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Lisa's Morning News (9-30-13) Goodness gracious another great ball of fire?

by Lisa Mason posted Sep 30 2013 8:09AM
Do do do do, Do do DO do do. The final countdown to shutdown is on! With a partial government shutdown less than 14 hours away, Washington agrees on one thing – the OTHER party is to blame. If you’ve ever settled an argument between a couple of 2nd graders your skills as a negotiator are needed in DC to settle this STAT. In a nutshell, the House passed a bill to keep the Government running but delays Obamacare for a year. The Senate, who has yet to show up for work, says they’ll vote it down. President Obama says he’ll just veto anything he doesn’t like. If you need to raise your heart rate, here’s some mental cardio. The shutdown means non-essential workers like military, food inspection and security will lose their paychecks. Know who won’t? Congress.  
 
Stars fell on Alabama – again. For the second time this month, am unannounced meteor spread a tail of fire across the skies over North and Central Alabama. Eyewitnesses in Bryant-Denny Stadium report seeing the fireball above the upper deck during the game against Ol Miss, though it could have just been Bo Wallace’s Heisman chances going up in flames. Poor guy.
 
Because they have little else to do than point fingers, The U.S. Senate passed a Republican-sponsored bill designed to reduce premature births. Senate leader Harry Reid criticized passing the premature birth bill on Thursday, because it wasn't supposed to come up on the docket until today.
 
The president of Barilla Pasta is apologizing after he said that consumers who disagree with his stance against gay marriage should buy a different brand of pasta. He plans to stay in hot water until he reaches al dente. In response, the newly-founded open church of Our Lady and the Tramp says even two dogs should be able share the same piece of pasta without persecution. Guido Barilla believes that in the Garden of Eden, it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Of course, in the West Hollywood Olive Garden it IS Adam and Steve. I don’t remember Jesus ever saying, "Blessed are the pizza-makers." Not only is Guido a homophobe, he also believes a woman’s place is ONLY in the home. For all the guys like Guido who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.
 
President Obama wrote an excuse note for a 5-year-old girl who skipped school to visit the White House last week. Obama told the girl, "If the note doesn't work just blame George Bush."
 
The initial inspection for chemical weapons in Syria is supposed to be done by tomorrow, the same day that Obamacare kicks in here in the U.S. Coincidence? Actually, yes. It’s a complete coincidence.
 
And a few things you need to know…
 
On this date in 1846, a doctor used ether for the first time. Things went much better when he used it the second time ... on the patient, instead of himself.  The doctor was quoted as saying, “You stay alive, baby. Do it for Van Gogh.”*
 
On this date back in 1939, a college football game was televised for the very first time. It was number one in it's time slot. Of course, it was the only thing in it's time slot.  Most importantly, this date is historic because it was the first time the phrase, "Honey, can't it wait until halftime?" was spoken.  
 
On this date in 1452, the very first book was published: the Bible. None of the authors were present for the publication after-party. 
 
Tony Hale turns 43 today. Finally, someone from Samford University makes the official Celebrity Birthday’s list! Tony won an Emmy and is making the rest of the class of ‘92 look like slackers. Except for Jeff Roberts who’s been featured in Barron’s magazine and won’t return my calls. I can’t even get into B Metro or Birmingham Business Journal. My agent says I can’t even get arrested – might have to test that theory this weekend.
 
Lindsay Lohan's half-sister Ashley Horn has had 5-plastic surgeries   to make her look more like Lindsay. Why go to all that trouble when all she had to do was put on an orange jumpsuit?    
 
You can't trade coke for water. And I do not mean a tasty Coca-Cola. Police are looking for a man who attempted to pay his water bill with cocaine. Good grief, how high was this moron? And how high was his water bill? With the rate hikes, I’m surprised he doesn’t live in Jefferson County. No one should be surprised that this story takes place … in Florida. 
 
It sounds like a bad horror movie**, “FLESH EATING BACTERIA FROM FLORIDA!” But it’s real. 9 people are dead and 26 sickened after coming into contact with or consuming infected sea life.  Florida beachgoers are being cautioned to avoid the water unless they want to star in the sequel to this headline, “Night of the Living Undead Surfers.”*** 
 
And …"Mr. Moose" and "Bunny Rabbit," the original puppets from the old Captain Kangaroo Show, were auctioned off last week. Mr. Green Jeans wasn't able to bid; he was too busy overseeing marijuana-growing operations in Colorado and Washington State.    
 
 
*“I’ll take Vague Movie Reference for $1000, Alex.”
 
**That I’d probably pay $15 to see it in iMax 3D
 
*** Which sounds awesome.

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09/30/2013 8:11AM
Lisa's Morning News (9-30-13) Goodness gracious another great ball of fire?
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