Lisa's Morning News HERE'S THE POST FOR 12-13-13. SCROLL DOWN!
by Lisa Mason
posted Dec 13 2013 7:59AM
The scrolling past 6 month old posts is annoying. Thanks for bothering to click the mouse since your gratification isn't instant. Or necessarily gratifying. On to today's news ...
North Korea has executed the uncle of leader Kim Jong Un. You know what this means? There’s an entry-level job opening for a military dictatorship advisor! Uncle Jang Sung Thaek was purged (read: shot) last week for being a "corrupt, drug-taking womanizer." Really? I thought those were prerequisites for politicians? Anyway, it’s a good thing George Bailey didn't do this with Uncle Billy when he lost the bank deposit in "It's a Wonderful Life."
The House passes a non-historic funding bill, expects praise from Americans. Americans largely ignore it because we have extremely short – oooh! SQUIRREL!
Canada is claiming that they own the North Pole. NORAD has raised the US security level to "Elf Con One." Shouldn't countries have to pay in order to claim ownership over the North Pole? I know I'd buy-Polar.
For those of you who believe there is NOT a war against Christmas, explain this headline: “Obama Death Panel Cheif Approves Euthanizing Living Nativity Scenes.” You just can’t make this stuff up! Or maybe you can. Actually, it’s extremely easy to make this stuff up.
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children under 2 not be exposed to iPads because it can impede their brain development. If you're buying your 2 year-old an iPad, the child's already got an heredity strike against them.
16 year- old Ethan Couch got away with murder. The Texas teen plowed over four pedestrians while driving drunk on stolen booze but will serve no jail time because his lawyers used the “Affluenza” defense. “Affluenza” pertains to rich kids raised with the belief that their actions have zero consequences. The disease is also known as “Douchebaggery” and is generally passed from parent to child. Juvie Court Judge Joan Boyd gave the wealthy 16 year-old probation instead of prison for the quadruple murder … odds are Ethan’s parents gave Judge Boyd a 2014 Audi R8 and a bag of money.
Thank goodness. You can now be legally armed if you accidentally drift into West Virginia. West Virginia and Alabama have agreed to recognize each other's concealed-carry handgun permits. I'd add a West Virginia punchline but they've suffered enough just by waking up in West Virginia today.
Chinese scientists say they're close to perfecting a working, Star Trek-like, invisibility cloak! They claim they’ve already made a cat disappear. Of course some Chinese restaurants have been doing that for years.
And a few things you need to know …
Today is Friday the 13th. How could any Friday be unlucky? Wait, don’t answer that.
On this date in 1577, Sir Francis Drake set sail to circumnavigate the world, even though some were opposed to circumnavigation.
Remember Brittney Spears’ ex Kevin Federline? His wife is pregnant, meaning K-Fed is about to become a father for the sixth time. Well, there's one person who hopes they raise the minimum wage.
Madonna and her 30-year younger boyfriend have split. Yes, right before Christmas, no more Madonna and child.
The Super Bowl Committee says they will not allow tailgate parties at Met Life Stadium before the game. So fans will need to plan ahead, take the bus and arrive drunk.
Two young girls were kicked out of a grocery store in Washington State for singing Christmas carols. The store said it’s nothing personal, just another episode of the “X-mas Factor.”
After NBC announced they’d bump “It’s a Wonderful Life” to show "The Sound of Music" again, Julie Andrews says she did not watch the live production starring Carrie Underwood. “The hills are alive with the sound of meeoooww!”
An update on that six year old boy in Colorado who was suspended from school for sexual harassment for kissing a girl on the hand. Turns out this little Casanova ALSO kissed her on the cheek! Good thing this menace is safely in time-out. Sadly for him, the girl tested positive for cooties.
My fave story of the day is dedicated to my Gamecock friends. Where else but South Carolina would family members call the cops to break up a fight over decorating the Christmas tree? On Thanksgiving, we had an aggravated assault charge against a South Carolina man who attacked his brother over which silverware to use. This time we have three Spartanburg women, aged 76, 61 and 24, who started shoving and screaming after they fell out over decorating the Christmas tree. The main beef was that two of the women had decorated the tree while the other one was at work. A male relative, aged 41, later arrived at the house to try and calm the three females down but was unsuccessful. No kidding! THAT’S when the claws come out. There’s nothing like having a man try to break up a family spat between women, they will inevitably put aside differences to turn on the MAN who’s just trying to get them to shut up. Anyhoo, nobody was hurt during the ruckus, but medics were called to examine the 76 year-old combatant as she was concerned about her blood pressure. None of the four wanted to press charges so no arrests were made and police said the four were apologizing to each other by the time they left at about 1.30am. Well Merry Christmas to all … and to all a good night!
And … My mom told me last night to “do more corny funny stuff and less of that intellectual stuff you try.” OK. Here are some Christmas jokes.
You know why Christmas trees are so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
Know what you call Santa's helpers? They’re Subordinate Clauses.
Can you name the most popular Christmas carol in the desert? Easy! It’s “Camel ye Faithful.”
OK… maybe I’m getting the “joke” thing wrong.