Lisa's Morning News "Time to take down your Columbus Day lights."
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 17 2013 8:23AM
A stenographer for the House apparently lost it last night as lawmakers passed the government funding and debt limit deal. The woman began shouting a fiery message about God and the Freemasons before being hauled off for a mental evaluation. Sadly, she’s not even the biggest nut in the House. President Obama signed the debt deal that funds the government through January. I hope it's a good deal. I know when I pay my rent 3 months early I get a $50.00 credit. Wait. We’ll get to do this all over again in January? HUZZAH! I hear “Shutdown 2: Electric Boogaloo” will be even better than the original!
A study released by the Kaiser Foundation ranks Alabama as second in terms of the percentage of uninsured adults who still do not qualify for health coverage under either Medicaid or the Affordable Care Act. They do, however, qualify to pay that big fat fine if they don’t sign up for the Affordable Care Act anyway.
Reporters say that since he was first-elected in 2008, President Obama has played about 150-full-rounds of golf, while George W. Bush only played 24 through his ENTIRE two terms. To be fair to President Obama, George Bush used to toss his clubs and leave when his first shot didn't make it through the windmill.
Bessemer loses one of it’s more upscale businesses – the flea market in Brighton burned down last night. Merchandise losses total in the dozens.
A mass grave has been discovered in Bosnia, which could prove to be a further nail in the coffin of former leader Radovan Karadzic, who is currently on trial for crimes against humanity. Karadzic was arrested after hiding for 12 years masquerading as a faith healer who sold lucky charms. Lucky charms? Black hearts. Yellow souls. Pink cloven hooves…
Anniston police are on a ghost hunt. The ghost in question broke into the ABC store on Highway 431, smashing the door and slipping inside. Surveillance video shows a man wearing a bed sheet ghost costume roaming the aisles. After taking inventory, employees found not one thing missing! He broke in but didn’t take anything? Maybe they didn’t have what he wanted. Ghosts are very picky with their SPIRITS. You know what goblins drink on Halloween? GHOUL-ADE. This robber should have just stuck with BLOOD LITE or MaliBOO rum! Hey! I’m here all week!
And a few things you need to know…
Wow, we're exactly 5 months away from St. Patrick's Day!
On this date in 1888, Thomas Edison filed for a patent on the "optical photograph" -- the motion picture. While he was at it, he patented the idea of a $10 tub of popcorn.
On this date in 1492, Columbus discovered San Salvador. It was a huge day for the San Salvador Chamber of Commerce.
Richard Johnson, one of our country's earlier vice presidents, was born in 1781. As a boy, he vowed to one day become famous but instead, he chose to be a vice president.
It’s truly annoying to see Christmas stuff up before the first trick or treater even arrives. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, but he has to work at Macy's on Thanksgiving.
An Alaska Airlines flight from San Jose to Honolulu had to make an emergency landing in Oakland after a flock of birds flew into the engines. I don't know what's scarier; a flock of birds breaking your engines, or having to land in Oakland. At least there was plenty of free pâté on the flight.
Believe it or not, the U.S. government shutdown had the unintended effect of making Germans go to bed earlier. A popular late night German TV show called "Space Night" leads the ratings over there.* It shows simple footage of Earth seen from space accompanied by ambient music. “Space Night” went off the air when NASA archivists were furloughed because it relies on US satellite footage. Bored Germans were left with nothing else to do but go to bed.** This doesn’t really speak well for German television programming, when their most popular program is Not See TV.
And … Who knew there was a Popercycle? Pope Francis is auctioning off his Harley-Davidson motorcycle to benefit a soup kitchen. Selling his bike? Was this was foretold in the Book of Rev-Rev-Rev-Revelation? Everybody knows who'll make the winning bid. Basically, the guy with the world's biggest hat is selling a Harley to the guy with the world's biggest chin because Leno has a gear addiction.
*Right after reruns of “Hogan’s Heroes.”
**And plot a global takeover.