September 1, 2014
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Lisa Mason in the Morning

 

Lisa's Morning News 12-6-13 Hey Auburn, don't screw this up. TIA.

by Lisa Mason posted Dec 6 2013 7:51AM
Time to get out and hit those after-Hanukkah Sales! 
 
Unless you’ve been without power, in a coma, or live in a cave then you know South Africa’s Nelson Mandela died yesterday at age 95. He once said “It always seems impossible – until it is done.” Of course, he ALSO said “In my country we go to prison first and THEN become president.” Amazing individual –he used his nation’s sports obsession to promote reconciliation between whites and blacks? Over here one game can cause a divorce.  Even in death, Nelson Mandela has done the world a great service: Obamacare isn’t the lead story today.
 
You can only buy food at Jubilee Joe's Restaurant in Hoover today, now that guns and weed are off the menu. An 8 count indictment was unsealed yesterday following the arrest of owner Kashif Mohammed Siddiqui. I thought it was just a restaurant, but Jubilee Joe’s apparently also was some kind of laundromat. For money.
 
Some Somali gang members claim they have photos of Mayor Rob Ford using heroin. Now Ford is admitting he may have done heroin during one of his cocaine stupors.
 
It’s sad that some North Alabama towns are cancelling Christmas parades thanks to the threat of a downpour. But it could be worse -- a winter storm is wreaking havoc on parts of the country. From northern Texas to western Kentucky, residents are prepping for slow travel and interrupted services  AS ARE PEOPLE HERE WHO PAID FOR EXPITITED SHIPPING ON PACKAGES THEY WANTED YESTERDAY IN TIME FOR THE COMPANY HOLIDAY PARTY. Oh. And some people are really cold and having to cope with a lot of snow and stuff and it's very annoying.   
 
The Library of Congress announced this week that the vast majority of American silent films are now decayed, destroyed and gone forever. But don't worry; every season of "Jersey Shore" is available on Blu-Ray. They should have made silent movies out of those little plastic rings 6-packs of beer come in, those things last in landfills for decades!
 
A few handfuls of fast food workers went on strike yesterday for a higher minimum wage. So fast food service was slower than usual? Americans could starve!! OK, well, not "starve" but they could lose weight!
 
There will be no rape charges filed against Florida State Heisman-favorite quarterback Jameis Winston. It was decided Winston is only guilty of illegal hands to just about everywhere and an extremely late hit on a cheerleader.
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
 
The Roman poet Horace was born on this date in 65 BC. Besides poetry, he wrote many of the popular books of the day, including "See You Later, Gladiator" and the complete line of Dr. Zeus books.
 
On this date In 1790, Congress moved from New York to Philadelphia because even New York had their standards.
 
The NORAD Santa Tracker is catching flak from a group of complainy-pants parents because the website shows a picture of St. Nick with a fighter jet escort. This group says children shouldn’t know about things like jets because #stupidreasons and #whining. They need to face facts: Santa needs air support now more than ever! I’m not talking about a threat from Al Qaida or the Abominable Snowman ... with all the Amazon test drones and TSA spy satellites hovering around, Santa NEEDS a fighter escort just to find clear airspace. 
 
Islamic police in Nigeria destroyed 240,000 bottles of beer to enforce sharia law. I tried to temporarily transfer $75,000 from my personal bank account to a Nigerian prince to prevent this from happening, but something went wrong.
 
A new report says koalas can make mating calls that are only possible for a creature the size of an elephant. O…K..? Why is the NSA eavesdropping on koalas' mating calls?
 
And … Wal-Mart says that on Black Friday, they sold nearly 3-million bath towels. Because when you go Black Friday shopping, you really need something that can soak up blood. 
 
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