Lisa's Morning News "Where'd the funny go?"
by Lisa Mason
posted Oct 24 2013 8:20AM
If you have unshakable insomnia, you’re in luck! The first Congressional hearing into Obamacare web site issues is now underway! We’re through the wormhole here, people. Republicans were likened unto Satan when they demanded a delay to the individual mandate portion of Obamacare, which forced the government shutdown. Now, many DEMOCRATS are calling for the delay since the Healthcare.gov site is about as reliable as a flat tire. Interesting to note that nearly all the Dems asking for the delay seek reelection. So the shutdown AND the Obamacare headaches could have been avoided? The guys who said an Obamacare delay was unacceptable are now calling for it?
CGI is catching some blame for people’s inability to sign up for Obamacare. Well that makes all the sense in the world! If the program is just CGI there’s no way you can manipulate it in the real world. What? Oh. CGI is a company, not slang for “computer generated imaging?” That’s a shame. If Healthcare.gov WAS just a CGI effect, at least we could fix it in post.
There’s a giant fish head spill in Vancouver, Canada. Fish heads? Fish heads. They were described as rolly-polly to eat up yum.
Next time the NSA has job openings, can we hire a bunch of sieves and cut to the chase? Germany says it wants answers as to why the US has been spying on Chancellor Angela Merkel. Good luck, Germany! We want answers too, but aren’t getting them and we elected these people. Our ambassador to Germany has been summoned to Berlin to explain why the U.S. was eavesdropping on Merkel’s private cell phone. Only thing scarier than when your parents call you by your full name? When the Germans do it. As Edmund Blackadder once said, “The Germans are such a cruel and inhuman race, they have no word for ‘fluffy.’"
Pope Francis cans the man known as the “Bishop of Bling” for his lavish spending. Can we elect Pope Francis in 2016?
Birmingham police are gearing up for Saturday's Magic City Classic. Over 400 officers will patrol events before, during and after the annual game. So if you were getting your lootin’ clothes on, you’ll have to go across town where it’ll be less policey.
*Actual content warning* This is so distressing. Maybe they were training Snoop Doggs? A lot of people gave overwhelming support to this place after the tornado but now we know the Tuscaloosa K9 Academy was raided yesterday for illegal drug activity. During a month long investigation, undercover agents reportedly made several purchases of marijuana and crystal meth at the dog camp. 4 arrests were made including the owner and the trainer. The Facebook site for Camp Mayhem and Tuscaloosa K9 says they’ll be down for a while, as they are clearing up some “issues.” Yeah. The issue is – if you’re begging for donations every week, where is the money from drug sales going? I don’t know how much meth costs but I bet it would go a long way toward food and medicine.
And just a few things you need to know…
We're exactly two months away from Christmas Eve.
Bill Wyman of the Rolling Stones turns 77 today. He joined the group right around the time music was invented.
A new study claims that first-born kids are the smartest of the bunch. Bring that up to your younger siblings at Thanksgiving and see what happens.
Facebook has lifted its ban on videos showing decapitation. That seems a little extreme, except of course for those people who constantly ask us to play Farmville.
A new study says that older people who sleep less have a better chance at developing Alzheimer's disease. Nice to know we’ll get something for being continuously tired.
Scientists say that all mammals take 21 seconds to pee. Well, that explains that creepy weirdo following us around with the stopwatch.
And … Because we are required by law to mention these humans, and I didn’t do it yesterday, today we must ask ourselves, “Why did Kanye propose to Kim Kardashian?” Simple! He figured if her mom and Bruce Jenner could make it ... oh. Or maybe he figured if Lamar Odom and Khloe could make it... uh... oh. Maybe he was just trying to keep up with the Kardashians? I think it all boils down to the simple fact that both Kim and Kanye are madly in love ... with themselves.
Why are the headlines so unfunny today? I have no excuse other than the fact I’m out of funny again, haven’t been to the store. Watching the news last night, my head started to hurt and I figure you’re already there too so ... let’s just kick back and look at the pictures of that hot running back from Notre Dame. He’s trending online ... can we draft him? For everything?