Lisa's Morning News: "Furlough is the new black."
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 4 2013 7:15AM
This is very odd … Ever since the government shut down; it feels like no one is reading my emails anymore. Yes we are. Oh, never mind.
The mother of the woman killed yesterday in DC says her daughter was suffering with post-partum depression. 34 year old Miriam Carey had her child in the car when she struck a barricade outside the White House before leading authorities on a chase that ended with her being shot outside the Capitol. As shots were fired outside, every member of Congress dove for cover, most of them behind the nearest staffer. That's the fastest any of them has moved since they voted themselves their last raise. The reaction of police is being questioned since Carey was able to simply drive her sedan away after cops had her surrounded. She was in a roundabout, that’s a traffic circle that’s designed especially to confuse Americans. The roundabout at the Patton Creek shopping center has seen people trapped for hours.
Shutdown and shut up. It’s day 4 of the budget boondoggle and Americans are overly weary of the bickering. We should still be livid about this, yet ennui has set in. Be honest, how outraged do you still feel about the government shutdown? Now, replace the word "government" with "SEC football.” See? President Obama is blaming the GOP because he’s been forced to cancel his trip to Asia. There goes that critical teak furniture import treaty with Indonesia! Michelle Obama is also barking at Republicans because her Twitter account is now limited due to furloughs. Guess the guy in charge of her posts was non-essential. If you followed the First Lady, you’ll now have to follow your mom’s posts for your daily dose of badgering about diet and exercise.
Make way for tropical storm Karen. The National Hurricane Center seems positively giddy about this storm. They initially predicted a catastrophic Atlantic hurricane season, yet this is the first named storm to even raise an eyebrow at the US. The Hurricane Center forecasters were exempt from the government shutdown because their work was deemed “vital.” OK, may we shut them down because they are classically wrong? How about that? Meanwhile, FEMA is recalling their furloughed workers to help with tropical storm Karen. Why can’t we recall furloughed National Guard members instead? They beat FEMA to the scene every time. In the event Karen causes damage, we can rest assured that FEMA will be fully funded to provide lengthy forms, refusals and red tape.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1957, the space race began as the Soviet Union launched "Sputnik," which is “Kintups” spelled backwards. Apparently comedy is still on furlough.
On this date in 1582, Pope Gregory the 13th ordered that the very next day should be October 15th, instead of the 5th. That means October 5th through the 14th never happened that year. Imagine, 10 days in October that never existed? Several football teams are wishing that would happen NOW.
Our country's 19th president, Rutherford B. Hayes, was born on this date back in 1822. It's a shame he wasn't a better president, so we could have another 3-day weekend around now.
A court has rejected former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky's request for a new trial, even after he offered them candy out of the back of his van.
The New York City Opera is bankrupt and cancelled the entire opera season. With a lot of out-of-work opera stars, at least the unemployment line is going to look a lot more interesting. If you are unfamiliar with this form of theatre, “Opera” is what happens when a tenor and a soprano want to get married but are prevented by a baritone.
And … It turns out O.J. Simpson was NOT caught stealing cookies in prison. Some other prisoners lied about it. That's what happens when you take the word of petty felons over a self-respecting double-murderer.