Lisa's Morning News "Bring back the penalty grenade!"
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 16 2013 8:00AM
Still no deal in DC to avoid the debt ceiling and end the shutdown. The Senate isn’t even in session till NOON today and Americans are outraged. Basically, our best hope is for our lawmakers to end this shutdown one way or another so they can get back to their jobs and do nothing till we vote every last one of them out.
Probation has been revoked for a local youth evangelist accused of impersonating a cop. Matt Pitt’s parents blame the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for their son’s behavior. Yes, they make it look so attractive to be in law enforcement Pitt had no choice but to impersonate an officer twice. Some followers of The Basement Ministry claim that Pitt is being persecuted just as Jesus was. Ummmm … Jesus was never arrested for impersonating a Roman soldier.
Doctors for former President George W. Bush say that one of his arteries was 95% blocked. After surgery, the chief cardiologist said W was sitting up and eating ice cream shortly after the procedure. To be perfectly honest, W was eating ice cream before and during the procedure as well.
The Grand Canyon is open once again. It took a grant from Starbucks to make it happen, so they're renaming it the "Grande Canyon," but at least it's open. Starbucks founder and CEO Howard Schultz started a petition to keep it open or something. I read part of an article.
If you go to the country of Kuwait, they give you something called a gay test because it's illegal there to be gay. What’s on that test? The ability to match patterns and know that the ottoman should go under the window? Did you double your wardrobe by getting married?
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1941, the penalty flag was introduced for football. It replaced the very unpopular penalty fragmentation grenade. Of course, up until then, there were fewer penalties in every game.
It was on this date in 1793, during the French revolution, that Marie Antoinette had more than just a little taken off the top. Did you know the King of France and his wife separated? It happened right after Marie and her head separated.
Jamaican Gold Medal sprinter, Usain Bolt, is denying charges he may have used performance enhancing drugs before the London Olympics, after reports surfaced that the Jamaican team was not drug-tested before the Games. Not testing the Jamaican team for everything is kinda like the NSA letting the guy wearing the dynamite vest go through airport security unmolested. You know they’re on something, even if it’s “performance DE-hancing” drugs.*
They became a couple on TV, so why wouldn't they get married on TV? Sean and Catherine of ABC's "The Bachelor" will exchange vows live on ABC in January. Whether their divorce will be televised remains to be seen.
Three Americans will share the 2013 Nobel Prize for Economics. I'm guessing they’re not US Congressmen.
Today is National Boss Day! My boss Jon is a great guy to work for, so I got him the same thing I got him for his birthday last week – a great big bag of nothing.
The lights went out yesterday afternoon in Detroit during the ALCS game** between the Red Sox and the Tigers. An announcement came over the loudspeaker saying, "Remember, looters, it's only 4:00 o'clock, so we can still see you."
A flurry of Bigfoot sightings have occurred in rural areas across America in the last two weeks. Ohio, Pennsylvania, California, Michigan and Kentucky have all logged Squatch sightings. The researchers say the reason the Bigfoots* were able to remain hidden until now is that they were just evicted from National Parks closed by the government shutdown. Don't get carried away with these so-called sightings. Bigfoot researchers say that a recent video of a suspected Squatch was just a huge phony in a synthetic suit. It was the exact same finding they came up with when they tested Barack Obama.
And … Pope Francis is continuing his push to connect with young people. He's already known by a variety of monikers, including the Holy Father, the Pontiff, the Bishop of Rome, the Patriarch of the West and the Primate of Italy. The Vatican, hoping to capitalize on the upcoming Caped Crusader film, has added a “fresh” honorific ... he’s Vatman!***
**Whatever that is.
***And probably a better choice than Ben Affleck.