August 20, 2014
9:38 am

Lisa Mason in the Morning

by Lisa Mason posted Aug 20 2014 7:14AM
The cease fire in Gaza has crumbled. The place is starting to look as bad as Ferguson, Missouri. Speaking of, the Westboro Baptist Church says they're planning to picket in Ferguson. So it's officially a 3 ring circus now.

Conservatives are suggesting an indictment against Texas Governor Rick Perry is "banana republic* politics" coming right out of the Oval office. I don't know if Obama is behind it, but looking at his approval ratings, the president is the guy with one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. Or maybe it's just Michelle Obama practicing banana bread politics.

Phil Simms from CBS sports says he won't use the word "Redskins," during his broadcasts this year. Don't think this is a big thing. The Redskins suck, so Phil Simms won't be doing any of their games anyway.

The Princeton Review says that Vanderbilt University has the happiest students in the country. They obviously aren't the football season ticket holder students.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date back in 1914, the Germans occupied Brussels and quickly earned the nickname, "Brussel Krauts."

On this date in 1918, during World War I, Britain opened its offensive on the Western front. Suddenly, it was no longer all quiet.

It looks like fall is going to arrive a little early. You can get the Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks starting next Tuesday. My favorite urban legend making the Twitter rounds is that if you know if you say "pumpkin spice" in the mirror three times, a white girl in yoga pants will appear and tell you all her favorite things about fall. I adore pumpkin spice. I stockpiled pumpkin spice coffee creamer last year and I'm finally down to my last bottle AND I use it in my pumpkin spice coffee. Maybe I have a problem; I once sang "Wish You Were Here: while playing Rock Band and dedicated it to pumpkin spice.

The NFL says that performing in their Super Bowl halftime show is so profitable for the artists; the artists should pay them for the privilege. There certainly is lots of exposure. Just ask Janet Jackson.

And ... it's a sign of the End Times; TLC has ordered more "Kate plus 8" specials. Maybe she'll get lucky and one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single and likes crazy broads with too many kids.

*That's some sharply dressed politics!
Filed Under :
Location : BrusselsFergusonGazaMissouriTexas
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 19 2014 8:32AM
For the record, it took me an hour to do today's headlines and TWO HOURS to find a picture to post along with it. I couldn't find anything I liked so here is a picture of an awesome puppy.

A temporary cease fire in Gaza ended last night. President Obama urged both sides to exercise restraint. And both sides told President Obama they're hoping people in Ferguson, Missouri, do the same thing.

Don't you wonder how all those protesters in Ferguson have the energy to get up and go to work every morning? Attorney General Eric Holder is making a furiously fast trip to Ferguson. Oh great, now he's going to sell the rioters guns.

President Obama says Kurdish forces have recaptured the Mosul dam with help from US airstrikes. Okay, how does this help relieve the drought in California?

Several Hoover parents are up in arms over proposed rezoning. They say the move will lower property values because people will move to a certain home or subdivision because of the school they want their children to attend. Um… isn't how school zones work? I thought that's a main reason Hoover looks like a giant gerrymandered octopus on a map.

If your child uses essential oils for asthma or allergy relief – they're now banned in Jefferson County schools. Oh, you can still get a liver-killing Tylenol or birth control from the school nurse, but eucalyptus oil is right out.

And a few things you need to know…

On this date in 1960, the Soviet Union launched 3 dogs into space. Of course, they had to circle the earth several times before they could sit down.

This week in 1950, ABC began showing cartoons on Saturday morning. Those were the days! Now when I wake up on Saturday, I watch a few minutes of depressing news and just go back to bed. I felt much better when the worst thing that could happen was having a safe dropped on Wile E. Coyote.

Facebook is testing out a "satire" tag for feeds from places like The Onion because too many people mistake satire news for the real thing. There's a name for people like that.*

The creator of the pop-up ad, Ethan Zuckerman says he wants to apologize for the idea. I'd tell you more but an ad for a cheese grater was blocking the rest of story.

A German man with devil horn implants and 435 tattoos and body piercings was denied entry into Dubai because of his appearance. The man says that no one understands him. Well if he didn't have 20 tongue piercings maybe we COULD understand him. I have no idea what he's saying.

And … A UFO was spotted in the skies during a forest fire in British Colombia last week. Because aliens don't have Smokey the Bear to help them? The pictures are ridiculous -- it's like when someone sees a UFO they immediately rush to grab their poorest quality camera.

Filed Under :
Topics : Human Interest
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 18 2014 8:16AM

Today's Nearly Impossible trivia for CS&N tickets brought up a touchy subject; the thermostat. 65% of fathers will not let their kids touch it, marriages have fallen apart over it, coworkers killed over it. The thermostat *might* be the biggest threat to modern civilization since ISIS and the McRib combined. The only thing that comes close to the terrible power of thermostat control would have to be leaving unused time on the microwave. Not only is it freezing in here, but somebody left the break room microwave with :07 left on the cook-time. Seriously? Don't be a barbarian, clear the time if you take your food out early! Mainiacs!
Anyway, I could stay in here and write my news blog as I normally do but I only have my parka and one blanket and the Eagle studio has been hit by Winter Storm Tom (Tom's our engineer who refuses to hear my frozen pleas and locked my thermostat). See? Absolute thermostat power corrupts absolutely!
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 15 2014 8:04AM
Watching the news, I'm starting to wonder when we walked through a time portal and returned to the 1960's. Missouri Governor Jay Nixon yanked the St. Louis County cops command of the Ferguson riot scenes, and replaced them with the Highway Patrol. "Tin soldiers and Nixon coming, all there for the world to see. This summer I hear the drumming, 2 dead in Missouri." The protests over the shooting of Michael Brown have calmed since the Highway Patrol took over and I think that's just sup-pu-per, troop-pu-per.* Don't worry about the cops who were replaced though -- they can always get new jobs as Nazi storm troopers in World War II recreations.

With relief packages from the US, thousands of religious refugees in Iraq are escaping the onslaught of the extremist group ISIS aka ISIL aka IS.** They're escaping into Syria, which is like jumping out of the frying pan into a hotter frying pan that's on top of a different frying pan. Even with this, President Obama says the situation in Iraq is "improving" due to US help. Yeah, everybody is LEAVING. Obama just had his "Mission Accomplished" moment.

A Chinese phone company has announced that the name of their new phone will be the "Nana." Nothing says cutting edge of technology like naming a phone after your grandmother.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1939, the Wizard of Oz premiered. . It was a Toto success. In honor of its 75th anniversary, the first half of my morning show today was in black and white.

Woodstock opened on this date in 1969. The tricky thing about Woodstock: if you were there, you probably don't remember you were there.

Major League Baseball is considering playing some regular season games in Europe. It may be time to take out some insurance on all those stained glass windows.

There's a 200-pound butter sculpture of "Field of Dreams" star Kevin Costner on display at the Iowa state fair. They should have done it in margarine. "I Can't Believe it's not Costner!"

Why so little news today? Because I'll be with the Eagle tonight at the Alice Cooper concert and A) need a nap B) need to find something to wear. Welcome to my nightmare!***

*Gratuitous ABBA reference.

**Please decide on what the heck you're called.

***It's a song, Mom and Da.
Filed Under :
Location : IowaMissouriSt. Louis County
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 14 2014 7:39AM

I turned on the TV and saw violence, beatings, fear, oppression and hatred. Oh I'm not talking about Iraq; I'm talking about Ferguson, Missouri. The violent scene on the streets looks as if either the Rams or the Cheifs either won or lost the Superbowl.

The refugee situation in Iraq is nightmarish. But remember – you can't have a CRISIS without ISIS! President Obama says it's Bush's fault that he withdrew troops from Iraq. The president went on to blame Bush for the fact that Michelle won't let him order fried crab cakes in Martha's Vineyard.

The Ebola outbreak has claimed the life of another doctor in Sierra Leone. Aid workers are warned to avoid contact with bodily fluids from the infected. So normally they're cool with strangers throwing up on them?

A poll says that trust in the government is at an all-time low, with one in ten Americans saying they never trust the government. Now I wonder if the government just wants us to believe that?

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1900, China's boxer rebellion ended and citizens peacefully returned to wearing briefs.

Yesterday was National Lazy Day. Just couldn't get up the energy to tell you.

And … A riot broke out inside New York's Rikers Island after prisoners were sent to bed early and forced to miss their favorite TV shows. Just curious-- why are there any televisions in any prison to begin with? Isn't the idea to make criminals not like going there? I've never been to jail but I HAVE been stuck on a few group texts, I imagine it's pretty much the same.
Filed Under :
Topics : PoliticsWar_Conflict
Location : FergusonMissouriNew York
People : BushObama
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 12 2014 8:39AM
President Obama took the time to weigh in on the situation in Iraq before making an official comment on the death of Robin Williams. Obama says the US is NOT at war in Iraq. Oh, so those airstrikes, drones and weapons are just movie props? It is primarily a humanitarian mission though; thousands of refugees have fled the extremist group ISIS/L and are now trapped on Mount Sinjar with neither food nor water. Wow, I bet they're pretty depressed being trapped on something referred to as Iraq's "Mountain of Death." If only every celebrity on the rotten planet would Tweet about their situation. Sorry, it's getting ranty in here.

I wasn't going to talk about this at all. Yeesh. Robin Williams had three new movies coming out, a bazillion dollars, countless adoring fans and every posh resource for treatment/management Marin County (and the world) had to offer. And it's not like he was having to wake up and dig a ditch or get yelled at by the boss.
I'm not trying to belittle his depression and substance abuse, but there are thousands of people who wake up and think "why bother" yet they get up and go to work anyway. Through the pain, through the darkness, through the mind-forged horror, they don't let their disease kill them. And these are people without a secretary to take their calls, with no personal assistant to pay the bills, who don't have to clean the kitchen, who don't have money for treatment, who don't have a driver to take them home when the depression becomes too much to be out with friends, who aren't trapped on the "Mountain of Death" in Iraq.
Hmmm ... maybe I'm being needlessly harsh simply because Williams is famous. I DID like him in "Aladdin" though.

Big surprise here. Hamas broke their 3-day truce with Israelis by firing 50 rockets into Israel before the truce was over. Hamas is also launching armed drones and they say they'll resume suicide missions into Israel aimed at killing civilians. For the last several weeks, Hamas suicide attackers haven't gone into Israel because they were afraid they might get blown up by their own rockets and drones.

Remnants of a pipe bomb were found at a Colorado middle school. I know what you're thinking, but no, there wasn't any pot in the pipe. With Colorado these days, you can never be too sure.

Mayor Bill de Blasio has signed a bill dropping New York's city-street speed limit from 30 to 25 MPH. Well, there was a rumor that Tony Stewart was in the area.

The whole world is a hot mess; Iraq has ousted their nutty PM and the election in Afghanistan isn't progressing well. All the votes were divided between Abdullah Abdullah, Ashraf Ghani and Larry the Kabul Guy.

CNN's Baghdad correspondent, Arwa Damon has apologized for biting 2-paramedics while she was drunk. Those paramedics are lucky it wasn't a higher-level CNN reporter. If Wolf Blitzer bites you, you turn into a werewolf. Don't even ask me what happens if Anderson Cooper bites you.

And a few things you need to know …

In 1877, Thomas Edison recorded sound with his invention, the Edisonphone. He also invented the Edison-pod and the Edison-pad.

Someone leaked a copy of the yet-to-be-released "Expendables 3" and nearly 2 and a half-million people have already downloaded it. The good news for the film's producers is, the movie was so clichéd, most people thought it was "Expendables 2" and deleted it.

McDonald's reported its worst global sales since 2003, dropping 2.5%. The other day, I noticed their Happy Meals were now known as Only Mildly Amused Meals.

And … Millions of Facebook users are up in arms after being forced to download the stupid, annoying and crummy Messenger app. Which is horrible. I'm convinced Ebola is spread through Chat Heads. Seriously, I hate the Chat Heads. Half the people who contact me on FB Messenger I don't even know who they are but there's their little facey face just popping up on my screen! GAH! THEN I always accidentally press their stupid face-head and pull up the message and I KNOW they can see that I read it so they'll write back. Wait … can we go back to talking about rich people with depression and alcoholism?
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 11 2014 8:02AM
Millions of Facebook users are apparently now experts on Sprint Cup racing. Who knew?

The U.S. has resumed strategic air strikes in Iraq for the first time since 2011. ANOTHER summer sequel? Can't ANYBODY come up with an original idea? General Douglas MacArthur once said, "Old soldiers never die," so I guess the same goes for old wars. Along with airstrikes, the US is now arming Kurdish fighters in Iraq. If this keeps up they're going to make Obama hand that Peace Prize back.

No, you're not hallucinating; the latest cease fire is still holding in Gaza. Egypt has launched a Kickstarter campaign in order to fund Israel and the Palestinians with something to do besides kill each other. No one's ever been shot over a friendly game of Scrabble.*

A floating restaurant in Kentucky sank into the Ohio River. The restaurant owner said he suddenly felt like a homeowner.

The mother of Cooper Harris, who died after being locked inside his father's SUV, has been cleared and will likely not face charges. Leanna Harris says the issue of her husband's sexting while Cooper was dying is between "God and us." Actually it's between Tricksie, Pheonixxx and Selena and God and you, Leanna. Prosecutors say the only thing Leanna is definitely guilty of is acting so darn weird and creepy after Cooper was killed.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1919, the Green Bay Packers were born. Wow, that was more than three Brett Favre retirements ago.

A bedbug infestation has been found on New York City subway trains. These days, a train might not be the only thing you'll catch.

ABC has canceled "The Black Box." Wish I had known it ever existed, so I could pretend to care.

A Canadian production company will soon stage a new musical based on the life of Mayor Rob Ford. I believe it's called "The Best Little Crackhouse in Toronto."

And … Smokey Bear turned 70 years old on Saturday. Now instead of saying "Only you can prevent forest fires, he just shakes his fist screaming, "You kids get off my lawn!"

*That we know of
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 8 2014 8:22AM
BREAKING NEWS! The long feud is over! There will be no future fighting now that peace has been established. Paris Hilton Tweeted that her 8 year long spat with Kim Kardashian is over. It's your move Israel and Palestinians. If Paris and Kim can talk terms, what's stopping you?

Not only is Hawaii dealing with the first hurricanes in 22 years, yesterday they suffered a 4.3 earthquake. So, it's official. "Hawaii Five-0" has been downgraded to "Hawaii 4.3." Okay, that joke was criminally bad. Book me, Danno.

Israel is defending themselves against criticisms that too many civilians have been killed in the latest dust-up in Gaza, saying that Hamas uses Palestinian civilians as "human shields." Well, that's a move forward. At least one side is conceding that the other side is even "human." Baby steps! Meanwhile, the cease fire in Gaza is over – guess everyone had time successfully reload.

The White House says that they have powerful tools at their disposal to discipline Russia diplomatically for not acting in good faith on the world stage. Powerful tools? That's a completely disrespectful way to refer to Obama and Vice President Biden!

People in Russia are concerned President Vladimir Putin's ban on U.S. agricultural imports will take them back to the days when they had to stand in long bread lines. Putin told the complainy-pants to tighten their belts. Now they're standing in the line for belts.

It will be nearly two more weeks before half a dozen Tuskegee University students will be able to return from Liberia. They've been stranded there thanks to travel restrictions due to the deadly Ebola outbreak. You'd think anyone with ties to Tuskegee would know to stay away from heinously infectious diseases.

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1888, the revolving door was patented. Until then, companies with high turnover had to use regular doors.

On this date in 1876, Thomas A. Edison received a patent for his invention, the mimeograph. Copy that. If you're old enough to remember what that was, you might remember how the sheets smelled.

The FDA is warning that there could be some health risks with tattoo ink. Expect a disclaimer written on your lower back.

Dreamworks announced this week that they're planning to release "Madagascar 4" in May of 2018. Joe Biden asked, "Madagascar the continent, Madagascar the country, Madagascar the island or Madagascar the movie?" Meanwhile, 20the Century Fox/Dreamworks also announced more sequels, "The Croods," "Puss in Boots," "Captain Underpants" and "Hitman." Apparently that severe drought in Southern California also extends to original ideas.

New York's Museum of Natural History held an adult sleepover last week. It's rather sad that the only way to get Americans to go to a museum is to recreate Ben Stiller movies.

Buffalo is getting ready to host the National Scrabble Championship this weekend. I love Scrabble; it's the only game where someone will fight tooth and nail to convince you that Gloopaglottimus is a word.

And … NFL football is back! Last night it was the Patriots vs the Team Who Can't Be Named. It's been so long since I've seen American football, I couldn't figure out why the players were using their hands.
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 7 2014 8:10AM

Aloha Hawaii! "Birthplace of Obama (depending on whom you ask)!" They're set to get hit by two hurricanes starting today. Many hurricane parties have been cancelled due to hurricane. Poor Hawaii; they have a thousand words for "water" but not one word for "love."

Israel and Hamas are said to be at odds with one another over extending the current cease fire in Gaza. No kidding. Are we through the wormhole if they're actually fighting ABOUT fighting while not actually fighting but waiting to fight? I hear Saturday night's alright for it.*

The first senior leaders of Cambodia's Khmer Rouge to ever be punished have been sentenced to life in prison for crimes against humanity. Only took 35 years after their reign ended! Pol Pot murdered everyone he deemed smarter than himself, let's hope Joe Biden doesn't catch wind of that.

A North Carolina diner is offering a 15% off "Praying in Public" discount if customers give thanks to God before eating. Of course, if you're praying that your 'dine and dash' plan works successfully, sometimes God's answer is "You have the right to remain silent."

For the love. Lock your doors, people. Two homeowners in Ross Bridge awoke Wednesday morning to find their belongings missing. It's reverse-Christmas! Police say burglars entered the homes through unlocked doors. If I ever wake up to find a burglar in my house looking for valuables, I'll probably just get up and look WITH him.

Supporters yesterday held a mock funeral on the Edmund Pettis Bridge for portions recently struck out of the Voting Rights Act of 196fiiiiive YEAH. Wow! Fiiiive – yeah! WOW! Demon-warp is coming alive in 1965 - fiiive – fiiive! Gimme that, gimme that now! Gimme that, gimme that NOW! Gimme that, gimme that fiiiive – yeah! WOW!**

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1912, the Progressive Party nominated Theodore Roosevelt for president. Wow. I never knew soup had a political party. Oh, wait. That's Progresso. Nevermind.

A leading U.S. scientist says that aliens will be discovered within the next two decades or whenever you travel to Texas, Arizona or California. Whichever comes first.

Russian hacker-gangs claim they've stolen over 1 billion user names and passwords from U.S. internet accounts. I'm guessing if I can't remember 1 password, they can't remember 1 billion. Haha! Chumps!

Sharknado 2 is coming to movie theaters for one night later this month. That's good. Walking out of your house isn't as rewarding as walking out of a theater.

* It's a song, Mom and Da.
** It's a different song Mom and Da. It has nothing to do with the Voting Rights Act of 196fiiiiiiive YEAH! Wow! Fiiiiiiiive -- oh nevermind.
Filed Under :
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 6 2014 7:38AM
You wouldn't believe how brilliant today's news was going to be! Really; you wouldn't because you know me. I had the whole thing written and ready and then Word crashed. Not a big deal with the auto-recovery function, right? Well, if you click DELETE instead of the file you actually WANT then it's a different story. You're not missing much but a bunch of Bergdahl cracks and some stuff about Arby's.

I'm not concerned about Ebola getting out of Africa, I AM concerned about it getting into Atlanta though. Many Africans are complaining that the two American aid workers with Ebola were treated with experimental drugs that were not first offered to Africans with Ebola. Get in line, Africa! We ALL want untested drugs but not all of us live in Colorado or Washington. A West African child is the latest to be diagnosed with the deadly virus. Doctors told the boy, "You have Ebola." The child responded, "That's great! A bowl of what? I'm starving!"

Secretary of State John Kerry calls for fresh peace talks as Israel and Hamas meet in Cairo to talk peace. Wow. I'm gonna call for stuff that's already happening to happen.

First the Ebola crisis, and now this! Geologists say that the severe California drought could destabilize the San Andreas Fault, thereby causing horrific earthquakes. Plagues, droughts and earthquakes? Are there any virgins we could sacrifice?*

And a few things you need to know …

On this date in 1890, the electric chair was used in New York for the very first time on convicted killer William Kemmler. Needless to say, he was shocked.

Syracuse University has been voted the nation's top party school. Because blacking out is the new 'Orange'. They were going to receive a trophy, but no one was sober enough to accept it.

And … The official dictionary of the board game Scrabble has added 5,000 new words, most of them invented by Sarah Palin.

*Not in California
Filed Under :
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 5 2014 8:19AM
Bowing to international pressure, a binding truce has at last been agreed upon: the "Big Bang Theory" stars have agreed to go back to work in exchange for a great big bag of money.

This is odd: a cease fire that has actually seen firing cease. Israel is pulling out its ground troops while Hamas complains that the rest of the world is doing NOTHING about their situation in Gaza. Nonsense, Iran is doing a great job supplying them with weapons. Sorry, from this point on, I am observing a temporary cease-fire on Gaza jokes.

The second American aid worker infected with the deadly Ebola virus arrives in Atlanta today and residents concerned. It's OK! There are strict guidelines for transporting Ebola patients. First, identify the infected, then prep them for transport and place them on a Malaysian Airlines flight. Problem solved!

Alabama's new abortion law has been deemed unconstitutional. A bunch of old white men want doctors performing abortions to have hospital access to "ensure the safety of women." Um… aren't they doctors? If something goes wrong, there's a doctor right there. Why wait to be admitted to a hospital? Especially if that hospital is Brookwood because GOOODNESS it takes 3 hours just to get a mammogram there, I can't imagine an emergency situation. If Brookwood is involved, I'd rather take my chances with someone who's watched a few episodes of M*A*S*H.

New school food laws went into effect last month. Anything sugary, salty or fatty is banned even from bake sales. And it IS a law, so schools breaking that law will face penalties, unless they do what President Obama does regarding burdensome federal regulations ... just ignore the law. If they take all the sugary, salty and fatty foods out of public schools, gym class will turn into the Hunger Games.

And a few things you need to know …

It was on this date in 1620 that the Pilgrims left England, bound for the new world. It was just one day later that the phrase, "Are we there yet?" was born.

"Sharknado" star Tara Reid has launched a new fragrance line called "Shark". Just splash on a little and you'll feel like you can't act.

Turns out a blood clot is to blame for the death of Former American Idol contestant Michael Johns, I'd feel something about this if I remotely knew who he was.

A pro-marijuana activist claims responsibility for placing white flags on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. Everyone was shocked it wasn't France. Sorry Andrew B., it was all I had.

President Ronald Reagan's first White House press secretary, James Brady, who was shot along with Reagan by John Hinkley in 1981, has died at the age of 73. Although there will be no wake, his family is planning a Brady brunch.

And … In Sweden, a woman found IKEA bags with 80 skeletons inside. True to form, they were all unassembled.
Filed Under :
Location : AlabamaAtlantaGaza
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 4 2014 7:26AM

Atlanta is just ONE lab accident away from actually becoming the set of "Walking Dead." The CDC says having patients with the deadly ebola virus at Emory University Hospital is perfectly safe. Granted, this is the same CDC that apparently kept their smallpox samples behind the Pringles in the pantry instead of locking them up. The WHO is very concerned about the spread of the deadly virus, though I don't know why Roger Daltrey is involved with this.

It's an excuse for news anchors to quote Samuel Taylor Coleridge; Toledo's water is undrinkable due to toxins in Lake Eire. Toledo: the new Mexico.

This may have been a new record. Israel called for a 7 hour cease fire in Gaza, and then immediately shelled a beachside camp. Israel is condemning Secretary of State John Kerry for condemning their airstrikes, and now some conservatives are condemning the Obama administration for being pro-Hamas. Michelle Obama is unashamedly pro-Hummus.

Both houses of Congress are now on a 5-week vacation. Instead of going to Vegas to gamble, they're going to gamble and visit Gaza. If you hate the idea of not having Congress to gripe about for the next 5 weeks, you can always watch CSPAN's "Best of Gridlock" marathon.

And a few things you need to know…

The U.S. Coast Guard was founded on this date back in 1790. To their credit, not a single inch of our coast has ever been stolen.

On this date in 1926, the U.S. purchased the Virgin Islands, passing up a cheaper deal on the Floozy Islands.

They're trying to bring back the old game show, "To Tell The Truth." Obviously, no one from congress will be on it.

There's a new website called, that allows users to send anonymous emails to anyone, and it's already getting 10,000 posts a day! It's a free service but for $50 they won't eventually rat you out.

And … A Catholic priest in Poland, who recently performed an exorcism on a teenage girl, says that ever since, he's been receiving taunting texts from Satan. That's impressive! It's incredibly expensive to text from the 666 area code.
Filed Under :
Location : AtlantaGazaToledo
by Lisa Mason posted Aug 1 2014 8:07AM
Tensions are escalating to a breaking point despite international calls for peace and reason; Justin Bieber is making fun of Orlando Bloom on Instagram. Bloom took a swing at Bieber the other night almost punched him in the face, now Biebs is retaliating by acting like a 4 year old (which in his world is also known as "Thursdays"). The video of Legolas shoving Bieber and swinging at his face is making the internet rounds. With half the world at war and the other half getting ready to join in the war – Orlando Bloom has given us all a rare gift. Thanks, Orlando. You're still hot.

A three day cease fire is underway in Gaza, only 4 people killed so far during this one. I do not think "cease fire" means what they think it means but they're trying to move forward with the truce. Wow. While I was typing that last sentence the entire truce crumbled and they're back to fighting. One analyst I heard said "It's normal during a cease fire to test the other side's commitment to it." So it's normal to lob a few rockets around during a truce just to see if you get craphammered by an airstrike in return? That idea makes as much sense as a gloopiglottumus hydrangea-pig depository.

There's a devastating drought under way in Los Angeles. Today, the Department of Water and Power urged city residents to only fill their bongs with water on odd-numbered days. Right now, conditions in L.A. are drier than my own "comedy."

The TSA is offering a $5,000 reward for the best idea on how to speed up airport security lines. If you win, you'll get $1 a year for the next 5,000 years.

And a few things you need to know…

On this date in 1793, France became the first nation to switch to the metric system. You know the old saying, "Give 'em inch and they'll convert it to 2.54 centimeters."

I'm an idiot – I thought Sharknado 2 was the other night, then heard it was last night, but it was actually the other night. How sad is it that the NSA knows I have it on my DVR but I don't?

Production on "The Big Bang Theory" has been halted due to unproductive contract negotiations with cast members. The actors want to change the name of the show to "The Big Bucks Theory." Funny thing, actors; they'll hold out for more money to the point where they will lose the job all together.

And … "Game of Thrones" is adding 9 new characters to the show for the upcoming season. I'm guessing one of them will be Keith Urban because he already has a beard.
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Location : GazaL.a.Los Angeles
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