February 27, 2015
5:46 am

Lisa Mason in the Morning


Lisa's Morning News 11-14-13 No spellcheck, vague content, little research. Let'

by Lisa Mason posted Nov 14 2013 7:58AM
With news the healthcare site WON’T be ready by the end of the month, President Obama says he's sorry that some Americans have lost their healthcare in the same way that we're sorry he can't run for a third term. The Dems are turning on the law, and the Reps are … no one can tell what the Reps are doing. A doctor who frequently appears on Fox News says the problem with America is that too many people have health insurance. I believe the physician's name was Dr. Josef Mengele Jr.

Aid workers in the Philippines are being asked to be self-sufficient. Local authorities are struggling to distribute supplies and maintain law and order in many areas, yet some relief volunteers are complaining there’s no place for them to stay. You know what? I’m going to stop reading news one of these days. This just makes my head hurt.   

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford says that he'll seek "reelection," "not rehab." Fat, drunk and addicted to crack is no way to go through office, Rob.

Not content with recently being named the most powerful person alive by Time Magazine, Russian President Vladimir Putin joins the ranks of the most elite martial artists. He’s been awarded a ninth Dan ranking in Taekwondo. Yep. Putin could kill you with his bare hands ... but why bother when you have A) people to do it for you B) Polonium?

Need to raise your blood pressure again? Rino's Pizzeria in New Jersey wins the Jerk Award of the day. 38-year-old disabled Army veteran Jeff Hall was asked to leave the restaurant because of his service dog Cooper. Rino’s owner, Salvatore Massa, is apparently unaware it’s a federal offense to deny access to someone with a service dog. Massa also says people are “overreacting” by outraged calls to boycott his establishment. BTW – Hall and Cooper were thrown out … on Veteran’s day. #Boycott

The Tuscaloosa school board vote buying scandal is over. Judge James Roberts ruled that Kelly Horwitz’s team didn’t possess sufficient evidence to overturn the election. No word on whether Judge Roberts got the same offer of free drinks for this verdict as students did to vote.

Scotland Yard has ruled out foul play in the case of a British secret agent whose dead, naked body was found padlocked inside a gym bag. I believe them. That's how my friends and family prefer to travel with me on long trips.  Just remember to put air-holes in the gym bag. Otherwise, your carry-on can turn into carrion.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1832, Charles Carroll, the last surviving signer of the Declaration of Independence, died at age 95. The British had said, "Sign that document and die!" and eventually, he did.

On this date in 1968, Yale University went co-ed. Up until that time, women weren't allowed in the school, only in the dorms.  

Prince Charles turns 65 today. As a special treat, his wife -- Camilla Parker Bowles -- will take that sexy nightgown in her drawer, and leave it there.

After being at the center of yet another internet death hoax, William Shatner reiterates that he won't be appearing in any of the new "Star Trek" movies. However, several of the Tribbles in the next film will be played by his old toupees.

A pharmaceutical company has developed a deodorant that is bacon scented. Yep, that's what the world was missing.

Atheist mega-churches are becoming increasingly popular nationwide. Why? One of the biggest selling points about being an atheist was you didn't have to go to church! While everyone else does Thanksgiving Day, what do these guys celebrate? Thanks For Nothing Day? 

Denmark is still rated as the happiest country in the world, despite having the highest personal debt. Wait -- going into debt makes you happy? I need to get a credit card!

A new study says depression may accelerate the aging process. Well, then let’s not admit how that makes us feel. 

February 13th, 2015 is the new release date for the movie, "50 Shades of Grey."  Just in time for Valentine's Day, spank you very much.

And …  today we end with actual content! With this cold snap, the Greater Birmingham Humane Society needs your help to prepare animals for winter. They are collecting gently used dog houses to help those with pets, but no shelter for them. Houses can be dropped off at the GBHS on 300 Snow Drive, just off Oxmoor Rd in Homewood.

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11/14/2013 7:57AM
Lisa's Morning News 11-14-13 No spellcheck, vague content, little research. Let's hear it for journa
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