait for you to open your President Pro Tempore Day president tomorrow. I'm taking Friday off, because that's what John Kerry would want.

President Obama says the law is on his side in the issue of letting thousands of people illegally in the US stay here. Confusion abounds over how one can be legally illegal. Huh? I wonder what his definition if "is" is. In another head-exploding story, Obama asked Congress for war powers, yet today Attorney General Eric Holder says the US is NOT in a "time of war." These guys come across so clueless even Google can't translate them.

Boston's mayor is begging his people to stop jumping out of windows into the piles of snow. What a party-pooper! They've all been stuck inside listening to each other's weird accents for three weeks with no way to get the cah to the bah.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1930, the planet formerly known as Pluto was discovered. Remember when Pluto was part of our Solar System? Kids, that's back when people used to write in a weird manner called "cursive" and "privacy" wasn't just a social media setting.

Hey film lovers! This was the day back in 1953, the first 3-D movie, "Bwana Devil," was shown in theatres. It was much better than the sequel, "Yes, we have no Bwanas."

In Omaha, Nebraska, a pizza delivery driver was robbed at gunpoint – but it's OK! The suspect was arrested in 30 minutes or less.

A rumor is buzzing around prior to the Oscars that some members of the Academy actually let their domestic help fill out their ballots for them. Good, maybe if normal people pick the winners there's a chance something I've actually seen will win.

And … Today is Ash Wednesday. Be honest – did Tuesday make me look fat? One of the most popular Mardi Gras drinks in New Orleans yesterday was the FEMA. No one knows what is in it, but it hits you a month later.
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Location : BostonNebraskaNew OrleansOmaha
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 17 2015 8:15AM
Snow and ice in DC has shut down all government functions. How can they tell a difference from any non-snow day? You know what I like best about winter? Nothing. I've got layer upon layer and am still freezing because the AC is on in my studio. I'm tired of taking off my clothes and being marked by them.

A passenger on board an Alaska Airlines flight from LA to Portland was stung by a scorpion. The wildest thing about this story is that the scorpion had enough room to turn around and do that.

It's Mardi Gras! The New Orleans parades are getting underway but the FEMA float isn't expected to arrive till Labor Day. You know you've been to a wild Mardi Gras party when you wake up on a sidewalk and the only things in your pockets are your car keys and a court summons.

Mars One, the Netherlands-based company, has selected its 100 people who will compete to be the crew on a one-way trip to Mars. Sadly, no Kardashians are involved, but if we're lucky we might be able to get Kanye on board.

And … it was on this date in 1801 a tie had to be settled in the race for President. The results? Thomas Jefferson was elected president and Aaron Burr got the vice president gig. Yep; Jefferson won, Burr was the loser and made vice-president ... and a tradition was born. They also voted Keith Richards as Best New Recording Artist.

Been meaning to add this; I forget that there is a "comments" section on here and it's once in a blue moon I remember to look. You can always contact me at or hit me up on Facebook, where I will probably never see your private message because currently my Personal Assistant is my dog, Hera. Speaking OF dogs, I have not yet watched the dog show from last night so NO SPOILERS!
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Location : LouisianaNew OrleansPortland
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 16 2015 8:23AM
Snowpocolypse … later. If you ran out to buy milk and bread, then I hope you like milk sandwiches because Central Alabama isn't getting any snow today.

It's Presidents Day -- the day we honor the great leaders of our nation by going out and checking to see if the mail's here yet, 2 or 3 times, before remembering it's Presidents Day and the mail isn't coming.

With two new additions, we're getting closer to the point when it will be easier to count the women who haven't accused Bill Cosby of anything.

A 20 year old American has been gored by a bull during a festival in Spain. Don't worry; the man will recover and likely go on to do many more stupid things. The animal is fine, but was chided for bullying. I won't steer you wrong with this story; bullfighting is cruel and many PETA members are having a cow over it.

Ana a few more things you need to know …

On this date in 1959, Fidel Castro became President of Cuba. While "president for life" seems a bit harsh, think of all the election years and debates they didn't have to suffer through.

Watching the footage of the Weather Channel's Jim Cantore freaking out over thundersnow – are we sure all that white stuff around his nose is really snow?

Remember the old TV commercial asking how many licks it takes "to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?" The conclusion was, "The world may never know." Turns out that was a lie because scientists have figured it to be about 1,000 licks. How is that cure for cancer coming, guys?

With Valentine's candy now half off – we only have 363 more days till we have to be thoughtful toward our loved ones again.

Google is reportedly designing a sensor that tells the wearer when they have body odor and steers them away from any friends. Now, if they could just come up with a "Co-worker over-did her perfume again" alarm, we'd be set.

And … My bologna has a first name, it's "C-R-A-S-H!" The famous Oscar Mayer Wienermobile slipped off the road in Enola, Pennsylvania and slammed into a pole. That'll teach the driver a lesson trying to hot-dog it when his driving didn't cut the mustard. Poor guy because he ended up freezing his buns off in the cold. Now, he has to ketchup just to stay on schedule! I bet he doesn't relish that idea, not to mention that his boss will be very frank when he gets grilled over the accident. One more thing, the driver will be fine but for a minute officials thought they'd have to amputate his leg. Where? Bologna.
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by Lisa Mason posted Feb 13 2015 8:37AM
It's Friday the 13th! The scariest day of the year, unless of course you forget tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I'll take Friday the 13th over Monday the 15th any day; I'm not superstitious but I DO hate Mondays.

On the heels of the cease-fire announcement, members of the Ukrainian parliament got into a knock-down-drag-out fistfight. Peace; they're doing it wrong.

Congress will likely grant President Obama's request for a fresh war in the Middle East against ISIS. This is historic! Not the war part, just Obama and Congress actually speaking to each other.

China's president is planning to make his first official visit to the U.S.. If you get to meet him while he's here, the proper way to address him is "Landlord."

San Diego is THE hotspot of the measles outbreak. It's believed someone is further spreading the virus by riding public transportation. Great, we've found Johnny Measleseed.

And a few things you need to know...

In 1633, Italian astronomer Galileo went on trial for saying the Earth actually revolved around the Sun, not the other way around. He was the first winner of the "I told you so" award.

Starbucks claims that saxophone star Kenny G. helped create the Frappuccino. Create? No way, but he might have been instrumental.

Expedia has bought Orbitz. I hope the new company will be named Exbitz.

Sorry Birmingham, the Democratic National Committee has selected Philadelphia as the location of their 2016 Convention. Now we'll have to watch legislators pretend to enjoy cheesesteaks. Buy hey – Philly couldn't get those World Games that we landed!

And … Brace yourselves; 50 Shades of Grey movie crap is coming. Spoiler alert: the main torture in the book is the writing. And it's boring. And not terribly unique. When Shades of Grey got up to 50 it started getting junk mail from AARP and eating dinner at 4:30 just like everyone else.
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by Lisa Mason posted Feb 12 2015 8:30AM
President Obama asks congress for war powers in order to fight against ISIS. Wow, the Nobel people are seriously going to ask for their Peace Prize back this time. Meanwhile, Anonymous says it has shut down dozens of social media sites ISIS was using to actively recruit. If you aren't familiar with Anonymous, they are a large hacker group who are welcome to hack this blog today if they can make it funny.

3 winning Powerball tickets were sold in Texas, North Carolina and Puerto Rico … I'm pretty sure I have beloved relatives in all three places.

Alabama Psychiatric Services is closing for good this Friday. This leaves around 28,000 people statewide without access to mental care. With the gay marriage debate, the awful weather and thousands of Alabamians off their meds … it's going to go all Thunderdome up in here next week.

Even though he completely ripped on Alabama on the Daily Show, many are upset that Jon Stewart is leaving Comedy Central. Now you'll have to get your fake news from MSNBC like everyone else.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1554, Lady Jane Grey, who had been Queen of England for all of nine days, was beheaded for treason. And you thought YOUR company retirement plan was awful.

Today is the actual birthday of Abraham Lincoln! Why aren't we off?

Today is Friday the 13th Eve! DO you open your luck tonight or wait till in the morning?

Hey guys -- A survey says the average amount of money that will be spent on Valentine's Day this year will be $142. And that's not including what your wife has already spent on the present that she got herself for you to give her.

Charlie Chaplain's first Oscar has been stolen. Police are investigating Kanye West. You know how he is about awards that Beyoncé doesn't get.

And … New Hampshire police have issued an arrest warrant for Punxsutawney Phil because of the mountains of snow they are under. Pretty sure that the Punxsutawney PD won't honor a warrant from an out of state jurisdiction, but maybe we should put Phil in a safe house until the snow melts. The way things are going in the northeast, that will probably be sometime in July. Remember little groundhog – you have the right to an attorney, problem is yours hasn't been able to dig himself out of his snow-buried house yet.
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 11 2015 7:51AM
This gay marriage debate is really helping me clean out my Facebook Friends list. I've never seen such nastiness on BOTH sides of an issue. Can we all try to be decent to each other just for once? Yeesh.

Jon Stewart dropped the bombshell that he is leaving the Daily Show on Comedy Central. Now my liberal friends will have to get their news from another source. Maybe Jon will take Brian Williams' job. NBC has suspend him for six months because of Liar-gate. Suspended? Over what? A pool of sharks to make sure he's telling the truth?

The Powerball jackpot is over 485 million dollars, I have a ticket and will totally share my winnings with you – unless I actually win.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1993, President Clinton appointed Miami prosecutor Janet Reno to be the nation's first female attorney general. Wait a minute. He was a chick?

Marvel Studios says Spider Man will appear in the next Captain America film. Poor Spidey needed some good news, he's got PTSD from being in so many terrible movies.

The University of Michigan has spent $16,000 on a program telling students not to say offensive words. Couldn't you save the money and tell them to pretend to be talking to the Pope?

And … Google is showing off a new robotic dog. I like the idea of having a robot dog buddy for Hera Mason, although I wouldn't want have to pick up poop-batteries out in the yard all the time.
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Location : MiamiMichigan
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 10 2015 8:00AM
OK – didn't we have a war back in the 1800's over states' rights? Same gender marriages are now legal in Alabama, but we've got the state constitution saying one thing, the feds saying another, our Chief Justice saying, "ignore the fed thing" while the governor is saying, "ignore the Roy Moore thing" and then Clarence Thomas chimes in about something else. The state is now one giant law school final exam question. What's Judge Judy's take on this? I'm cool with anyone getting married (unless I have to buy a wedding present). I will say this; before you rush out to get married today, listen to your significant other chew while he/she eats. Can you live with that irritating mouth noise for the rest of your life? If yes, congratulations! You found a keeper!

New England and New York just got buried under their third snowstorm in three weeks, and another is on the way. Desperate parents up there are at the cabin fever-stage of making Nyquil pudding for the kids trapped inside with them.

After drawing criticism for telling Christians to get off their "high Horses," President Obama is again raising eyebrows by saying the recent Paris terror attack was just a random crime and that ISIS still isn't a big deal. If he keeps talking like this, he could be charged with impersonating Joe Biden.

World leaders are still debating giving weapons to Ukraine. Vladimir Putin is warning everyone that if we arm Kiev, it will be considered an act of war with Russia. Is it cold in here or is it just the war? Anyway, if nobody helps arm the Ukrainian forces fighting Russian-backed rebels … there soon won't be any Ukrainian forces left. So the issue is moot then?

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1763, France gave Canada to England, for a couple of draft picks and a cheese to be named later.

So, now we're finding out that Brian Williams asked a girl to his senior prom in high school and she actually said "Yes!" He was not shot down as he reported earlier.

The Powerball jackpot is up to 450 million dollars! Winning that much money wouldn't change me in the least – I'm already rather bratty. I DO have a ticket on the way, but if it's the big winner, don't expect me to quit my job. No, I'll stick around and act completely obnoxious until they fire me.

And … happy birthday to my Mom! Love you. I hope you like the card I haven't sent you yet because I was too busy laughing at cards online that were too inappropriate to send you.
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 9 2015 7:58AM
Took some Nyquil last night for my cold. I think I got the defective Nyquil -- I was awake all night. Why am I telling you this? Because this program won't let me publish a post unless there is text right here. And I have to post something, otherwisemy parents call and ask where the news is.
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Topics : Human Interest
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 6 2015 8:32AM
Jordan's King Abdullah tells ISIS, "I'm coming. And Hell's coming with me!" Jordan has launched airstrikes against ISIS training camps to avenge their pilot who was gruesomely murdered by the terror group. The entire kingdom is rallying together pledging to wipe the ISIS scum from the face of the Earth. Meanwhile, President Obama is going to ask Congress to authorize military force against what he called the "Junior Varsity Team." Sorry if you're a BO fan, but right now ONE guy is looking pretty presidential … and it's King Abdullah.

He refuses to admit it was a lie, but news anchor Brian Williams is backing away from his claims that he was shot down in a chopper while covering stories in Iraq. Williams is now recalling the time he made the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs and busted Princess Leia out of the Death Star.

Do we HAVE to talk about the weird vaccination topic? I don't think the government should force parents to do anything, because it opens up a big fat door to all sorts of gobbledygook interference into our rights and freedoms. This whole annoying topic reminds me why I don't take my dog to Do Dah Day. That's the big event we sponsor benefiting local animal charities. Everyone brings their pets and SO many people do NOT vaccinate their dogs or give them proper nutrition, preventative medicine or baths; I won't bring Hera because I love her and don't want her to get sick. Dr. Mike, my vet, once told me he sees DOZENS of sick animals every year right after Do Dah Day. I guess the point of this is; if you don't want ("want" not "can't") to vaccinate, then you shouldn't be shocked when little Mackenzye or Edward comes home with the measles. Also, keep them away from my dog.

It's expected that Brian Williams will not step down or be fired, and that he'll keep his job as chief news anchor at NBC, after a week-long suspension. Network sources confirm that Williams will spend those 7-days doing special reports at MSNBC where lying is not only allowed, it's encouraged.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1971, astronaut Alan Shepherd hit three golf balls on the moon. Big deal, the moon is a par 2. He was one over.

Hey -- remember that time Brian Williams was shot while attempting to assassinate Castro? Oh. Well HE might remember it.

A Chinese teenager cut off his own hand to cure his Internet addiction. Apparently unplugging the computer never crossed his mind.

Lindsay Lohan and her mom have filed a lawsuit against Fox News for defamation. You may not be into Fox, but what could they possibly have said that wasn't already common knowledge?

The second largest health insurance company in America, Anthem, says their latest hacking breach jeopardizes the security of thousands of their client's records. Cyber experts say this is the worst anthem hacking since Rosanne Barr sang the "Star Spangled Banner."

Scrambling to regain any shred of credibility, Brian Williams is hoping his former fans will fondly remember the time he saved the Ark of the Covenant form the Nazis. We owe him a great debt indeed for his courage.

Red Alert! Valentine's Day is a week from tomorrow! Dinner reservations should have already been made if you're planning to commemorate your annual romantic obligation.

And … Four men in Orange County, Florida were arrested last Saturday after cops found them all asleep with four dead deer inside a stalled Mini Cooper. Four guys and four deer inside a MONI COOPER? The guys had gotten high and passed out after a night of illegal hunting. What is this? The plot of the next Seth Rogan movie I refuse to see? I remember the time Brian Williams went illegal hunting. He came across a downed Cessna with a stack of stolen mob money inside. Good thing Bill Paxton was there to help him out.
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 5 2015 9:22AM
Jordan isn't playing. They're ready to blow ISIS back to whatever existed before the Stone Age. Some of our lawmakers are urging President Obama to increase military aid to Jordan because, hey; if Jordan's cool with going to war, then maybe they'll kill ISIS FOR us. Anyway, President Obama is thinking long and hard about sending the aid. So much so he nearly chipped a shot on the 9th hole.

A former ISIS hostage says in the entire time he was held captive, he NOT ONLY never saw a single ISIS terrorist reading from the Koran, he never even saw a single Koran in the encampment! This amazes me. Not that this guy never saw a Koran, that he's still alive!

Some democrats in DC are worried because Hillary Clinton is polling massively negative numbers. Hillary's negative rating numbers are so high, doctors are recommending putting them into a medically-induced coma.

And a few things you need to know …

Walt Disney's "Peter Pan" was released on this very day back in 1953. What I always loved about the Peter Pan story was that it had such a good Hook.

Bruce Jenner is officially transitioning into a woman. It's quite obvious; he now leaves the toilet seat down and started throwing his dirty clothes IN the hamper instead of leaving them on the floor BESIDE the hamper.

A new study shows that the number one cause of stress is money. Number two has to be the number of studies that constantly tell us what's wrong.

Author Harper Lee says she was NOT, in fact, pressured to write a sequel to "To Kill a Mockingbird." Oh? So the fact that Scout is now a sparkly teenage vampire dating a werewolf is Lee's idea?

A new study of blogs says the average readership of the average blog is just one person. And to further ruin your day bloggers, that one person is just you correcting your mistakes! Trust me. I'm the only one reading this right now!

And … The Walking Dead returns Sunday night! Not to give anything away, but it turns out Rick finds a cure for the zombie virus but won't give it to Carl because he's all #AntiVaccine.

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by Lisa Mason posted Feb 4 2015 8:34AM
I made the mistake of clicking the link to the Jordanian pilot that ISIS killed. I also googled a Nicki Minaj song title and immediately regretted that as well. I don't think even the best horror writers can come up with the twisted things that go on in the headlines. I knew better to click the link (the pilot, not Nicki Minaj), but did it anyway. Guess it's those vaccines I had as a child kicking in.

The House votes to repeal and replace Obamacare. President Obama promises to veto that. I'll be his second big veto since he and Congress vowed to work together. Guys, you're doing it wrong. They're all about as effective as Katy Perry's "Left Shark." (to be fair, the "Left Shark" was only at the Superbowl so he wouldn't get fined). Meanwhile, the House and Senate passed the "Vet Suicide Prevention Bill." It's headed to President Obama's desk. Of course, Obama has a big golf outing set for today so he'll probably just cut to the chase and add an "o" at the end of "Vet."

A European model predicts another winter storm for the Northeast. Well played, Gisele Bundchen. Well played.

Not to have its fame pushed aside by the measles, the first large-scale Ebola vaccine trial began this week. I can't bring myself to make another Ebola joke, I'm SICK of it. I'd make an ILL attempt to write a punchline but it probably wouldn't go VIRAL.

Unless something happens by Monday, same gender couples in Alabama will be able to have a 50-50 chance of losing half their stuff in a nasty divorce. Here's an idea: can we get gay married if we're straight? Say you have a friend who needs health insurance. Could you "marry" them so they could be on YOUR company insurance? Granted, you'd have to get gay-divorced before you could get straight-married to someone else because polygamy is a different thing. Yesterday I saw a clip of some insane women on that insipid show "The Bachelor." If I'm the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals, I'm going to rule that NOBODY has the right to get married EVER based solely on "The Bachelor."

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1789, George Washington was unanimously elected president of the United States. That must have been tough to be elected and not have a previous administration upon which to blame everything.

Google executives are planning to introduce what they say will be an improved version of Uber. I say we start calling it "GOOBER" now! I'll go register the domain name and copyright it so they'll have to buy it from me. In theory, this works the same way as the popular ride-sharing service, except with Google involved, you have to search for your car.

Charles Manson and his fiancé took out a wedding license a couple months back, but have yet to hold the wedding and the license is about to expire! It's probably safe to return that crock pot you got them. The prison wedding planner they were going to use says this is simply a case of "Altar-Skelter."

The Seattle Seahawks will offer their star running-back Marshawn Lynch a contract extension that will double his current deal. Lynch just wishes they would have given him the ball at the end of the game.

Speaking OF Seattle, they get their first marijuana-dispensing vending machine this week. And you got mad before when the Doritos got stuck...

And … Terrence Cody, the beloved "Mt Cody" of Alabama fame, lost his job with the Ravens thanks to being indicted on animal cruelty charges. It involves a dog, weed and an alligator. Now Cody must face a lot of liti-gators.
by Lisa Mason posted Feb 3 2015 8:44AM
Time to hit those After Groundhog Day sales.

The White House was briefly locked down this morning after an unattended package was left in the adjacent park. Turns out President Obama had just ordered some cigarettes off line and had them delivered to the park in case Michelle was watching. "If anyone asks, tell them they're for Biden!"

In just one month, the US already has more cases of measles than we see in an entire year. Quick! Somebody appoint a Measles Czar. Then appoint a Grand Vizier or a Duke or something to oversee all the random Czars we have who aren't really doing anything.

Scientists say a new sleep study shows adults need 7-9 hours of sleep to be at their best, a number unchanged from a previous study. Are they even bothering with a cure for cancer anymore?

AOL is laying off 3% of its workforce. Most were informed online by a robotic voice that said, "You've got layoff!" Kids, you'll have to ask your parents what AOL was. Is? Actually, AOL just suffered a security breach. At least 15 parents were affected. (There was no such breach, Mom and Da, it's an AOL joke).

The NTSB says "selfies" are to blame for a fatal plane crash near Denver. A GoPro camera found near the wreckage contained footage of the pilot and passenger snapping self-portraits during much of the flight. Nope. Selfies were not to blame: two idiots playing with their phones are to blame.

Gas prices are expected to start climbing back up thanks to a bunch of jerk refinery workers on strike, but we should be able to keep it under $3 a gallon through the end of the year. Wow! Gas is under three dollars a gallon and Suge Knight is in jail for murder! It's like we're back in the 1990's!

In the months following the suicide of Robin Williams, his widow is behaving with quiet dignity and grace. Just kidding – she and his kids are fighting over his estate.

It was a pretty rough Groundhog Day yesterday; the Mayor of Wisconsin was bitten by his city's groundhog then read the prediction wrong. He also seemed surprised that a wild animal is pretty grumpy when you wake it up and make it stare at the sun. I'm the same way. At least de Blasio in New York managed not to kill anything this year. Except hopes and dreams and all that kind of junk.

And … Birmingham Bill, the city's official groundhog was nowhere to be seen yesterday. Why? Birmingham Zoo officials say Bill is "taking this year off." Wow, dude. You had ONE JOB. Ugh! Typical Birmingham City employee – Bill's probably partying down in Gulf Shores using his sick leave. You mean we don't have a stunt groundhog we can call in for the SINGLE LOUSY DAY A YEAR he has to work? What are we supposed to do now? Use science to predict the weather???
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