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Lisa's Morning News 11-13-13 It's Wednesday the 13th! Awwww .. doesn't have the

by Lisa Mason posted Nov 13 2013 7:58AM
The situation is grim. People are pleading for help, yet no aid is available to devastated millions. Relief workers say there’s simply nothing they can do for Did I say I meant to say the Philippines. Anyway, I think I just signed up for Obamacare. I was trying to learn how to cook in time for Thanksgiving and called the 1-800 number. That Butterball Turkey Hotline really IS efficient.   Too bad these jokes aren’t.
Former President Bill Clinton is urging President Obama to keep his vow that Americans can keep their health care plans. Because if there's anybody who's an expert at keeping vows, it's Bill Clinton. While Republicans were lambasted for suggesting a delay in Obamacare, Slick Willy is receiving praise from Democrats up for reelection. Like it or not, Bill’s quote will go down as historic. However, “Let them keep their health insurance” isn’t as flashy as “let them eat cake” but the sentiment’s the same.      

The CEO of Chrysler is moving over to Maserati. His drive to work is also going from 25 minutes to just one.  

American Airlines and US Airways merging. What will the new flying behemoth be called? I hope they go with “Airlines Airways.” They’ll be able to lose your luggage twice as fast.

Someone at the U.S. Post Office is finally thinking of a way to make money. You know what just went on sale? Harry Potter stamps. I’ve said for years that in order to turn a profit, our government should shoot a Harry Potter movie that also features sparkly vampires and Iron Man.  

Unofficial LensCrafter spokesmodel Sarah Palin criticized Pope Francis this week as a "liberal" who's made statements that "take (her) aback." Too bad the Pope can't make statements that take her AWAY.

Alabama is getting hit with the flu harder and earlier than our neighbors. Healthcare providers say get a flu shot and get it now. I’ve never had a flu shot but am considering it after catching the flu last year. I was so sick! I walked into the doctor, he took one look at me and asked “flu?” I told him “No, I drove here.” Ba dum tsssss!

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1875, football players in the Harvard/Yale game were the first wear uniforms. Let’s just assume they wore some kind of clothing prior to this. 

On this date in 1942, the minimum draft age was lowered from 21 to 18. That was back when fake IDs went the other direction: "21? Nope! I'm only 17!"

The viral music video, "What Does the Fox Say" is being turned into a children’s book. I know what the Fox say! It's, "We Report, You Decide."  Right? Hello?

With Thanksgiving looming, a New Hampshire poultry farmer says he makes his turkeys fat and juicy by feeding them beer. And on slaughter day, he tricks the turkeys by saying, "I have a wonderful cure for that hangover headache."

The as of yet unopened One World Trade Center will have the fastest elevators in the Western Hemisphere, they’ll travel 2,000-feet per minute. WOAH! How tall do you have to be to ride these cars? Will they be manned by carnie's? There’s already criticism though: if the fancy elevators in One-WTC ever shut down, the facility will become nearly as useless as the U.S. Capitol Building.

More trouble for the Bieb, after projectile vomiting onto the crowd during a concert. We're not sure yet how Justin Bieber's illness will affect his South American tour. Asked if he would perform shows in Uruguay, Justin replied, "No, you are!"

A New Jersey homeless man found $850 dollars on the street last spring, and turned it in. When the cash wasn’t claimed, police let him keep it. Now, he’s losing his government benefits because of the “additional income.” That sound you hear is faith in Humanity circling the drain.

And … Russian officials say journalists will be banned from tweeting at the Winter Olympics there. Oh, sure, completely overlook twerking.

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11/13/2013 7:58AM
Lisa's Morning News 11-13-13 It's Wednesday the 13th! Awwww .. doesn't have the same ring to it.
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