Lisa's Morning News "Now with fewer typos than yesterday."
by Lisa Mason
posted Nov 5 2013 8:10AM
They’re calling it another setback for Obamacare – the majority of people buying insurance are OLDER! EWWWW! Young, healthy people are less likely to wait on the jankey website while older people with health issues have more reason to sign up. Experts say these 50-somethings could drive the already high prices up and the administration didn’t count on that. Didn’t count on older people expecting insurance? Well once they were told there were no “death panels” I guess they just felt entitled.
The media is desperate to make something out of last night’s incident at a New Jersey mall. 20 year old Richard Shoop fired several shots but injured no one before killing himself. The headlines detail the horror of how thousands of shoppers either hid or fled, leaving potential purchases behind at closing time. Hundreds of store workers had to stand outside with no jackets while police secured the mall. OK, actually … that would suck pretty badly.
Only in Alabama, and only during football season. A Jefferson county man reported his car burglarized near Concord, and though his possessions had been pilfered, he took more offense that an Auburn Christmas ornament had been left on the front seat as a calling card by the thief. The victim, who declined to be named, told officers he is an avid Alabama fan and would never have Auburn merchandise anywhere near his car. Police will have a hard time nabbing a culprit, seeing as how there are a LOT of Auburn ornaments on the market, since they didn’t have much to celebrate last year or have any trees to hang things on.
Youth evangelist Matt Pitt continues drawing fire, even from jail. Pitt released a video inviting other inmates to his ministry, and used the promise of beautiful women to entice the convicts to attend Basement services. Vince Lovell, also of The Basement, and no stranger to legal trouble himself, insists that Pitt is just joking around cause he’s such a joking little joker. All I know is if there’s ever a sale on purple Flavor-Aid, I’m not taking Communion at The Basement. It’s just getting weird(er).
Voters in 11 rural counties in northern Colorado go to the polls today to decide whether they want to secede from the Union to form a 51st state. Meanwhile, voters in 20 other rural communities say they want to have their hands stamped so they can leave the Union completely, and then come back later.
It would be wonderful to end bullying forever, but then where would we find the next generation of salespeople? The Miami Dolphins are done with Richie Incognito; the rest of the NFL might be as well. Incognito was busted for bullying teammate Jonathan Martin. Martin left the Fins after a cafeteria prank in which he was invited to eat with other players but when he sat down, they stood up and left. That’s it? Wow. Bullying is wrong on any level, but Martin is 6’5 and 315 pounds and can easily not allow a bully hurt his widdle feewings. I have to admit, the girl who bullied me in grade school STILL takes my lunch money every day. She makes the best sandwiches at Subway.
And a few things you need to know …
Remember remember the fifth of November… On this date in 1605, the "Gunpowder Plot" failed as Guy Fawkes was arrested before he could blow up the English Parliament. With that kind of lack of success rate, he went on to pick the new shows for NBC and design Healthcare.gov.
It was this day in 1875, Susan B. Anthony was busted while attempting to vote in a presidential election. Her punishment -- putting her face on an insanely unpopular dollar coin.
The people who brought us the Yule Log TV channel have something new this year, Public Television in Norway is broadcasting a 9-hour knitting competition. I can't wait for the slow-motion replays! Right now the score stands at Knit 1, Purl 2.
An exhibition of artwork painted by Sylvester Stallone is on display in Russia. It’s mostly self-portraits of Stallone as his legendary "Rocky" character bleeding in a boxing ring. It's a case of art imitating art.
The cast of "Duck Dynasty" will ride a float in the annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in New York City. The cast of "Duck Dynasty" has also been asked not to go inside the Macy's store in New York City.
Everyone survived after 2-planes carrying groups of skydivers collided in midair. Skydiving experts say it could have created the biggest group free-fall since the Obama administration.
A rock quarry blast that was originally reported as a 3.7 earthquake struck Illinois yesterday morning. Witnesses said they hadn't seen the ground shake that much since all the dead Democratic voters rolled over in their graves.
And … Justin Bieber was spotted at a brothel in Brazil, where he stayed for 3-hours, and then left with 2-women that he took back to his hotel. Apparently, Justin couldn't finish so he took the girls home in a doggy-bag. Meanwhile, Katy Perry has surpassed The Beib on YouTube and Twitter … just as was foretold in the Book of Revelation.