Lisa's Morning News (9-16-13) Late today due to breaking news
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 16 2013 9:40AM
Don’t expect to read any new news on this morning’s shooting at the Washington Navy Yard. It’s happening while I’m trying to post this. As of right now, reports say 10 are wounded, 4 killed and that one of three possible shooters is “contained.” The MSM fatality reports do not match those given in official releases so it's still a fluid situation Here’s hoping that the toll is revised downward.
The Colorado situation is dire; storms in the legalized-pot state are causing catastrophic flooding. Well, at least Colorado residents have proven they can hold their breath. Maybe Mother Nature is just trying to turn the whole state into a bong?
The Costa Concordia is slowly being lifted from it’s watery grave off the coast of Giglio, Italy. The cruise ship capsized last year when the captain turned too close to shore, killing 32 people for which the captain will stand trial. The Costa Concordia is currently reefed on it’s starboard side. If you don’t know the difference, “Starboard” means “right” in nautical terms. “Port” means “left” OR “the place you wish you’d never left when boarding a cruise ship owned by Carnival.”
Dina Lohan, Lindsay's mom, has been arrested for a DWI. Looks like the appletini didn't fall far from the tree.
Michelle Obama is in hot water about drinking water. Usually, the only hot water Michelle is in is a Jacuzzi on the taxpayer's dime. The First Lady is getting slammed by doctors for “overstating the benefits of drinking water” and for suggesting her husband can turn it into wine. Americans should drink more water? Sure, but how is this going to stop the oceans from rising? Hearing Michelle state that we’d all be better off with more water, people in Colorado replied, "Thanks! NOW could you throw us a lifeline?" Seriously, who doesn’t know to drink water? I go to a gym where brings two bottles of water. Although I'm pretty sure Dina Lohan has vodka in hers.
Over 2700 people have now paid up front to go on a one-way trip to Mars. Their only request: can we leave before Auburn has to play Texas A and M?
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1620, the "Mayflower" departed from Plymouth, England, bound for the new world. From the beginning the odds were against them: 102 people aboard and only two restrooms.
On this date in 1792 (or was it 82? I’ve already closed Wikipedia) the great seal of the United States was used for the very first time. It balanced a ball on its nose for almost 20 minutes.
The Barbie Dreamhouse Playset is on Wal-Mart's list of this year's top Christmas toys. Because, in the Obama economy, the only house many Americans can afford is the Barbie Dreamhouse Playset. They've dropped the word "Malibu" from the toy because not even 6-year-old girls want to move into Mel Gibson's neighborhood. Mattel was pretty sick of having to include the instructions, "Restraining orders sold separately." The Barbie Dreamhouse isn’t cheap, so Mattel is also offering lower priced knockoffs. You can now get Lindsay Lohan's Van Nuys rehab Studio Apartment and Honey Boo Boo's Formaldehyde-tainted FEMA trailer.
There’s a new Miss America! Maybe SHE can work this whole deal with Syria out. Nina Davuluri is the second winner in a row from New York, and I’m not saying New York is somehow rigging the vote but the only thing that brings New York City politicians together is generally an arraignment.
And finally … a brewer has apparently come out with a beer that you can spread on toast. Just when you didn't think there was a good reason to get up and have breakfast.