Lisa's Morning News 11-20-13 Introducing Heroinackajuana to People Magazine
by Lisa Mason
posted Nov 20 2013 8:21AM
The White House says Healthcare.gov won’t be working by November 30th. In other news, water is wet. HHS Secretary Kathleen Sibelius says “November 30th was never a ‘deadline.’” Oh! Sorry, saying the site would be fixed by the end of the month just kinda sounded a lot like a deadline.
A Birmingham Water Works employee has been arrested on several counts of theft. That bunch has really fallen low. Back in the day the arrest would have been for corruption, extortion, negligence, and EXTRA theft.
George Zimmerman is out on $9,000 bail in his latest domestic violence case, so he’ll be able to celebrate Thanksgiving dinner with his family. Although, George says he refuses to say grace because he can't stand that mean old Headline News lady. Sadly for Z-Man, he is no longer allowed to have weapons so he won’t be able to bag his own turkey this year. Unless he kills one by sitting on it. He’ll be back in court in January, what’s the over-under on how many arrests he’ll have till then? Seriously, I’m getting PTSD from having to hear his name.
Duck! Installation of the first 12 new flight information boards is underway at Birmingham-Shuttlesworth International Airport.
Butterball says there’s a shortage of extra-large fresh turkeys this Thanksgiving because the turkeys failed to gain weight. The turkeys are crediting exercise and the blue meth. Butterball isn't being terribly forthcoming on exactly why their turkeys didn't gain weight, but they're rethinking their policy of killing and freezing the largest turkeys in front of the live, still growing ones. Who cares? Everyone just wants Turduckens anyway. Just remember, safety first if you're deep-frying a Turducken. Always have an extinguisher ready, and be sure to learn the Heimlicken Maneuver.
It’s the Mystery on Bell Street! Human remains in an abandoned well beneath a home in Bessemer are now being tested by the coroner. The grim discovery was made by the homeowner’s daughter, who, having nothing else to do, went into the well. The funny* part was, when the woman announced she wanted to see the well her family asked, “What are you gonna do if there’s a body in it?” There was an awkward moment when the woman ran back upstairs and said, “There’s a body in it.” Dora the Well Explorer told police she knew the remains were human because of the clothing: jeans and an “Auburn University Hide and Seek Squad” shirt.
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1620, the very first baby was born to the Pilgrims on board a boat in the Massachusetts Bay. The couple named the baby boy Peregrine. The pilgrims were getting short on rations AND baby names.
50 years ago today, President Kennedy lifted the Cuban blockade, officially ending the Cuban Missile Crisis. About as close to a nuclear war anyone would want to get. He immediately reached for the Visine, as he wasn't able to blink for the previous two weeks.
Adam Levine has been named the “Sexiest Man Alive” by People Magazine. No, not the former Bush adviser of the same name. ** This is the guy from Maroon 5 and a judge on "The Voice." And the sexist guy alive. Really? Was every other male on the planet unavailable? Was his only competition George Zimmerman? Dude looks like he’s in recovery for heroinackajuana*** after surviving a typhoon. Maybe he was doing dishes when the votes were cast, since there’s nothing sexier than a man doing housework. ****
If you missed the news yesterday, they're filming a sequel to "It's a Wonderful Life." I believe it's called "It's an Incredibly Bad Idea." If only there was a way for God to show us how our lives would be improved if this sequel had never been born.
Jimmy Kimmel asked Barbara Walters this week which of all "The View" hosts through the years she liked the least, and Barbara said, "I don't like any of them." I guess that's why watching "The View" is as comfortable as attending the Cheney Thanksgiving Day dinner. (See? Cheney’s daughters have been feuding online and the straight one says she’s skipping Thanksgiving if the gay one is there. Yeah. It’s not funny unless you follow the Cheney’s on Twitter ... and even then it’s not funny).
Al Qaeda top man Ayman al-Zawahiri released a new audio-tape last week online. In the tape, al-Zawahiri doesn't make any overt threats to bring down America, he just encourages President Obama to, "Keep it up!"
And …“Selfie” has been named the 2013 word of the year by Oxford Dictionaries. AAA now warns of a dangerous new trend – selfies and driving. Hey, it’s not texting so it’s not illegal right?
**It might as well be
***It’s heroin mixed with crack and weed. Just ask Toronto’s mayor.
****Of his own free will, no gun to his head.
Filed Under :
Adam Levine, Ayman al-Zawahiri, Barbara Walters, Cheney, George Zimmerman, Healthcare, Jimmy Kimmel, Kathleen Sibelius, Kennedy, Obama, Peregrine