Lisa's Morning News "Gaze too long into the Twinkie, and the Twinkie gazes back
by Lisa Mason
posted Nov 4 2013 8:12AM
If you arrived to work an hour early today, you forgot to turn back your clocks, didn't you?
If you’re trying to log onto Healthcare.gov this week, don’t attempt it in off hours. The White House says the site will be down for “maintenance” from 1-5am ... as opposed to being down for “no reason” from 5am till 12:55pm. Meanwhile, thre was a weekend event in Avondale park where “trained professionals” helped people sign up for Obamacare. TO make it more fun, there were hotdogs, snacks, and live music at the event. While the help with federal paperwork was free ... the hotdogs and music were federally funded (your tax dollars).
Birmingham Shuttlesworth-International Airport is back open, following a Sunday bomb scare. An employee found a bomb threat note in one of the airport bathrooms. A written note is all it takes to shut down the airport? Can we send a one to the government?
Be careful what you confess, it’s not all secret anymore. The NSA has been spying on the Pope! The POPE! They spent tens of millions of dollars spying, and all they found out is the Pope is indeed a Catholic and he does wear a funny hat. Pope Francis is also known as "His Holiness," the "Bishop of Rome," the "Vicar of Christ," the "Successor of the Prince of Apostles, the "Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church," the "Primate of Italy," the "Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province," and the "Sovereign of the Vatican City State." I guess the NSA figured a guy with that many aliases must be up to no good. It’s hard to believe anyone was spying on the Catholics considering Navy played Notre Dame on Saturday, and the Midshipmen had no idea which Fighting Irish plays were coming in advance. Why in the world would the NSA spy on the Catholic Church? Because spying on Muslims is politically incorrect.
Cardiologists everywhere just shuddered. PYT Burger and Bar has created a Frankenstein’s monster of fast food: the deep-fried Twinkie burger! The burger is made of beef and pork, topped with American cheese, bacon then place between two deep-fried twinkles, which have been coated in funnel cake batter. Yes it comes with a free angioplasty. They say you haven’t really lived until you’ve tried this thing … and after you do, you won’t live much longer.
Bentley and Lamborghini have recalled more than 700 luxury cars for brake problems. And that's today's recall headline that doesn’t involve you or anyone you know.
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1922, the entrance to King Tut's tomb was discovered. They had to Discover it because the tomb did not accept American Express. At first, they weren't sure it was actually Tutankhamen. He was so well-preserved that he appeared like he was made out of clay. Yeah, they thought they saw a putty Tut. Man that was a long way to go, pack a lunch.
It was on this date in 1862, Mr. Gatling walked in and received a patent for his invention, the "Gatling Gun." The reason he got the patent the same day he walked in? No one was going to argue with him.
A study says that people are more likely to lie and cheat in the afternoon. Well, yeah. We have to think through all of the excuses first just in case we're caught... or so I hear.
All reports say Lindsay Lohan is still sober, and that she's dating a male model who just celebrated his 18th birthday. Lindsay can't drink and HE can't buy. This could work out!
Wal-Mart just announced that it is giving 25,000 employees a promotion. So now it has 25,000 Senior Vice-Presidents of Greeting.
A poll says that 36% of the people who are on Twitter don't use it. They must think it's a health club membership.
New York City is going to vote on raising the age to buy cigarettes to 21. They figure if you're old enough to die for your country, you're old enough to die for yourself.
Lays is coming out with chocolate-covered potato chips. Heart attacks...I bet you can't have just one! They'll be available for a limited time only, as will people who eat chocolate-covered potato chips.
And … This week is National Card & Letter Writing Week. It seems like that you can find a card for almost any occasion these days:
Heard your man left you. How upset you must be! But don't fret about it, he’s moved in with me.
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look on the bright side, it's really good pay.